[Melmo]

I have been seperated from my daughters father for 5 years now. She is 5 1/2. He cheated on me a few times and when she got pregnant he told me he had been cheating and they have been together ever since, and have a 4 year old.
Over the years he has been depressed and unhappy, regretting cheating on me and has flirted with me constantly, and said at one point that he made a mistake when he cheated on me because he wasnt happy with his girlfriend because they fight, and because he knew she was cheating on him. I still love him, but as a friend and my daughters father and I care about him a lot but I don't have feelings like that for him anymore.
He was always stressed out about money, and felt really bad about not being able to pay me much child support. He told me a couple weeks ago that his gf was pregnant again, and he wasnt overly happy about it because he said he only ever wanted 2 kids. Im sure he was worried about how they'd be able to afford another kid.
Well this morning I was up since 3:30 with my 5 months old and waiting for her to go back to sleep so I logged onto fb and seen a status he posted at 11:30 last night, besically saying sorry and goodbye. I was worried so I texted, then a few minutes later called him. It went straight to voice mail. So I messaged his gf on fb and asked if he was ok. I kind of expected the answer wasn't good but I was hoping I was wrong. She told me the police found his truck on fire, and he was in it. I was in shock, I bawled my eyes out. Thank god my 5 year old is with my dad right now, she spent the night so I have time to think but how am I supposed to tell my daughter that her dad is dead? That he is never coming back, and not only that but that he killed himself?
I'm just not sure how to handle this and I'm terrified of how she is going to react.

[vital]

Originally Posted by Melmo

I have been seperated from my daughters father for 5 years now. She is 5 1/2. He cheated on me a few times and when she got pregnant he told me he had been cheating and they have been together ever since, and have a 4 year old.
Over the years he has been depressed and unhappy, regretting cheating on me and has flirted with me constantly, and said at one point that he made a mistake when he cheated on me because he wasnt happy with his girlfriend because they fight, and because he knew she was cheating on him. I still love him, but as a friend and my daughters father and I care about him a lot but I don't have feelings like that for him anymore.
He was always stressed out about money, and felt really bad about not being able to pay me much child support. He told me a couple weeks ago that his gf was pregnant again, and he wasnt overly happy about it because he said he only ever wanted 2 kids. Im sure he was worried about how they'd be able to afford another kid.
Well this morning I was up since 3:30 with my 5 months old and waiting for her to go back to sleep so I logged onto fb and seen a status he posted at 11:30 last night, besically saying sorry and goodbye. I was worried so I texted, then a few minutes later called him. It went straight to voice mail. So I messaged his gf on fb and asked if he was ok. I kind of expected the answer wasn't good but I was hoping I was wrong. She told me the police found his truck on fire, and he was in it. I was in shock, I bawled my eyes out. Thank god my 5 year old is with my dad right now, she spent the night so I have time to think but how am I supposed to tell my daughter that her dad is dead? That he is never coming back, and not only that but that he killed himself?
I'm just not sure how to handle this and I'm terrified of how she is going to react.

I don't know what to do Melmo, but you can look up advice about this

Google "how to tell a child their parent died"

- vital

[Melmo]

I have, I've read a bunch of stories about telling kids their parent died of suicide. Ive had people saying I should leave out that he killed himself but in the articles I read it says not to because when kids find out when theyre older, theyre angry for not being told. So I'm not sure.

[smartiesparty]

I agree with what vital said.

The best is to tell her the truth, as 5 year olds are old enough to understand the basic concept of death ; that someone is gone and won't return. You should use concrete words, as death may still be very abstract to them.
You shouldn't say that her father only 'went to sleep', as she may be concerned that if she goes to sleep, she'll experience the same.
She will most likely ask questions about it, like "why?", "where?" You should answer these, explain that her dad was so unhappy he made a very bad and rushed decision and that his body stopped working. Try to answer her questions and try to be honest.

I wish you all the best and I am deeply sorry for your/your daughter's loss. Please take care of yourself and your daughter.

Originally Posted by Melmo

I have, I've read a bunch of stories about telling kids their parent died of suicide. Ive had people saying I should leave out that he killed himself but in the articles I read it says not to because when kids find out when theyre older, theyre angry for not being told. So I'm not sure.

Hi Melmo I am so sorry about what happened.

To answer your question, yes, you should tell her it was suicide, but the news of her father's death and how it happened don't have to coincide immediately. You tell her in a little bit. First tell her that he died. Then, when both of you are ready, sit her down again and explain why. But, if she does ask why immediately, then she is showing you she understands that there is a reason behind death, then you can tell her why at the same moment then, because she is showing she already understands. Let your daughter indicate to you in this way how much you can tell her at once.

Basically, look to see if she asks why he died. If she doesn't, you may have to delay it for just a little, maybe until she is over the main grief.

[vital]

Originally Posted by Melmo

I have, I've read a bunch of stories about telling kids their parent died of suicide. Ive had people saying I should leave out that he killed himself but in the articles I read it says not to because when kids find out when theyre older, theyre angry for not being told. So I'm not sure.

I'm reading a book about trauma right now called "The Body Keeps the Score". by van der Kolk. I wish I had it with me now, but I don't have it.

From what I remember reading so far, he says that the crucial factor in how people respond to trauma is whether they are helpless or whether they are able to take immediate action. If someone is in an emergency situation, say, a car accident, if they are able to act in some way, they will be much better off than if they are trapped and helpless.

This suggests to me that the best thing would be to tell your daughter in a way so that she is in a position to act in some way. Do you and your daughter have a relationship with the 4 year old? Can you ask for your daughter's help in comforting the 4 year old? Can you think of something you can do to preserve the memory of daddy that you can tell her right away after the news. Tell her that you need hugs too. Give your daughter some way of not being helpless.



I'm so sorry Melmo. I wish I really knew what to do. I don't. I'm guessing.

- vital