[Jelly1015]

I'm new to this forum so forgive me if I'm not in the right place, I just wanted to offload what's currently happening to me and to see if anyone knows of any tips to help. I suffer from periods of anxiety and depression which as I've gotten older have pretty much become a constant condition I'm at logger heads with every day, I manage it with meds (fluoxetine) and I go to counselling too - but I'm finding I'm becoming more and more incapable of opening up honestly there now - I'm frustrated I'm not giving my counsellor the results I expected - I'm a perfectionist and quite a control freak so I'm angry I haven't cracked this (stupid I know) I've recently had a baby and I have suffered with pnd/ppd with my first baby so I know it gives me tendencies to dip into my illness more. I'm at a really frustrating stage now where I can almost own my illness, I understand the difference between when I'm well and I'm not but it's making the whole thing harder not being oblivious as I'm beating myself up for feeling ill again. The main reason I'm posting is I've started having flashes, like suicidal flashes of me disappearing or visuals of actually carrying it out and I wondered if anyone else has suffered the same and how you manage them, or how I can explain them to my GP without frightening him I'm going to do something bad - I don't think I will as deep down I long to be free from my illness more than I wish wish to die to stop it if that makes sense, but it's becoming all consuming where I'm starting to feel it's almost controlling my entire life day to day. The best way to describe how I feel is its almost like a foreign body - a poisonous evil gremlin of a thing has jumped aboard and is pushing my real self out of the driving seat, it's a dark side of the real me, as my genuine thought and feeling of the world are positive, I've got two amazing kids a great life, I'm great full for having the life I always dreamed, only it's almost like I'm living it from behind a glass wall and I can't actually enjoy or interact with my life, which really is a good life, I'm so grateful, I just want to destroy these demons in me that are pulling me away from it all - I'm sorry this has turned into a humongous essay, it's kinda just all fallen out, has anyone any advice on what I can do, or how I can explain this better to a dr? These are purely thoughts and never acted out I just want to rid myself of them because I genuinely want to live, free and weightless from this evil disease, I feel after so many years I deserve to taste normality 😭 Thank you for all who got this far and any advice I would greatly appreciate xxxxx

[lima01]

Originally Posted by Jelly1015

I'm new to this forum so forgive me if I'm not in the right place, I just wanted to offload what's currently happening to me and to see if anyone knows of any tips to help. I suffer from periods of anxiety and depression which as I've gotten older have pretty much become a constant condition I'm at logger heads with every day, I manage it with meds (fluoxetine) and I go to counselling too - but I'm finding I'm becoming more and more incapable of opening up honestly there now - I'm frustrated I'm not giving my counsellor the results I expected - I'm a perfectionist and quite a control freak so I'm angry I haven't cracked this (stupid I know) I've recently had a baby and I have suffered with pnd/ppd with my first baby so I know it gives me tendencies to dip into my illness more. I'm at a really frustrating stage now where I can almost own my illness, I understand the difference between when I'm well and I'm not but it's making the whole thing harder not being oblivious as I'm beating myself up for feeling ill again. The main reason I'm posting is I've started having flashes, like suicidal flashes of me disappearing or visuals of actually carrying it out and I wondered if anyone else has suffered the same and how you manage them, or how I can explain them to my GP without frightening him I'm going to do something bad - I don't think I will as deep down I long to be free from my illness more than I wish wish to die to stop it if that makes sense, but it's becoming all consuming where I'm starting to feel it's almost controlling my entire life day to day. The best way to describe how I feel is its almost like a foreign body - a poisonous evil gremlin of a thing has jumped aboard and is pushing my real self out of the driving seat, it's a dark side of the real me, as my genuine thought and feeling of the world are positive, I've got two amazing kids a great life, I'm great full for having the life I always dreamed, only it's almost like I'm living it from behind a glass wall and I can't actually enjoy or interact with my life, which really is a good life, I'm so grateful, I just want to destroy these demons in me that are pulling me away from it all - I'm sorry this has turned into a humongous essay, it's kinda just all fallen out, has anyone any advice on what I can do, or how I can explain this better to a dr? These are purely thoughts and never acted out I just want to rid myself of them because I genuinely want to live, free and weightless from this evil disease, I feel after so many years I deserve to taste normality 😭 Thank you for all who got this far and any advice I would greatly appreciate xxxxx

Sounds like you need a really good friend to talk to every day. You seem to be looking for an answer with an open mind . They say almost all of us have these bad thoughts but we never act on them so that helps by making you just like other struggling humans . We all have our up and down cycles .
You are working on it that's good . We are subject to chemical unbalances which can cause all sorts of these symptoms . Diet as well as lack of sunshine can be a factor . Are you subject to SAD ?
As a young mother I'm sure you get overwhelmed sometimes that alone can cause problems .
The drugs the doctors use can help but also can cause problems like in my case . I can't tolerate ssri's . I had to go to the old drugs amytripline for help . I try to keep any drugs to a minimum .
We need help from wiser people until we find our path , I believe in claire weekes . Look her up on you tube , she has helped me a lot . She was way ahead of her time and she makes common sense .
In reality very little progress has been made on the human mind . Doctors can repair much more damage to your body . Here's hoping they catch up soon ,certainly looks good for you as you are young and have time for medicine to catch up . I'm old and just hope they make some quick discovery's on dementia,parkinsons and Alzheimer's .
As for perfectionist ,controlling ways -you can learn to stop that. I changed from that when I saw my friends passing away I realized there is no perfect ending . Now I don' t tend to want to build everything of stainless steel as my time left is limited- it is just stuff and it will be here after I'm gone which will not be that far in the future .
Be good to yourself everyday.

[Mountainbard]

Welcome to the Psych Central community, jelly. You are in the right place. I've found perfectionism can often lead to or worsen depression. It's hard to be gentle with ourselves when we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and the world.

I agree that you need someone to talk to. Posting here can help with that. I understand if you feel your counselling has stalled... that usually either indicates it's time to push through and open up more, or find another counsellor. From your post I'm thinking that you're seeing your GP and not a psychiatrist for help in dealing with your depression. Nothing against GP's but they are definitely not trained to deal with mental health issues. You can always ask him/her for a referral to a psychiatrist. And as lima said, be good to yourself every day.

[Fizzyo]

I can relate to your flashes, kind of non-verbal negative thoughts. Your doctor will understand.
I have had similar thoughts myself and when I told my community psychiatric nurse he said it is remarkably common, even to have very violent ideas. It doesn't necessarily mean you will act on them.

Best wishes and I hope you will be able to enjoy your new baby soon. ❤️

[Jelly1015]

Thank you so much for your replies, I'm back at the Drs on Wednesday so will definitely try and open up a bit more, it's nice to know I'm not on my own with these things - although I wouldn't actively wish this on anyone but I'm sure you know what I mean... Thanks so much for reaching out to me I appreciate it more than you know xxxx

[Fizzyo]