[Tiamat]

Effectively, I am a refugee.

My brother (A veteran of two tours to Iraq) is having flashbacks and other psychological issues and seems completely disconnected to reality. He won’t pay bills, not even when the rent is 4 months overdue and my dad is stressing over it. He won’t take care of his own hygiene and he rarely leaves his room. Except for this morning, when he was found pounding on my dad’s door. He came in when the door was opened, looking all glossy-eyed and sat down just to stare at nothing. My dad, with phone in hand and ready to dial 911, kept trying to ask him what was wrong, but my brother wouldn’t say a thing. There’s just too many broken thoughts going through him, but I can’t pretend to know what he’s going through.

I fear that they’ll get kicked out on the street if my brother won’t get treatment and just get business done. He needs to get back down to Earth, and my dad needs a way to focus on himself. To take a break from caring for my brother, who is beyond the old man’s ability to deal with.

I didn’t just leave because of these things. I felt inadequate and terrified on a daily basis as fights occurred throughout the house. My room was in the center and I could hear most things echoing through the walls. It grew to become an odd feeling when I heard nothing, and I even started to hear shouting and what sounded like objects being thrown… when nothing was going on at all.

There are so many things I could go on about, such as the time when I found out that, first, my brother became addicted to varied drugs, meth among them, and then my father. Two people I didn’t think would go that far, and the only two family members I had left who were close. I lost my sister as she became homeless and addicted to drugs and theft on such a level that she couldn’t be allowed at the house without someone to watch her. I also lost my mother because one day she decided that the voice in her head really did love her and wanted to take her to live on an island. Still, I hear her voice echoing in my head every so often from a time when I helped take her to the emergency room. She was hearing things and thought the police wanted to kill her, and we suspected she’d overdosed on her pills, so I told crisis intervention that she couldn’t come home. That it was too dangerous. “You are not my daughter,” She’d screamed, as police stopped her from fleeing the hospital.

I should be happy now, where I at least seem to be far away from these things, but the reality is that they’re still here. I still feel them, think about them and have dreams of them. Just this morning I woke up from a dream where I’d lost control of a glider and accidentally flown too far away from my brother to a place where he could never find me. I suppose it’s fitting that the place I landed on in real life would be Indiana, nearly completely across the country in a place that is entirely alien to me.

I would be happy if I could actually feel happiness right now, because of the kindness a friend has shown and his dedication to get me here and help me recover, which brings up another subject.

Emotions are hard for me to show, feel or even truly understand. Things that I once found great joy in are now just minor ups. I can’t seem to feel love, either, even though I know it’s there. It really does feel like something incinerated my heart. Maybe I just never got it back when I gave it to my ex boyfriend, and I went back to my parents to experience it all without it.

[robcalher]

That's terrible what you're going and been through. It's also unfortunate and sad about the rest of you're family. I hope your brother gets help and I'm hoping you are also getting treatment to help deal with the things you are feeling. I do wish you the best and hope things get better for you and your family.

[waterknob1234]

Hi Tiamat. My you have had a lot of hard things to deal with. I am hoping you, your brother and your family get the help needed to cope and heal. I wish you the best.

[Fizzyo]

Hi Tiamat I can't even begin to imagine what you have had to cope with and do have to cope with. No wonder it's hard to feel emotions right now. I hope you can find the support you need. It is so hard to watch someone you love choose not to take the path that might help them. Be kind to yourself.