[Johnnyfml]

Im a 39 year old male , currently in Northern California , I'm married with three kids who live in Southern California. I took a job up here , with the intent that I would settle , they would join soon after. However it has been decided that it's best if they stay there and I wait until I can get transferred back to SoCal.

I'm terribly lonely and miserable here in NorCal. But I was miserable in SoCal too. I'm very anhedonic these days...

I married wife because we have kids, I never wanted to be married , but my parents were divorced when I was 1 , and I promised myself I would always be there for them and I had bet that the family unit would make up for the fact that my wife was the wrong person for me and that I wasn't in love with her. I was wrong I'm miserable.

I have no friends, I can't seem to make any, I have a good job but getting back on my feet after a career change, my credit is awful because of old tax issues,that for some reason I won't resolve. We "rent" her mothers three bedroom house where my three kids share one room and my wife and I in another and her sister in the third.

I'm failing to thrive .

When I took this job in NorCal, I was full of hope for a change for my family , but the move never really happened and my oldest is entering junior high, we decided they, we are better off being in SoCal , and I'll stay here until I can get back there,
A miserable situation compounded by the fact that I got involved with a female coworker, who has ended the relationship , and I am devastated and heartbroken , she is what I've been wanting for a long time , cut from the same cloth as my wife but where my wife is slow paced and passive and a homebody and frankly kind of boring, this other woman is exciting and fun and motivated and will kick my *** and tell me when I'm wrong , where my wife is passive and always looking to me for her answers, etc. of course nothing is perfect with anybody.... But still I wasn't looking for an affair , but it found us and we fight as much as a married couple might.

Still I miss her, the other woman, constantly , greatly.

I'm starting to think I should end my marriage. Not because of the affair, but because I'm so miserable in it.

I feel paralyzed in it, I don't who I am anymore, as far as what direction to go, I feel great helplessness , and hopelessness plus the social aspects of not having our own place at our age.

We are , my wife and I, I feel ; losers. Good nice solid people , like music and all the social stuff, but I'm the only one working, which is ok , for now, but well be well in our 40's by the time we can buy our first house,

I'm not a good provider .

I've been miserable for a long time, absent father growing up, abusive alcoholic step father, mother very passive and sorta checked out , but very nurturing , and overly emotional .

My full sister is recovering alcoholic with diagnosed bi-polar and I'm pretty sure is borderline personality disorder. She is divorced with two kids, the father is alcoholic , professional , and absent . My sister was molested by our paternal grandfather for years as a child, before she finally came out about it . That man got me once too, and I've grown up sorta bi-sexual , perhaps because of that experience.

So I find myself here, by myself in NorCal with a good job and nothing else, I found a girl of my dreams , and likely killed the relationship not because I'm married but because of my massively low self esteem and inability to properly maintain most relationships. Miserable and heartbroken. My wife and beautiful kids are some 500 miles away, and I visit every 10 days or so but I find myself miserable there too.

I have no social life, nor much desire for one because I don't like where I am in life, I'm embarrassed of what I've become, that I haven't been a great provider for my kids.

I feel like utter garbage as a parent. I knew early on in life being a dad wasn't for me, but life has other plans. But I 1000% love my children dearly.

I'm very a hedonic these days, some of that Is work, I work a lot, but I'm realizing that I may be in a deep hole of depression. I'm stuck in a situation I never was cutout for and never wanted in life.

I'm sad , depressed , lonely afraid , overweight and a smoker. I indulge in norcos from time to time , wonder if they are affecting my social life. I've been told recently that I seem angry and unhappy by coworkers though I don't feel that way inside. I'm very talkative and open and passionate and tend toniest my heart on my sleeve, I try too hard to be funny and it alienates people , I think . I think my sense of humor comes off mean or misunderstood. I am at 39 years old still kinda sarcastic in my humor which can be caustic. I sense that I alienate anyone who isn't stuck with me, ie has no choice, a little arrogant , but down to earth humble easy to talk to, I get along with everyone , I pretty much don't not like anyone I know, yet no one really liked me. I don't get invited places , or have a group of buddies, I did but they all disappeared after the birth of my first child.

I used to think this malaise was just a faze, it will get better, but it really hasn't .im slowly sinking into this pit of I don't even know what. As a kid I was very active had tons of friends and bright and cheery.

Now I'm just a guy, a robot shmuck without even a mortgage.

I miss the girl, coworker immensely, I'm happy every time we are around each other , and we've remained friends, though I feel that slipping too. I cannot bear the thought of not having her in my life because she makes me happy, and the only joy in my life at the moment , pathetic right ? Not even an actual girlfriend.

I cannot see a way out.i am not suicidal . I'm paralyzed with fear of success, of guilt for allowing myself to fall so far behind the curve of my contemporaries. Of allowing myself to be in a marriage where she adores me , and believe me , I've tried , oh god have I tried but she doesn't grab my heart. I'm a freaking sitcom cliche.

