[Waiting4Release]

I can barely remember a time when I wasn't dealing with depression or the fallout from it. It really robbed me of what should have been the happiest times of my life. And right at the top of that list is the missed childhood of my children. Being a figure not totally there with them. They have grown up having a mother who sometimes disappeared for a while in treatment centers. But they were children and they didn't understand.

Now they are adults in their 40's and have seen me struggle especially the last 2 or 3 years - things have never been so bad. And my worst fears are coming true: that I am hanging on by a thread and they have acknowledged I need help but they want me to get help that someone else has to do. They don't want to be involved. I could be dead and gone for weeks and no one would know. And the knowledge that the only 2 people in my life who really matter to me don't care sucks the last bit of hope from me and I can't move.

It brings back memories growing up unacknowledged unless I screwed up then I'd get yelled at. But I grew up believing I was nobody. For a while I was a mom who did manage sometimes to be fun. But now that mom has been gone a couple years and the one who took her place is no fun in fact a real pain.

I have tried to talk to them and their thing is (to me) DEAL WITH IT. As valueless as I felt growing up which was pretty bad it cannot compare to now. I did try very hard to be there for my kids and for the most part I came thru when the chips were down and now I need them and they took the rope that tethers me to the life raft and threw it overboard and sailed out of sight over the horizon. And I'm scared, sad and terrified. Life really is unbearable and while I won't kill myself, I don't care - I'm ready any day if there is a God and chooses to take me I want to leave this world behind and fade into the nothingness I am.

[Marla500]

I'm so sorry for what you are going throughI wish I had some advice but I hope you will find some relief soon

[shouldersharer]

Dear Lost,
Family can be the most cruel of all. I understand as I have a family who makes fun of me behind my back and has not offered 1 oz of support. Just calls me "mental case". My sister,the nurse abandoned me twice. The first time 14 years ago I told her on the phone "I was feeling depressed" The nurse said, "you're too draining" and cut me off for two years. Then 10 years,yes 10, we had a spat and I told her off,finally, and she cut me off ever since. She has since managed(I know it sounds paranoid) to take all of the friends and cousins in the family away from me,honest.

[Clara22]

Hi,
This is too painful, you are right. I do not have children so I do not fully understand your pain but I have experienced a lot of pain related to the lack of caring by some relatives, particularly the youngsters. Apart from other reasons, I think we, adults, have created a more individualistic world and now we are seeing the results.
After suffering a lot, I made the decision not to stop loving those youngsters and be available for them anyway, at least emotionally. Some friends made me see that I should not let them to use me ( particularly regarding money) otherwise I would be hurt and abused. But, still, when I can, I call them and sincerely ask them about their life, making them know I am available for them and, at the same time, I am managing not to raise my own expectations regarding their reciprocity. I could already see that I am being useful without being used and that my caring is having good effects on them. All in all, I am the older one.
Your case is different because they are your children and I cannot imagine your pain.
I am sharing my experience as I suffered a lot last year as I was being neglected by some family members. I think the treatment of my depression helped me to be more proactive and adopt some " philosophy " in relation to those relatives.
I am sending you a big hug

[cloudyn808]

Aloha Lost,

Those of us who have walked this path for sooo many years accumulate our share of trauma along the way. Feeling rejected and discounted by our own children is particularly painful...I get it. It is a scary and lonely place realizing no one would even miss us if we disappeared- Depression IS a lonely disease and sometimes all we can do is reach out to strangers in hopes of receiving some understanding and compassion... I'm so glad you reached out and are taking care of yourself today! For me, I try to stay in the present and keep my expectations of others low- that way, I'm pleasantly surprised when the care and compassion of my family DOES come, even in small ways. Take good care of YOU, you are worth it no matter what has happened in the past...

[Fuzzybear]