[starliteyes]

Hello. I was originally going to post this in the introduction sub-forum, however it ended up being too much a read for a simple 'hello'. This could've gone in the OCD section as well, but my depression has been interfering with my life just as much, so I'll just post here.

To start off, I've had dysthymia for the past ten years, alongside re-occuring episodes of major depression. I have an array OCD tendencies to tend with as well. Combined with my dysphoric state, I'm usually compelled to constantly research various symptoms and articles, attempting to diagnose myself with severe illnesses. In the past I've convinced myself I was in the stages of developing ALS, Parkinsons, several types of cancers, blood clots, blindness, kidney failure, etc.

The current obsession I have, schizophrenia is by far the most devastating manifestation I've experienced yet. Realizing I have some of the negative symptoms (social withdrawal, lack of concentration/motivation, little interest) was horrifying. I had a strong feeling that it was my destiny to go mad, so to ease this fear, I've become hypervigilant towards my thoughts and behavior, expecting that I'll soon begin to hallucinate or witness my thoughts turn illogical. It's even worse when my depression intensifies, as my impaired memory and attention bring much doubt towards my sanity.

It's been a vicious cycle that has persisted for over a year now, I feel utterly hopeless that I'll ever feel happy again. I dwell in this twilight-like place, waiting for the end of the world it feels. The only thing that keeps my flame from being entirely extinguished is my creativity.

While immersed in the creation of something beautiful, my depression lifts as I start to feel a purpose again. However when I start to think that it has the potential to get me somewhere in life, I worry that it's a delusion of grandeur or an overvalued idea, which is rather self-deprecating I'll admit. Music is the only thing I seem to have any skill at, (with god knows how many hours put into composing/practice). It serves as my oasis in the hostile, endless desert that is my inner-world, and a vital outlet for my emotions and feelings as well. You can say that it's my undying passion.

With all that said, I am well aware that I should seek help for my ailments, it's just I have this nagging fear that is stopping me from reaching out to a professional. I almost feel it to be something akin to a trial that will determine my death sentence, totally illogical I know..

I haven't discussed my multitude of problems and immense dissatisfaction with life to anyone, which doesn't bode well because the emotions have built up so much that I buckle under the pressure if I talk about any of my stresses. Though I know doing this would be highly therapeutic, I'm just worried at the ferocity at which my dam will burst when I finally open up. After this much time, I imagine the only person I can see revealing my pain to would be a psychologist/therapist, because I could never dump such toxic feelings onto someone I care about.

Outside my head, I'm also gridlocked by seemingly unsolveable personal dilemmas in life, which is a stressful enough matter on its own. I'm grateful to have a full-time job, though I struggle to keep my obsessions under control so I can get things done. With the imagined threat of impending madness afoot, I found it to be so overwhelming that it led to me being depersonalized, which is another factor that sustains my hypochondria.

As I type this post, every time I edit something or rearrange a sentence, I attribute it to having a disordered thought process, and I fear that I might go far enough off topic to where I start to sound illogical. At the same time, when I vent like this, it's hard to hold myself back and tend to get wordy, so please understand that.

I don't see how I persist in my attempts towards rationalizing this fear away, but nothing can faze it apparently. Over the last year I've done so much research reading through medical studies, symptoms and personal anectdotes that I can just about determine if anyone else has it. My latest compulsion is that eye test that supposedly determines if one may have a psychotic illness. It's been documented that impaired eye movement is shown by many sufferers of the psychotic illness, typically in smooth movement and fixed gaze. Testing myself, I have none of these eye abnormalities and the fixed gazing has ironically led me back into my meditation practice. But I still feel compelled to test myself whenever I feel in doubt about my sanity. My compulsions make me shy away from even posting on public forums because I start thinking that my messages make little sense or go too far off topic, even when that may not be true.

Hopefully my post seems cohesive enough, because I feel the urge to check my paragraphs for anything illogical. Now, before I submit this, I was really hoping someone could grant me some wisdom or advice that would help me muster up the courage to get help. Did anyone else fear opening themselves up for evaluation? Was the experience not as bad as you'd initially envisioned it to be? I struggle to see past all the potential negative outcomes that would result from seeing a psychologist, which just adds to the hopelessness of the situation, so I'm hoping that a boost of encouragement from others will serve as the spark to get my life back together.

[Keyslost]

It's easier for me to tell you not to worry than it is for me not to worry . I will be going in for eval in 1 mo. I just keep telling myself that they are there to help. That is their job. If it doesn't work out right away people can be moved around to fit you better. You may be able to find previous threads on others talking about this too I just remembered.

[starliteyes]

Thank you for your words, I need to realize that my resistance towards seeking help because of an irrational fear is preventing me from ultimately getting better. It'd probably be wise for me to set me up an appointment myself once I come back from a vacation planned for this week. Hassling with the post-vacation blues on top of my cruddy enough state is something I'm not really looking forward to.