[DeterminedSlacker]

I feel almost totally emotionless lately. These past 3 months have been some of the most tumultuous of my life. My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and when she told me I teared up a bit, which I would think is normal, but she said "I'm going to need you to be strong for me during this" and since that sentence was spoken I've been almost totally numb. I feel like I turned off my ability to cry and in doing so turned off my ability to feel.

I've rarely cried in my life, the last time before the diagnosis that I cried was when I had my cat put to sleep in my arms about 4 years ago, but I feel like not allowing myself to address the emotions that came with her diagnosis has somewhat killed all of my emotions, good or bad.

I've struggled with depression for a while but this is something different, I don't even know how to describe it but I just feel stuck. I was with a few friends earlier and was forcing myself to laugh, it wasn't a natural laugh it was something I had to consciously do, it's never been like that before and the usual joy that comes with laughter just wasn't there.

I'm spending a lot more time alone as well and I feel like my social skills are slipping because of it. I've been drinking a lot more as well to help sleep and maybe compliment the numbness. I've gone through two bottles of whiskey over the past week and while I've always been a bit of a drinker that is far more than normal.

I'm just really messed up right now, no joy and no sadness, just apathy. I hate it. Don't know what else to say.

[StillIntending]

Total apathy like what you're describing isn't something that happens to me, but I think I have experienced something a lot like what you're talking about through my best friend. He's a very determined slacker and his standby state is just switching off emotion. He legitimately doesn't feel it until he engages it. As a very emotional person myself, this has led to a lot of problems between us. In order to break through this emotional barrier of his, I basically have to be so visibly distraught that it accesses whatever primal function in him truly cares about me and tears through this wall of apathy he creates for himself.
Does that sound anything like what you're experiencing?
He does it to hide from uncomfortable situations. Often once I've broken through his barrier I'll have to back off completely anyway simply because over on the other side of the barrier he's already in an emotional, depressed panic.
He also plays a lot of video games to escape life to an unhealthy, avoidant degree. Not sure if you maybe have any hobbies you use to do that same thing too.
What I tell him is that avoidance is a great coping mechanism for the short term and can really help you get through crisis points, but it cannot be sustained. The barrier has to come down. The emotions have to be dealt with eventually, because even if you think you can't feel them, they're in their somewhere. He can't access them on his own and sometimes not even I can, but it's a process.
I don't know if any of that is helpful at all. I may have just been rambling. I'm not sure. I'm sorry if I was.
Basically I think I can empathize with you a little and I'm very sorry that you've found yourself in this situation. And I'm lifting up a quick prayer for both you and your mother right now.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

It sounds like you have just shut down emotionally. Is there someone you can talk to about this. Maybe a grief counselor would be a good idea. Sometimes rather than grieve we shut down. It's important that you get your feelings out. You can grieve and still stay strong for your mom.

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I'm really sorry to hear about your mother. I can relate a bit, I think, to the state you're finding yourself in.

My dad became very ill several years ago and was in the hospital and then a rehab facility for months. I can't remember if my mother told me that I needed to be strong for her, or if I could just see that she was about to break down and took it upon myself.

I can remember feeling numb and sort of "outside my body" and also having a feeling of "this can't actually be happening".

I was a determined and busy person for several months until my dad's health crisis was over, and he was back at home. At that point, I pretty much fell apart and had one of the worst depressive episodes of my life.

I think a grief counselor or some sort of counseling is probably a good idea. Some hospitals have free grief counseling programs.

When life's big blows hit people who already struggle with depression, it can get very complicated.

[jtesta33]

I like your tagline. This too shall pass! Life is a finite thing but this doesn't blunt the sadness of losing a loved-one. Your body has put up some defenses, which is a ***** because a good cry would probably help a great deal.

My mother is down to her last couple of years, having suffered a stroke a few months ago. She was totally independent, and now she has to rely on home healthcare professionals to help her bathe and do the other things to try to live her life. I love my mother so much and she's been with me through a life of bipolar depression. I've also shut down emotionally but what I really need to do is cry until I get a dehydration headache. I need a release so bad it's driving me crazy!

But please know this: you are not by yourself in this. I hope you find comfort in this forum!

I am sorry to hear about your mother. I know what it is like having to be emotionally strong. Grab the arm of a trusted friend and explain how you feel. There are also grief groups for those termianlly ill in most churches that you can attend. I took care of my dad with alzheimers while ill myself and my mother with dementia. now my mom is with my sister. she is being strong for her like you said. It is difficult but you can do this. Pray and ask God for the strength to do it and pray and ask for a good friend to be put in your life to help you as a caretaker. I hope this helps. blessings

[DeterminedSlacker]

Thanks for your support guys, it helps more than you know.

Many of you have suggested seeing a counselor, I've considered it but I'm nowhere near as open about these things in person as I've been trying to be on here. I guess I was raised not to complain and to handle things on my own which has its benefits but definitely its drawbacks as well, like in a situation like this.

Jo, that's how I feel, now that her surgery is over and she's recovering from it and I am trying to get things back to normal it's all finally hitting me. I think I'm trying to extend the numbness so I don't have to deal with the emotional fallout of all of this. That's why I feel like I need to cry just to get this all out, just like jtesta said, but it just won't happen for me. I feel like I flipped a switch that I can't flip back.

I have been using things to be avoidant, StillIntending, video games being one of those tools. You're right, it's useful in the short term but it's not a permanent fix. That's the thing, I do want to confront this I just don't even know how at this point. I was never under any illusions that she would live forever but I don't think we're really ever ready to confront something like this. I can't get the image of fear on her face out of my head when they were rolling her into surgery, I've never seen her so vulnerable and I couldn't deal with how it made me feel at the time because at that point my brother kinda lost it and I had to stay strong for his sake.

Omega, I've never been a very religious person but through all of this I've probably said more our fathers and hail mary's than any priest ever told me to during confession. I'm thankful that I do have one person who has supported me throughout this entire process, my girlfriend, but I still feel like I haven't gotten it all out. Perhaps it's just macho bs but I can't be totally emotionally open with her in terms of letting myself cry. She has been nothing but supportive and hasn't judged me throughout any of this but I still feel some sort of need to keep my composure around her.

Thanks again everyone for your replies.

[StillIntending]

I think that your biggest stumbling block seems to be a fear of vulnerability. That's pretty common—I know I fear vulnerability to a dangerous extent, and I thin most people do. All the same, you will never be able to fully process these emotions and this experience without letting yourself have the freedom of being vulnerable. That's not something that you can do overnight. It's a long, arduous process that includes fighting instinct and placing immeasurable trust into the person or people you allow to see you vulnerable. A good place to start could be your girlfriend. Of course, this is exactly what therapists are designed to help with.
Vulnerability is ****ing terrifying, but unfortunately, I believe that it's necessary in order to fully process emotion. Emotion, you see, doesn't evaporate on its own. It can only be gone through. If you refuse to go through it, and keep it locked inside, it won't fizzle out and die in there. Rather the opposite—it will fester inside of you until it's been distorted into an even larger problem. The only way to truly be free of emotion is to go through it the hard way, and that hard way is going to involve vulnerability. It's up to you who you choose to trust with such an important part of yourself. You don't have to give that person all of you in a day, either. It's a process. You can start by revealing yourself slowly, ready to close back up if you find the person isn't worthy.
Of course I'd be remiss if I didn't recommend you find a therapist to fill this role. This is what they were made for. I've never seen a therapist myself but I definitely plan to in my future, once some things about my situation change. There are a lot of other people here who could talk to you more about therapy though.
Vulnerability is hard, but it's hard because it's worth it.
I hope I helped.