[xxviii]

I just want to write my thoughts.

And how I'm dealing with my depression.

lots of grammatical error

I don't know when or how this happened, all I know is college life has been stressful to me. I took Bs Psychology (ironic) we can't actually afford going to university plus the course that I'm taking is so expensive but this is my dream so my mom did anything just so I get it. Then, I fail 2 of my minor subject due to my absences (because sometimes I don't have money) I disappoint everyone around me especially my mom so now, she decided to make me stop. I understand her because aside of my failure we also have financial problem though, I cry every night. I can't help it. Sometimes, I'm getting mad to myself because this is all my fault and I should understand my mom and get my **** together but I can't I still cry and cry until I just want to die but I can't. I don't really get myself I just want to shut down but I cared too much for everyone and everything.

Me and my mom aren't talking to each other for almost 2 months. i can't talk to her because of the guilt. So, I stayed in my locked room, didn't ate that much, I overslept, deactivated my SNS.

Yesterday, I felt like was not 'me' anymore. I attempt another suicide. I cried so hard that I can't breathe until I collapsed.

When I woke up this morning, I hold my own hand saying how sorry I am for not taking care of myself, so I get up, I ate, I took a bath, I fix my own wounds, get myself a tea. Though, I don't want to go out. I said to myself that I'm okay now, okay sounds okay than nothing. I still locked my door and read some book for distraction. I'm okay now; I'm okay here..

Not until this afternoon, when I saw my sister, she's here. i want to cry and tell how i missed her and what the hell is happening to me but then instead of hugging me the first thing she noticed is how thin I am, how haggard I am, and how mess my room is. I suddenly don't know how to face her, I've been longed for her. I want to talk to her. But now I don't want her to see me. Maybe, she's thinking how pathetic I am right now.
She's talking about how stress she was to her husband and all I could do is nod then she asked me if I'm okay or I feel sick because I am not like that, I used to be talkative and I didn't let anyone to be uncomfortable with me. Then she faced me and say whatever I am going through is nothing, stop over thinking and get a job so I can't be so stress here. I didn't get mad, I didn't agree, nor cry. I just felt nothing. I used to be a cry baby whenever i talked to her but now I just stare at her like she's some kind of stranger. There's a little part of me that makes me want to slap my self for being rude to her but there's also a big part of me that makes me want to shoo her and just go to sleep.

I feel that no one can understand me, and I didn't knew this day will come that I prefer the word 'I'm tired' and the endlessly cry than 'I feel nothing' because right now, to my surprise, I didn't cry, I didn't talk, I didn't demand. I just felt nothing.

[Fizzyo]

Hi XXViii

Welcome to psych central.
Sorry you're struggling so much.

This is a good place to share and find support.
The more active you can be, the easier it will be for someone who understands to find you.
There are people here who understand and want to help.

People here have helped me through some very difficult times. I really hope you find care here too.

[Fizzyo]

[Skeezyks]

Hello xxviii: I'm so sorry you are experiencing such difficulty. PsychCentral is a great place to find support. I'd like to encourage you to post your own threads, as well as to reply to other members' posts, often. In this way you will find yourself becoming more connected to the community here. And also writing about your concerns can itself be helpful too. Do you see a therapist or have a psychiatrist? Depression can be difficult to beat by yourself. I wish you all the best...