Child sexual abuse + sexual orientation +suicidal thoughts

hello everyone

I desperately need to listen others opinion on my situation.
I had sexual abuse at the age of 10 by my father until 15 when I run out from home using excuse to start my bachelor in other city. Since then I live alone. However that was just beginning of the story. I am gay. After running from home, I was supposed to share apartment with a friend with whom I was in love. Unfortunately he died in car accident during the first month I moved. I got in car accident myself after 2 months and spend 1,5 months in comma, and my parents and sisters did not even visit me, only my mom came for 2 days and left. After that I did not date any guy 7 years. I had to work at nights and study to pay for education, I graduated with donors and started my masters and my career in very competitive job. I could find energy to lose 30kg which I gained after car accident. I was kidnapped and had attempt for trafficking by my "employer", but I could manage to run, having 40 dollars in pocket.
After 4 years I moved to USA and earned my second masters in one of the best universities. After that I moved to Europe and started well paid job.
However, all my relationships end dramatically, last one was with a guy who lied me one year that he was married with another guy who was in one year business trip. The others find me very handsome and interesting, but at the end everyone wants sex. I lost all my friends moving around so much. I don't like my job. I don't like the country, but after 11 years of living alone I have no energy to move on. I feel desperate, I don't like anything in my life, I am not loved, nobody cares about me, I want to kill myself very often, I can't sleep, I am tired of meeting new people and tell my stories and then get disappointed again and again...

I am lost... nothing makes me happy anymore

Hi LostCH. Welcome to Psych Central. I am so sorry to hear of the multiple tragedies you have endured. It is difficult when you feel depressed to reach out for help, but I am so glad you reached out to Psych Central. First, if possible, you need to do is get some kind of help or support in the form of a crisis support line, therapist or psychiatrist that specializes in helping gay orientation people.
Lesbian & Gay Switchboard UK 0121 622 6589
Lothian Gay & Lesbian Switchboard – Scotland 0131 556 4049
The Samaritans UK 0845 790 9090

here are other crisis lines Telephone, Hotlines and Help lines | Psych Central

So sorry for what you endured and experienced abuse as a child. No one should have to go through it. But it sounds like you are a survivor and aiming to deal with it. But it is hard without a therapist, psych doc and guide.

Many people find the forums and the articles helpful. Here are some forums.
Survivors of Abuse - Forums at Psych Central

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Hi LostCH,

First, I'm sincerely sorry that you've had to endure abuse and tragedy, and I very much understand why you have lost hope. The reason I understand is because I am a gay man who has also had to endure abuse and tragedy, and I want you to know that I care about you. And there is hope. I know that you cannot live on hope alone, but without it life is not worth living. So I'm here to give you hope.

I will be sending you a Private Message (PM) ASAP, but if you feel the need feel free to send me a Private Message (just click on my name) anytime you want.

I'm not going to give up on you, so please don't give up on yourself. Promise me that. Okay? It gets better, and I will talk to you soon.

hi lostch
i am sorry that you have had to live through all this tragedy. the first step to finding some stability is to find a therapist that specializes in trauma so that you can sort through all this trauma. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Hello and welcome to Psych Central LostCH!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!