[BluGangsta]

I did something that I promised myself I wouldn't do anymore. Now I feel disgusted and ashamed and I don't know what to do with myself. Every time I think I'm making progress, I take 5 steps back. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why am I like this....I'm so ****ed up. For the past few days I've just been feeling so numb and I thought if I just gave in to my feelings things would feel better but I only end up feeling worst. I don't know how much longer I can live with this feeling. I can't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling. I don't have anyone to talk to. Music doesn't help me anymore. Eating doesn't help and sleeping doesn't help. I dont know what to do to make myself happy anymore. Maybe I'm just not supposed to be happy. Maybe me being here is a mistake.

[lovejoy91]

BluGangsta, you have us here on the board! Talk to us, playa playa, lol. I hope I made you laugh. Look, have you thought about writing in a journal, take a walk through the park, spend time with your love ones, etc.? You have to find your happiness. Do something you're passionate about. Have you gone through therapy?

[HelenasMaiden]

Originally Posted by BluGangsta

I did something that I promised myself I wouldn't do anymore. Now I feel disgusted and ashamed and I don't know what to do with myself. Every time I think I'm making progress, I take 5 steps back. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why am I like this....I'm so ****ed up. For the past few days I've just been feeling so numb and I thought if I just gave in to my feelings things would feel better but I only end up feeling worst. I don't know how much longer I can live with this feeling. I can't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling. I don't have anyone to talk to. Music doesn't help me anymore. Eating doesn't help and sleeping doesn't help. I dont know what to do to make myself happy anymore. Maybe I'm just not supposed to be happy. Maybe me being here is a mistake.

When you have a problem or any other mental illness it's completely normal to relapse. Recovery's a process and it takes time. Some days are good, some days are not so good. What's important is to keep going. Have you tried talking to anyone about your feelings? I know that it's difficult but sometimes we have to reach out to others because having someone to listen makes everything better. Please try to talk with a friend or an therapist who can help you. You deserve to be happy. Feel free to send me a private message if you need a friend. You'll get through this.

[BluGangsta]

Originally Posted by lovejoy91

BluGangsta, you have us here on the board! Talk to us, playa playa, lol. I hope I made you laugh. Look, have you thought about writing in a journal, take a walk through the park, spend time with your love ones, etc.? You have to find your happiness. Do something you're passionate about. Have you gone through therapy?

thank you for writing... a few times i made appointments to go to therapy but chickened out at the last minute. the only time i spend with my "loved ones" is because I live with them. I don't talk to them about any of my problems. No one in my family knows what I'm going through and if they did, they would probably just pretend like they dont know anything

[BluGangsta]

Originally Posted by HelenasMaiden

When you have a problem or any other mental illness it's completely normal to relapse. Recovery's a process and it takes time. Some days are good, some days are not so good. What's important is to keep going. Have you tried talking to anyone about your feelings? I know that it's difficult but sometimes we have to reach out to others because having someone to listen makes everything better. Please try to talk with a friend or an therapist who can help you. You deserve to be happy. Feel free to send me a private message if you need a friend. You'll get through this.

The only time I've ever remotely talked to anyone about what I'm going through is with a boyfriend while I was drunk and the end result is them always telling me its ok and never speaking about it again

[lovejoy91]

Originally Posted by BluGangsta

thank you for writing... a few times i made appointments to go to therapy but chickened out at the last minute. the only time i spend with my "loved ones" is because I live with them. I don't talk to them about any of my problems. No one in my family knows what I'm going through and if they did, they would probably just pretend like they dont know anything

You're welcome! What caused you to chicken out of therapy? Do you fear your family's reaction? You do need a support system outside of this forum.

[waterknob1234]

Hi BluGangsta. I am sorry you are feeling so low right now. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It is frustrating to go 1 step forward and 5 steps back. Give yourself kudos for every step forward. It is difficult when we mess up. But we mess up. We are human. You should see my messes. Sometimes things go wrong and there is nothing we can do but pick ourselves back up and keep going. I say that but I am in a pause and stall mode myself right now so I understand how you feel.

I am not sure if my post makes sense, but I care and understand. Sometimes it helps also to talk to someone. You may pm me anytime. I will listen.

[BluGangsta]

Originally Posted by lovejoy91

You're welcome! What caused you to chicken out of therapy? Do you fear your family's reaction? You do need a support system outside of this forum.

its not that I fear their reaction its just that I've always dealt with things by holding it inside and pretending it doesn't bother me. My family is not the type of family where you can go to with your problems and I dont think I could sit face to face with a stranger and tell them my problems. I dont want anyone judging me or thinking negatively of me

[avlady]

i think it would be a strength if you could be able to get your feeling out. your family doesn't know? Is it something visible? i know like others said here for every step you take back, think of the step forward you took first. good luck and i'll pray for you.

[HelenasMaiden]

Originally Posted by BluGangsta

The only time I've ever remotely talked to anyone about what I'm going through is with a boyfriend while I was drunk and the end result is them always telling me its ok and never speaking about it again

I'm sorry but people don't always react the same way. Have you tried talking to a friend? That could be helpful.