I don't know what to do. I can't see this getting better by itself , but I'm so overwhelmed with behind , and in a relationship that I feel bigs me down, holds me back and makes me feel dead inside, but also the fear 100 fold of breaking my children's hearts, and breaking up my family. I've tried to suffer through for them but I find it hard. The marriage is ok, my infidelity notwithstanding, but it's not doing it for me. I'm stuck in that conundrum. Catch -22 I'm damned if I do I'm damned if I don't .

If i do it's gonna kill me personally, spiritually , if I don't it's gonna kill my kids and their spirits.

I feel like I have nothing, not empty mind just nothing. I'm empathetic , no ideations or violent impulses, nothing like that, just being 39 , I'm running out of time to fix my life.

By the way, growing up in a dysfunctional family, my friends were always my family and adored having them. That I don't have any, anymore is the salt in the wound. I'm doing something wrong, or I'm wrong , but I cannot figure out why nothing comes easy for me, never has, in family , in careers , in social circles, in relationships , I always have to work twice as hard for half the gain.

Even though I had lots of social life as a kid even then it felt like work, nothing came easy. It has made me tired. I have no dreams, I have no sense of a future. I'm living paycheck to paycheck both financially and spiritually.

I'm sure I'm living a life that isn't right for me, or what? I don't know. I'm a really nice trusting generous man. I can make people laugh I'm empathetic and sympathetic , I'm educated well read, I'm into new music , all music movies the same things others are, but I cannot seem to be like others, ie happy , or fulfilled. Again friendships have always been work, or feel draining, which is true of everyone , people can flakes etc. but for me it feels more so .

I'm sad , depressed, lonely , getting older, overweight, separated from my family , in love with another woman who is NOT in love with me, on drugs , scared , helpless , hopeless with no one in my life to turn to.

I don't know what to do , where to start . I cannot live with the idea of hurting others so that I may be happy , hence my continued marriage because I can't bear to see her or kids hurt. So I suffer ...

Help.

[Fizzyo]

So sorry, there's so much pain in your post. I really feel for you. I don't have answers, just the understanding of what it can be like to continue living just for other people to avoid hurting them. Do keep going and keep posting! There are people here who understand and may be able to help. It sometimes takes a few attempts before they find you. The very best sincerely sent wishes as you try to find your way forward. (I fall down and (mostly) get up again)

[behappynow]

Originally Posted by Johnnyfml

Im a 39 year old male , currently in Northern California , I'm married with three kids who live in Southern California. I took a job up here , with the intent that I would settle , they would join soon after. However it has been decided that it's best if they stay there and I wait until I can get transferred back to SoCal.

I'm terribly lonely and miserable here in NorCal. But I was miserable in SoCal too. I'm very anhedonic these days...

I married wife because we have kids, I never wanted to be married , but my parents were divorced when I was 1 , and I promised myself I would always be there for them and I had bet that the family unit would make up for the fact that my wife was the wrong person for me and that I wasn't in love with her. I was wrong I'm miserable.

I have no friends, I can't seem to make any, I have a good job but getting back on my feet after a career change, my credit is awful because of old tax issues,that for some reason I won't resolve. We "rent" her mothers three bedroom house where my three kids share one room and my wife and I in another and her sister in the third.

I'm failing to thrive .

When I took this job in NorCal, I was full of hope for a change for my family , but the move never really happened and my oldest is entering junior high, we decided they, we are better off being in SoCal , and I'll stay here until I can get back there,
A miserable situation compounded by the fact that I got involved with a female coworker, who has ended the relationship , and I am devastated and heartbroken , she is what I've been wanting for a long time , cut from the same cloth as my wife but where my wife is slow paced and passive and a homebody and frankly kind of boring, this other woman is exciting and fun and motivated and will kick my *** and tell me when I'm wrong , where my wife is passive and always looking to me for her answers, etc. of course nothing is perfect with anybody.... But still I wasn't looking for an affair , but it found us and we fight as much as a married couple might.

Still I miss her, the other woman, constantly , greatly.

I'm starting to think I should end my marriage. Not because of the affair, but because I'm so miserable in it.

I feel paralyzed in it, I don't who I am anymore, as far as what direction to go, I feel great helplessness , and hopelessness plus the social aspects of not having our own place at our age.

We are , my wife and I, I feel ; losers. Good nice solid people , like music and all the social stuff, but I'm the only one working, which is ok , for now, but well be well in our 40's by the time we can buy our first house,

I'm not a good provider .

I've been miserable for a long time, absent father growing up, abusive alcoholic step father, mother very passive and sorta checked out , but very nurturing , and overly emotional .

My full sister is recovering alcoholic with diagnosed bi-polar and I'm pretty sure is borderline personality disorder. She is divorced with two kids, the father is alcoholic , professional , and absent . My sister was molested by our paternal grandfather for years as a child, before she finally came out about it . That man got me once too, and I've grown up sorta bi-sexual , perhaps because of that experience.

