[Rosebud365]

hi.
I am new to this...
I am 22 and I just cant bare with living like this anymore.
I have suffered from depression all my life for as long as I can remember.
Depression runs in my blood..
my mother, father, sisters, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandmothers and ect have suffered.

The psych ward had and has been a place that is familiar in my blood.
I am tired of feeling dead. I want to enjoy life. I just don't understand why my life has to be like this. I want to breath and enjoy the horizon.
My whole life has been dark and I want light.
I don't know how it truly feels like to be happy. I don't.. and I am starting to feel like I truly never will.

My mother died when I was a child and my father was never there for me and my sisters mentally. I had to become an adult very early; meaning I had a short childhood. I was the strong one in my family that everyone went to even though I was the youngest one.
Adults depended on me to make adult decisions.
that's how far of a game I was in my childhood life.
By the time I turning 16 I tried committing suicide because I couldn't handle all the pressure everyone was putting on me at such a young age.
I ended up telling on myself and went to a psych ward at 15.
I had my sixteen birthday in the psych ward..
and as a young woman that is the STRANGEST way to have a sweet sixteen.

I am 22 years old now and starting to feel like I am 16 years old again.
I am cutting and I am at my very last breath.
I am going back to therapy and taking medication but nothing is working.
I am at the point in my life again that I feel like going back to a psych ward would be the smartest choice.
but this time around I have responsibility.
I just moved out because my father is jobless and blind.
My boyfriend and I moved out. I cant let him be responsible for our new apartment with bills. He cannot afford it and I cannot afford to loose everything I worked hard for.

But, I feel like I am suffocating. It is starting to show in my face even at work.
I work 60 hours a week and have no break. I have two jobs and I just cant handle life being like this anymore. Ever since high school I have had 2 jobs and slowly lost time to myself.

I given up everything for my family. College, my dreams, abortions, my mental state, and loving myself.

I cannot do this anymore. It is affecting my job, my relationship, and my mental health. But I cannot breath..

I just want to know if there is hope out there. IF there is someone like me who keeps on asking themselves if there is such thing as depression going away forever and no suicidal thoughts??

I look around and talk to friends and they do not know how it feels to feel like this every single day.
I know there is people who are in my shoes but are there people who were in my shoes that BROKE out of this state of mind forever?
Please let me know how and what you did to actual be happy.
That is all I want.
TRUE HAPPINESS.

[puzzclar]

I've been where you are. And I have found that if you work at living then life becomes more manageable. Set up some goals and work on them everyday.

[Fizzyo]

Words are inadequate, try to be kind to yourself, you deserve it!