[StillIntending]

Ever since February when I first started descending into depression, my ability to cope with daily responsibilities has become less and less. For instance, school. There are days where I can slowly work quietly in my room, almost like normal, but then there are also days where I swear no matter how hard I try I simply can't do any of the work. As I am obsessed with the fear of failure, these days usually send me into a panic. (I don't think I've ever truly experienced a panic attack; I use the term colloquially) I've trained myself to immediately text one of the only two friends who have any idea that this happens to me when I start to lightly hyperventilate, when my hands start to shake, and when I feel my heart rate increase. Controlling these physical symptoms can only happen once I'm back in control of my thoughts—thoughts that generally are just obsessive chants of "I can't" and "I'm worthless" and "Why do I try," mixed with calling myself some pretty profane names. Once I'm at that level, it'll take anywhere from fifteen minutes to a few hours to bring me back, and by then anything akin to motivation that I may have had is completely lost. The rest of the workday is shot. This further exacerbates my fear and my lack of self esteem.
If I try to go back to work I will almost certainly repeat that cycle, and so it's generally a good idea to lay off school for at least a few hours after I've calmed down. This cycle is horribly destructive to my academic progress, obviously, but I don't know how I can help that. Sometimes if I watch Netflix in the background while slowly, very slowly, starting school again, I can start faster and stay calmer. Does anyone have any ideas for either stopping these bouts of fear before they start, or calming myself down faster and more effectively after? Professional treatment isn't an option for me. I'm kind of at a loss.

[Fizzyo]

[Fuzzybear]

[bluemoonBW]

I'm afraid of failure as well, although my anxiety about it usually throws me into a sort of depressive/anxious state rather than panic. I used to have a lot of trouble getting homework done, and I still sometimes do, but not like I used to. My first rule is that I canNOT procrastinate. I don't always start on assignments right away, but I make sure that I give myself far more time than I think I could need to finish work. When I feel like I don't have time to do something, I'm not going to be able to avoid anxiety. Second, if I start to feel overwhelmed (which is a common trigger for me), I break down what I have to do, I address why I feel overwhelmed, I check my thinking to make sure I'm not falling into depressed cycles of thinking. If I am, I challenge them. I follow anxious thoughts to their root to address what's really bothering me or triggering it. I remind myself that thoughts are only thoughts. Then, if I still feel anxious or depressed, I try to find something that will be restorative. For me, that's going on a walk outside, a bike ride, reading a book I like, talking to a friend. I usually need to leave the house, or room, at least, even if only for 10 minutes. Usually longer. (Also, I check my physical feelings- do I need to eat, drink water, take a nap? Sometimes that's the only issue.) If I'm really spiraling, it takes the day (or longer) to recover. But I've gotten better and better at catching it and stopping that cycle.
One thing I just learned was that having a lot of free time made me feel useless and overwhelmed at the same time. Big trigger. I always have at least one thing I have planned each day- no totally open days. Staying busy is good for me. And scheduling things I find relaxing, or specific time periods to relax, actually made that time relaxing instead of stressful (because I wasn't constantly worrying that I was wasting my time, because I knew it was important to do restorative things and because I had planned it for a set amount of time.)
Also.. music and physical activity sometimes help my anxiety. I'll shoot hoops or juggle a soccer ball and listen to upbeat music. Or I'll take a nap. Or, watching a short bit of comedy. For me it's all about breaking that negative cognitive cycle and introducing positive stimulation.

Haha. Maybe I'm saying too much. But, one last thing- if I'm anxious about something very specific, say, sending an email to a professor? The best cure is facing it. Writing the email despite my fears. Sometimes it's hard- but, as long as I do my best, it usually alleviates the stress. And sometimes I'll be very nervous about an assignment before I start because I feel overwhelmed or I'm not sure how to do it, but once I start and push past the fear, I usually find my footing and gain confidence.
Hope that was helpful =)

[Fizzyo]

Maybe just choose one thing to do, and only try to do that, then when it's done, have a small break before selecting the next one thing. You may have a list in mind, but pick the priority and 'forget' the rest till it's turn comes. Whatever you think helps. It all takes courage which you clearly have, you're here and discussing it.

[StillIntending]

Thanks to everyone who's replied. I guess I do need to accept that I just can't do as much as I used to be able to, for now. Another problem I'm having now is that I'm so afraid of this cycle happening to me again that I avoid starting in the first place. Which isn't good either. Actually that's what brings me here right now—I told myself I'd start a little school after I checked all my social media first, which I'm basically doing in an attempt to calm myself down before starting. I need to be satisfied with less right now, I guess. But this is summer school—leftover subjects I didn't finish last year. Come next year I'll have a lot more to do, and I'll need to be more productive than I am now. I don't know how I'm going to get back up to doing so much again. I don't know if that's possible. In fact I'm pretty sure it's not. But right now, this summer, this is the best shot I have at getting better enough to make it through next year.
Ha, "courageous." That's an adjective I don't think has ever been applied to me. I feel very weak being this behind and unable to catch back up. I feel very subpar. Which I get is probably the depression talking. But. It sure feels real.

[Fizzyo]

You can only do what you can do and the best way to start is to start (much easier said than done). Be kind to yourself as someone just said to me there's always tomorrow (and tomorrow is a chance for a fresh start). You're here, that's courageous! Whenever you sit down to a lesson, that's courageous. Every time you do something that makes you anxious, that's courageous. You're courageous!