So I find myself here, by myself in NorCal with a good job and nothing else, I found a girl of my dreams , and likely killed the relationship not because I'm married but because of my massively low self esteem and inability to properly maintain most relationships. Miserable and heartbroken. My wife and beautiful kids are some 500 miles away, and I visit every 10 days or so but I find myself miserable there too.

I have no social life, nor much desire for one because I don't like where I am in life, I'm embarrassed of what I've become, that I haven't been a great provider for my kids.

I feel like utter garbage as a parent. I knew early on in life being a dad wasn't for me, but life has other plans. But I 1000% love my children dearly.

I'm very a hedonic these days, some of that Is work, I work a lot, but I'm realizing that I may be in a deep hole of depression. I'm stuck in a situation I never was cutout for and never wanted in life.

I'm sad , depressed , lonely afraid , overweight and a smoker. I indulge in norcos from time to time , wonder if they are affecting my social life. I've been told recently that I seem angry and unhappy by coworkers though I don't feel that way inside. I'm very talkative and open and passionate and tend toniest my heart on my sleeve, I try too hard to be funny and it alienates people , I think . I think my sense of humor comes off mean or misunderstood. I am at 39 years old still kinda sarcastic in my humor which can be caustic. I sense that I alienate anyone who isn't stuck with me, ie has no choice, a little arrogant , but down to earth humble easy to talk to, I get along with everyone , I pretty much don't not like anyone I know, yet no one really liked me. I don't get invited places , or have a group of buddies, I did but they all disappeared after the birth of my first child.

I used to think this malaise was just a faze, it will get better, but it really hasn't .im slowly sinking into this pit of I don't even know what. As a kid I was very active had tons of friends and bright and cheery.

Now I'm just a guy, a robot shmuck without even a mortgage.

I miss the girl, coworker immensely, I'm happy every time we are around each other , and we've remained friends, though I feel that slipping too. I cannot bear the thought of not having her in my life because she makes me happy, and the only joy in my life at the moment , pathetic right ? Not even an actual girlfriend.

I cannot see a way out.i am not suicidal . I'm paralyzed with fear of success, of guilt for allowing myself to fall so far behind the curve of my contemporaries. Of allowing myself to be in a marriage where she adores me , and believe me , I've tried , oh god have I tried but she doesn't grab my heart. I'm a freaking sitcom cliche.

I don't know what to do. I can't see this getting better by itself , but I'm so overwhelmed with behind , and in a relationship that I feel bigs me down, holds me back and makes me feel dead inside, but also the fear 100 fold of breaking my children's hearts, and breaking up my family. I've tried to suffer through for them but I find it hard. The marriage is ok, my infidelity notwithstanding, but it's not doing it for me. I'm stuck in that conundrum. Catch -22 I'm damned if I do I'm damned if I don't .

If i do it's gonna kill me personally, spiritually , if I don't it's gonna kill my kids and their spirits.

I feel like I have nothing, not empty mind just nothing. I'm empathetic , no ideations or violent impulses, nothing like that, just being 39 , I'm running out of time to fix my life.

By the way, growing up in a dysfunctional family, my friends were always my family and adored having them. That I don't have any, anymore is the salt in the wound. I'm doing something wrong, or I'm wrong , but I cannot figure out why nothing comes easy for me, never has, in family , in careers , in social circles, in relationships , I always have to work twice as hard for half the gain.

Even though I had lots of social life as a kid even then it felt like work, nothing came easy. It has made me tired. I have no dreams, I have no sense of a future. I'm living paycheck to paycheck both financially and spiritually.

I'm sure I'm living a life that isn't right for me, or what? I don't know. I'm a really nice trusting generous man. I can make people laugh I'm empathetic and sympathetic , I'm educated well read, I'm into new music , all music movies the same things others are, but I cannot seem to be like others, ie happy , or fulfilled. Again friendships have always been work, or feel draining, which is true of everyone , people can flakes etc. but for me it feels more so .

I'm sad , depressed, lonely , getting older, overweight, separated from my family , in love with another woman who is NOT in love with me, on drugs , scared , helpless , hopeless with no one in my life to turn to.

I don't know what to do , where to start . I cannot live with the idea of hurting others so that I may be happy , hence my continued marriage because I can't bear to see her or kids hurt. So I suffer ...

Help.

I'm really sorry for the way you feel. I hope you continue to post and find support on here. Additionally, I think that maybe getting some professional help might be a good idea, if you haven't tried it already.

[Johnnyfml]

Thank you guys, I will say that I was I a particularly dark mood yesterday, I am better today though usually a good night sleep helps. A lot. All of the above is true, and just expressing in the post does a lot to alleviate some of it, sort of shine the light on it

[Fizzyo]

Thinking of you