[theolor12]

I am 18 years old, suffering from Bipolar Type II with major depressive episodes and Borderline Personality Disorder. My problem right now is I cannot stop thinking about death, my own death and suicide. Its not urgent and I'm not desperate but my mind just wonders to it everyday and pretty often even though I'm not entirely suicidal. Right now I don't really want to die but my mind just keeps thinking about it and how I want it to be quick. I haven't told my therapist yet but I just don't know what to do, and I don't know why my mind wonders to it everyday.

[*Laurie*]

I understand, because I have the same problem. All the time. Please do talk with your therapist about the death thing. If I had a (talk) therapist, I sure would.

[poruski]

Suicidal ideation. I have a strange idea about it.

How does it make you feel afterward? If it brings you low, definitely find a way to break the habit.

But sometimes it gives you a bit of relief. Like people who have financial struggles and think, "if I only won the lottery..."

If it's the second scenario, and you don't want to act on your thoughts, and it does make you feel better, I think that's not so much of a concern. Work on other things and eventually you'll learn better coping skills or maybe you won't have so much you need to cope with and it will go away on it's own.

The only thing is, if you think about it a lot, then if you become actually suicidal, you will have already made your plans. It speeds the process. You'll have to monitor your mood closely. If you start slipping, get intervention sooner rather than later.

Good luck.

[theolor12]

thanks I just made an appointment

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by theolor12

thanks I just made an appointment

I'm so glad you did.

For me, suicidal ideation is an odd clinical term for the feeling of sheer hell as I look over my life struggling with mental illness and know that I will most likely always be struggling with these terrors. There is no - zero - relief in thinking of death. It terrifies me, especially as I see how fast life speeds by.

[annoyedgrunt84]

I worry about death a lot myself. More like in an existential way though , thoughts like "What happens after we die?" "Does death make life meaningless or meaningful?" "Even if I had the option of living forever would I want to, would immortality get pretty boring after awhile?"

[gremlin11rn]

I am not afraid of death. I often wonder why I am still here, what is my purpose. I do think of my funeral and what crazy things my family will do because it will be for their closure, not for me. I won't like the idea of some of the things - i don't want an open casket wake, I don't want anyone at the cremation, I don't want my oldest daughter having my ashes in a locket to keep me close to her. Ugh. I was going to write a will to not let them do these things but one sister convinced me it was for their closure, not for me. So, oh de well!

I think about it myself. Even when times are good. I think that all of us do not really want to kill ourselves; we just want the pain to go away. There are issues in my life now that I wish could change. I feel like lately, I've had some pretty good things going for me that got taken away. It just doesn't seem fair!

Then again, sometimes I feel like I want to just quit while I'm ahead. There are people that I know of that are in very bad shape physically and I often wonder why they never think of doing themselves in. They feel like life is very precious. I wouldn't get that if I were in very bad shape physically.

[Fuzzybear]

[lovejoy91]

Have you thought about this: Once you're dead, that's it? You can't come back to life. Your "problems" won't be solve. Why not think about solving the problems realistically? Go to a pdoc and therapy to better yourself.