[fosterthehuman]

this past week has been agonizing. i feel like i keep painfully waiting and waiting for a miracle to happen but it's not showing up.

basically, i'm at a paid internship where i am working at a theme park as a busser. i moved seven hours away (by car) and the internship provides housing for me but i have to pay for rent with my work money (and groceries, other stuff like that). i finished training at m job not too long ago, and on the last day, i was given a test of how well i could interact with customers. and... i didn't do so well. my trainer pulled me to the side after the test and said that he noticed i had difficulty talking to them. i decided to bring up the fact that i have anxiety in crowds (and my work location is always busy). he asked me if i would be willing to relocate to a different area in the theme park. i thought that sounded like a good idea because maybe then i could feel more comfortable in a different environment. so then later that same day, i had a talk with one of the managers to see if i could be relocated. she mentioned a few options like taking one of the custodial jobs that were after hours (like 10pm-4am). i told her that might be difficult for me to handle because i still have to go to school, and school starts at 8am for me. but i told her that i would still be willing to do the job as long as i get to stay in the internship. i also mentioned that i have experience in retail sales. she told me that she would talk it over with some people to see if there are other openings available. but if there aren't, i would then have to leave the program. this made me confused and also scared because my trainer had told me that if there weren't any available jobs right now, i would just be sent back to my current job as a busser and wait for 1-2 months until a different job opened up. he also mentioned that he highly doubted that they will terminate me. so then after i finished speaking to the manager, she recommended that i fill out a work restriction form so i could possibly receive accommodations at work because of my social anxiety. she also said not to go to any of my shifts until she calls me and lets me know what to do next.

about a couple of days later, i got a call i from her saying to go to a meeting on monday. on monday, i faxed the work restriction form to health services then went to the meeting. and to my surprise, the woman that i spoke to wasn't there. it was these two people that i had never seen before in my life. they sent me to this room and shut the door, told me to take a seat. that's when i saw my check in one of the person's hands. they stated that unfortunately there were no spots available in the park that would work with my accommodations. and that i could no longer stay in the program. i felt my heart sink and i just wanted to run to the nearest bathroom. i applied for this internship because it was supposed to be a starting point in my career, i was planning on continuing to do other things in this company after i finished this internship. i know that i was only bussing tables but i wanted to expand my career after this. that moment that those people told me i could no longer stay, i just felt hopeless.

i just kept asking them questions such as, is it possible for me to work without the accommodations and just continue to work on my social skills while i stay a busser. they said that the decision is already made and that i can't go back to my original job. i felt so frustrated and confused because i was doing just fine at that job, the only problem i had was talking to customers. and i wasn't the only person in the program who had that problem, my roommates told me that their trainers were telling them about their problems with talking to customers and being told they were too quiet.

they handed me my last paycheck and took my work ID card. i felt like any significance i had was ripped into shreds. they said if I had any other questions, i should talk to the people in my housing office. so i did. i shamefully walked into the office and asked to speak with one of the recruiters. he brought me into yet another quiet room, where he shut the door and asked me what was wrong. i was teary eyed and probably looked like a sad puppy who had just gotten ran over.

i explained to him that i just had a meeting that was scheduled by one of the managers in my work location, they told me that there were no available jobs left for me and that i need to leave the program. he looked shocked and said that he was surprised that that happened. and to be honest i was surprised at his reaction. he asked me i knew the names of the two people i had a meeting with, but i was so heart broken at the time, i didn't even bother to look up at their name tags. i had to explain what my therapist wrote on my restrictions form. and he responded saying that it's very difficult to find a job in this theme park that has limited interaction with people (sigh i know). I was so desperate i told him that i would be willing to work without the accommodations and i would work hard on my social skills because i really want to stay in this program. he admired my determination, but it still didn't guarantee anything.

i just got off the phone with him yesterday and he said that he's going to try to get me a job in the theme park so i can stay. so now i just have to keep waiting and waiting, and waiting some more until (hopefully) a spot opens up. but if one doesn't open up soon, i might have to leave. i never expected this to happen. i thought that this program was going to be something that would help me in my career, not break me.

my recruiter talked to me today and said that there's a possibility of a job opening in the next 2 weeks, and if they are able to put my in that job, i can hopefully get my ID card back. but i still feel like a failure because i was terminated. and i feel like i made a huge mistake by jumping into social situations that i wasn't ready for. i've been fired from a previous job before (cause of my ADD symptoms) and that caused me to go into a deep depression and that's also when i started developing my severe social anxiety. it was such a dark time for me and i don't want to go through that again, i don't think i'm strong enough to go through it again. also, i feel like there's so much judgment from other people about being fired and with my social phobia, i feel like i'm going to be negatively judged and laughed at from others about being termed if they were to ever find out. (i was negatively judged when i got fired from my previous job and it really hurt me)

so i honestly don't know what to do. i'm just really hoping for some support, maybe some help on how to deal with this. i never expected to be fired and i honestly don't know how to cope. i can psychically feel my body going into my depression mode and i just want to make it all stop.

[cakeladie]

Take a deep breath and try and relax. What more then likely got you terminated was your restrictions. I worked for a company for 20 years and when I got sick and needed a commendations they could not do it yet other people got to work from home. It's not fair. But that is life

What theme park do you work at? I would try and relax and hopefully they will find you a position. If not could you try the 10-4 am job get a couple of hours sleep then go to classes then come home and nap. It will take your body a few weeks to adjust but I think if you really want to stay in the program you should try.

I will be thinking about about you and praying for a good outcome.

Keep us posted

[francisR]

hi Fosterthehuman

Hopefully the recruiter might come up with a job you can do at the theme park. If not, it would be useful to have a Plan B.
There are vocational rehab organizations in the US that might be able to get you a job that would do in the meanwhile till your social anxiety improves. Your therapist could give you a referral to one of those organizations.
Then there is goodwill which employs people. I know that you have a career ambitions. But sometimes it is necessary to compromise in the meantime on them till things improve. I do have a university degree, but because my depression was so bad I had to settle for a junior office job for my working life. Take care. I hope and pray everything gets much better for you soon. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis

[waterknob1234]

Hi fosterthehuman

I can understand how devastated you feel. I have been through a very similar situation recently. Getting fired is a horrible blow to your self-esteem. I am hoping your recruiter can help you find another job. I like the idea about the vocational rehab. Ask your therapist for help on this or anything similar. Things can be so unfair in the workplace. Best of wishes to you.