[StartingFreshNow]

Hi, I haven’t posted on here before but figured I’d step out of my comfort zone and give it a try. I’m recently divorced and have 50/50 custody of my 2 young kids. I have been depressed for years, trying a variety of medications and therapists, receiving multiple diagnoses, and just trying to get back to my “normal” self. I haven’t felt normal in a long time.

Now that I’m on my own I’m finding I also have a good case of anxiety on top of the depression, although maybe that’s always been there and I’m just now recognizing it.

Two months ago I quit my meds cold turkey and managed to make it 6 weeks before having a complete meltdown. I went back on one of my antidepressants 2 weeks ago and I feel like it’s kicking in. I hate being on meds. I never feel like they are actually working and I hate taking them. I’m starting to wonder if I’d just be feeling better anyway without the meds and maybe I should just stop them again. I hate being dependent on them to be happy. I want to be happy on my own. Like I used to be.

I also am greatly struggling because I have no support system. I come from a small broken up family and I’m not close to anyone in my family. I don’t have any close friends – I have none locally and I do have one or two that are long distance but they have their own problems and families and I don’t feel like they have time for me to bother them with my problems. So basically I have no one. I’m dating a man and it’s been 6 months and I’m slowly opening up to him but I’m not to the point I can be fully open with him yet.

It’s very hard on me. I don’t know where to turn. When I don’t have my kids I don’t know how to be alone. I don’t know how to just be by myself. So I turn to sleep. I will literally sleep all day and all night sometimes just to avoid being by myself. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think about, I can’t motivate myself to do things I need to do (clean, run errands, etc) so I just sleep.

I just started seeing a new counselor yesterday but other than that, I have no plan on how to get out of this dark hole I seem to be in. I desperately want to be “normal” so I try to pretend I’m fine but it’s all just an act and it’s an exhausting one.

Any advice you have on any of this would be welcome – from whether I should quit my meds again, to how to find friends you can actually open up to and rely on in a situation like this, to how to be alone. Any help at all is welcome 

Thank you!

Hi, welcome to PC. I got off my meds and felt fine for a while. Then the depression kicked in. Depression is nothing more than a chemical imbalance in the brain. I say to you to just stay on your meds. It gives you a quality of life and helps you cope. As for a support system, try to look at this community on line as a growing experience. By reading and sharing feedback and stories it will give you insight perhaps in different ways to cope. I hope this helps. You have a lot on your plate. Be kind to yourself and just take life one day at a time. That is all that we all are given. Make the most of it and be kind to yourself, you deserve. Blessings.

[vital]

Originally Posted by StartingFreshNow

...
Any advice you have on any of this would be welcome – from whether I should quit my meds again, to how to find friends you can actually open up to and rely on in a situation like this, to how to be alone. Any help at all is welcome 

Thank you!

Hi StartingFreshNow.

L O V E the username.

These notes might help:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB/BA.pdf

And here's what I think is the best overall plan:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

[TerriLynn]

I understand. I was a single mom when I was battling severe depression, no family support and when it hit, my friends bailed. Even the ones who had been through it. I completely understand the aloneness that you feel. But guess what, you can do this! You are strong and have shown that by seeking help.
One of my issues was codependency due to the alcoholism in my family, I went to an Al-Anon meeting and met people there who I could really bond with. Think about something like that, be it a divorce support group, a single parent support group or depression support group. That would be a lot of help.
I don't know why you decided the first time to stop taking the meds, or why you would want to this time. If you feel that they are not working, or not enough, then let the Doc know that and have it adjusted. You shouldn't be taking meds, and them not helping.
I don't suggest you go off of them though!

[vital]

By the way StartingFreshNow, have you been to your regular M.D. recently? There are purely physical/nutritional problems that might be dragging you down. If you've got hypothyroidism, for instance, you'll have low energy and may want to sleep all the time.

Anyway, how's it going today.

Support team member - vital

[StartingFreshNow]

Thank you for your replies. Even though I know there are other people in similar battles, it's helpful to actually physically see it through your responses.

Those notes did help and I saved them for future reference.

A support group is a great idea, I haven't had much luck finding them here where I live but I haven't looked in a while so it's worth checking into. I've been in support groups for other issues and found them very helpful, so maybe I can find one that I fit into for my current issues.

As for medical problems - yes, I've been to a regular MD a lot in the last year. We've tested me for everything under the sun and everything comes back "normal". Which is good - at least there's nothing "wrong" with me, but it's also frustrating because if there was, and there was a simple cure for it, at least I'd have a concrete answer and action plan. Whereas depression and things like that are all kind of abstract.

I think one thing I just realized is that I desperately want to be "normal". I don't want to be different than most other people. I don't want a problem that requires me to do something special to treat it on a regular basis - whether that be take a pill every day, meditate, spend time focusing on anything to do with the problem, etc. I just want to be able to go about my day without having to acknowledge something is different about me. I guess I need to come to terms with that because whether or not I take meds, I'm still going to have to figure out a way to manage all of this....you'd think after so many years of being diagnosed as depressed that I'd already have come to terms with this!

[vital]

Originally Posted by StartingFreshNow

...
I think one thing I just realized is that I desperately want to be "normal". I don't want to be different than most other people. I don't want a problem that requires me to do something special to treat it on a regular basis - whether that be take a pill every day, meditate, spend time focusing on anything to do with the problem, etc. ...

In a way you're incredibly lucky. The things that you "have" to do to feel better like, say, meditation and/or exercise and/or yoga and/or improving your diet happen to also be great for your overall health.

- vital

[eeyorestail]

Originally Posted by vital

In a way you're incredibly lucky. The things that you "have" to do to feel better like, say, meditation and/or exercise and/or yoga and/or improving your diet happen to also be great for your overall health.

- vital

Since anyone can do these things to improve their health whether they have depression or not, I'm not sure how the addition of depression makes the OP "lucky."

To the OP--Two good places to look for a support group are DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) and NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) if you haven't checked those already.

People here are really smart and supportive and while I understand it may not replace IRL support, I hope you will take advantage of it! PC has been a great place for me to come when I feel like the people in my life won't understand what I'm talking about regarding my depression and anxiety.

I understand your desire to be "normal" as I have felt it as well. Just getting through the day can seem like really hard work. Sometimes I would think if I just stopped taking the pills or stopped seeing my therapist maybe somehow I could go be like everyone else. It never quite worked out that way, but the temptation was always there.

Please feel free to stop by our Depression Support Chat, which is on Thursday nights at 9 PM Eastern!

[lima01]

Being that you are a woman other women will come to your circle if you open up to them . While men don't hardly do that. You can get a support system if you are open to that . I think you should let a variety of people in . I always envied women when I was in trouble and alone, they will try to come to your aid . I always helped a woman who was down and out with no strings attached but that's my moms moral teaching . Even though I had no romantic interest in her . It was just the right thing to do . Especially when she had children . So I think your net could be there if you want it . Just an old guy ranting . You take care of yourself .