[Glitterbomb713]

Hello. I am new here. Tonight, as many nights I fell into a bad spell of depression meltdown. I have been struggling with this on and off for several years now. Not suicidal or unable to function. Just bad periods suffering from many of the common symptoms of depression.

Tonight what stood out was I realized that its not going to get better. I was overwhelmed with grief that I am never going to be where I want to be in life, or finish the projects I started. Never have a home I am proud of, never have the life I want or the focus or success I want. I will always be fat, always be lazy, always be a wreck and failing at everything I try. What upset me even more is that my husband tried to argue with me and tell me I could get through this and I can get better and be better. I know that is probably what he SHOULD be saying and what most would conclude was the right thing to say. Honestly, all I wanted him to say was that he would love me even if I never recover. I wanted him to say it was ok if I never get my motivation back. That is was ok if I never got he house cleaned up. That it was ok if I never lost the weight and ok if I failed. That he would still love me the same. I am not sure if its wrong or right for me to feel that way. I am not sure why but I was infuriated and depressed further by the thought that I would not only never recover but therefore never be good enough broken. If I can't be good enough while broken, then what happens if I never fix myself?

[possum220]

Welcome to PC. You took a very brave step in reaching out.

Depression has the horrid ability to make the walls close in on our thoughts where not even a ray of light can reach us.

Some people take a logical stance. Not realising what we want or need.

You are good enough as you are. Life will go on and your moods will ebb and flow. Life does not stay exactly the same. Sometimes seeing the simplest thing can make us laugh or smile.

Do you think that maybe talking to a doctor may help? There are times when we need help to put the pieces back together.

I wanted to make you feel better but I don't think I am doing a very good job.

If none of the above helped........... You are not alone

Glitterbomb, depression paralyzes you. Your spouse is trying to support you by saying you can get better by saying it is possible. How he is communicating it is not from understanding because he does not suffer as you do. Here you have the support you are looking for. He is frustrated, you are frustrated. Focus on the beautiful things of your spouse that you really love. Then focus on the beautiful things in your life around you. And it will pick you up to have the energy to start doing little things. I have to force myself to sew when I don't feel like it. Then I snap into a routine and find myself being productive which makes me feel better about myself. Feelings are just that. They are not who you are, you are a person of quality, meaning and purpose. Be good to yourself and look for the things in yourself that you love about you. Be gentle. Change does not come over night, in comes in baby steps. Blessings...

[gayleggg]

I understand what you are saying. We all just all just want to be loved regardless of what we accomplish. I'm sure your husband meant well and loves you no matter if you recover from the depression. But I know it would be good to hear it from him.

There is hope.

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I hope you can accept yourself and forgive yourself for any feelings of guilt over the depression and not being able to live up to what you'd want. I was in that place. What you said is what I never realized. It would have been wonderful if my husband and family would say, it's okay, if you can't get this clean today, I accept you fat and as you are.
I have no advice, just empathize with you.

[avlady]

i empathise with you too. never is not a good word!!! i'm sure anyone would tell you that although. use your time wisely and maybe pick up a hobby or game you would enjoy and go from there. it is not your fault you think this way, i think it is part of the depression, but you can help yourself with the love and encouragement from those around you.good luck

[Tauren]

It sounds like he was trying to help but didn't know what you needed. Maybe you should just tell him: I need to know you'll still love me even if I AM stuck this way.

You say you'll never have the success you want, but maybe you need to rethink what you mean by "success." Maybe you already have what you value.

[Glitterbomb713]

I do have many things that I value in life. I am not to the point of hopeless despair or feeling like I have no value or blessings in my life. I do love my husband and have 2 kids that I adore. I have a job I really love and great work environment. We have a home and food, and heat and so many things that others do not that it makes me feel selfish for wanting more. But my wants are not often of the materialistic type but more the type of person, mother and wife I thought I would be at this point in my life.

The depression has effected my motivation for completing tasks the most. Even though I love my job and am ok once I get there. I dread going all day long. Even if its only a 4 hour part time shift 1 or 2 nights a week...I hate knowing I have to go. Its crazy because its the first job I have had where I really am 100% happy in. So why do I hate the idea of working? I hate errands, grocery shopping, obligations of any sort right now. I especially avoid doing any such things when I would have to take one or both children along as that just feels like a pain in the neck. I have not cooked a meal in 6 months. Its either my husband cooking or we order food in or grab fast food. I do only the bare minimum to keep my house from becoming too disgusting to live in. But otherwise my house is a disaster that I am embarrassed by. I am mortified when people stop by and I refuse to let baby sitters come here to watch the kids. I let laundry go until I essentially have no clothing to wear and am forced to do it. It never makes it from the basket to the closet though. I let random stuff pile up on tables, toys on the floor, papers all over the desk.

This has resulted in an AMAZING ability to lose things and not be able to find them and often I am left tearing the house apart trying to find them at the last minute. I procrastinate to the point that I can never enjoy anything because I am rushing to get it done or I am ready to drive off a cliff because I am running late and under the pressure of not being able to get my act together. All of this disorder causes me untold amounts of stress and depression and YET I cannot seem to crawl out of this funk and actually make the very logical changes to be a more organized and happy person. I can literally look at a messy room and know that if I just clean that one room up...I can feel some weight lifted. Yet even knowing that I won't bring myself to do it. Or I start and the very first obstacle I run into makes me want to quit.

My mom was not perfect. She suffered from depression when I was young too. Yet I recall a clean home and dinner on the table and her still doing things with me. I don't want my children to remember that mom was always crying, always letting the mess pile up and bringing fast food home. I want them to remember my cooking and the home I made for them. I want to take them to do fun things as a family and make more effort to have craft time or family game nights instead of always doing the bare minimum. I want my husband to tell his friends what a great cook I am and how I make our home so nice for him to come home too. I know he is frustrated coming home and finding more mess to clean up. He works so hard and that is not to say I don't. I mostly work from home and take care of the toddler all day, but I know I could at least wash a dish or make sure the garbage makes it to the trash can instead of the counter. I just want to be so much better than I am now. I want to be proud to have our friends over and proud to let my son have sleep overs instead of always making excuses. I just want to be the person thats in my heart. But my mind and body won't let me.

[EllieGreene]

I know how you feel! No kidding. I can't find what I need quickly because I'm unorganized. I keep too much (clothes, papers, toys, etc) and I am overwhelmed by it all. I don't know how other people are able to maintain a house and family life. I sometimes wonder if I have any gifts or talents. I never seem to have a chance to express them.

I need to cut myself some slack. Take time to enjoy people.

I hope you will be kind to yourself and try a little each day to overcome some of your difficulties. Not all at once; that's unrealistic, but one step and then another.

Thank you for being courageous and writing.