[TitusDen]

I have been in a major depressive state for 10.5 years straight, turned 30 this year. 10 years ago I left the military in complete mess. I had both shoulder injuries, hip injury, back, knee and had most of them operated on. I was in just awful state. I suffer from chronic pain, major depression, anxiety, anger so on so on.
But I attempted to get out of it and worked out for 2-3 years. I was in constant pain due to past injuries but I worked through it, lost 100 lbs (back to my original weight), ate healthy, got a gf but it all felt like an act. So i started drinking heavy. About 2 years ago it felt apart and fell even worse than before.

While working out my life felt that it was on the right path but due to sexual dysfunction with my gf at the time I went to see the doctor, after months of testing it came out that I had kleinfelters and that I was infertile. This also explained why i wasted 2-3 years of heavy bodybuilding on no muscle gains (didn't even gain 1lb of muscle).
This diagnosis threw me in a complete spiral downward, worse then before. Since then I have been on TRT (it does nothing but give me erections). The only thing that makes me get out of bed "sometimes" in the morning is 6 tbsps of coffee. Otherwise I feel dead inside. I rarely leave my apt, and if i do it's only to throw collected garbage out. I haven't left me apartment for more than 30 min and out of 100% necessity in over 1 year.
My legs and feet are hurting because I don't move around but I have 0 motivation to do anything.

I have 0 friends, 0 family, no pets nothing. I have no education other than 1 year of college before joining the army, am on total disability and see nothing ahead.
I saw my mother a month ago and she called me a total loser and waste of space in society. I usually don't care what she says but this stuck with me.

I think I am hoping that one day I just won't wake up. Since like I said I am a loser and I can't kill myself.

Yes I have been seeing a physiologist for 11 years.

[waterknob1234]

Hi TitusDen. Welcome to pc. My heart goes out to you. I can see you have had so many hardships to deal with. I am sure it is hard, all the physical limitations on top of everything else. You did something I could not do. I don't think I could ever lose 20 pounds much less 100 pounds.

I was wondering, were your injuries incurred in combat?

I don't believe you are a loser or a waste of space. You are a good person who served your country as best you could. Right now you need others to stand behind you. We are here for you. You may pm me any time you wish.

Your life is not done even though you are disabled. I am sure God has a purpose for you out there.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, TitusDen. Your depression began while you were on active duty, yes? Even though you are on disability, have you spoken with a representative of a veterans service organization? More resources than you considered may be available to you.

[Fuzzybear]