[Stretch55]

Hi all,

I've struggled with depression for 10 years, and the more time that goes by, the more I believe I will carry this illness for the rest of my life. And why would I not believe that. You'd think I welcomed this depression, by the life style I've chosen and the lack of making any efforts to change things. The most effort I've performed is countless "how to be happy" google searches and reading up on "top 10" life hack articles on my iPhone before bed. But to be honest, I don't have a terrible life. Because I've had depression for 10 years, I don't know if it's any particular aspect of my life that is the problem, since my life has cycled and changed a lot within 10 years, but depression remains a constant. Lately, I've been zeroing in on my job being the problem, but I've only had it for a year. It may not be the rootcause, but I think it is prompting a rough patch. I work in actuarial = crunching numbers in excel for 10-12 hours straight and my entire day's feeding is one scoop of peanut butter at 10:30am because I forget to get up or take a lunch break. I've lost 15 pounds since I started, which may be because I need to take adderall 3x a day to even meet all my deadlines. On top of work, my employer requires us to take and pass exams every 6 months. These exams require hundreds of hours of study, so I don't even have weekends to look forward to for unwinding. I spend 7 hours both Sat & Sun studying math. I live alone and I work from home, so I'm living in complete isolation. Sometimes I forget the last time I've left my apartment. So, I don't know where to go from here. I can complain all I want, but I'll probably never grow the balls to quit or find a diff job. And I think this is a norm for our culture... Work consuming our lives. I just don't know how to be strong about it.

This felt good to type out and vent.

[dexter]

I think it is a part of our culture but not a good part of our culture. I hope you can find a way to add some balance to your work life. Have you ever had some treatment for your depression? The depression might be keeping you from finding happiness rather than the other way around.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Stretch55. Wow, that's a demanding job. I fear the demands of that job will feed your depression rooting it all the more firmly in your life. Do you have vacation days? Could you use them to speak with a vocational counselor?

[Fizzyo]

❤️

I've been there, about 10 years ago. Working 8 am to 6 pm, Monday to Friday, and then a couple more hours at home to prepare things for the next day. And then taking extra jobs for the weekends as well.

Basically living to work and pay bills. No time for a bite to eat. No time for proper toileting or hygiene. No proper sleep either, as my mind would be all over the place at the end of the day.

I developed severe back problems and other health issues during that time. Then I eventually burned out after a couple of years living that sort of life.

And if you don't set rules and take time for yourself, or find another job, that's what is likely going to happen to you too.

Take care.

Originally Posted by Stretch55

Hi all,

I've struggled with depression for 10 years, and the more time that goes by, the more I believe I will carry this illness for the rest of my life. And why would I not believe that. You'd think I welcomed this depression, by the life style I've chosen and the lack of making any efforts to change things. The most effort I've performed is countless "how to be happy" google searches and reading up on "top 10" life hack articles on my iPhone before bed. But to be honest, I don't have a terrible life. Because I've had depression for 10 years, I don't know if it's any particular aspect of my life that is the problem, since my life has cycled and changed a lot within 10 years, but depression remains a constant. Lately, I've been zeroing in on my job being the problem, but I've only had it for a year. It may not be the rootcause, but I think it is prompting a rough patch. I work in actuarial = crunching numbers in excel for 10-12 hours straight and my entire day's feeding is one scoop of peanut butter at 10:30am because I forget to get up or take a lunch break. I've lost 15 pounds since I started, which may be because I need to take adderall 3x a day to even meet all my deadlines. On top of work, my employer requires us to take and pass exams every 6 months. These exams require hundreds of hours of study, so I don't even have weekends to look forward to for unwinding. I spend 7 hours both Sat & Sun studying math. I live alone and I work from home, so I'm living in complete isolation. Sometimes I forget the last time I've left my apartment. So, I don't know where to go from here. I can complain all I want, but I'll probably never grow the balls to quit or find a diff job. And I think this is a norm for our culture... Work consuming our lives. I just don't know how to be strong about it.

This felt good to type out and vent.

[Stretch55]

Thanks for the responses, everyone.

I agree, I think I'll burn out at some point down the road too if I continue with this lifestyle. A lot of what keeps me going is seeing others do the same thing and somehow they still manage. I try to suck it up because I don't have a spouse, kids, or any major responsibilities yet, so I should have the capability to work hard and study hard. I can't really ask my manager for less work though because a) I'm still new and fear that may look bad and b) I probably have the least amount of work as anyone else on my team and I don't think they complain to my manager, so I'm least warranted to complain about work load.

I always hear it's common to switch careers a ton through our life, but it sounds easier said than done. I got a graduate degree specialized in this field and already spent a year and a half to pass 3 of the professional exams. I would hate to give up on the career and have to start from square one. I would most likely need to go back to school and take more loans out... Out of some of my other post grad friends, I consider myself super lucky for getting a job right after school that could expense me moving out of my moms basement. I don't want to return there.

I just want an easier job. But nothing gets handed to you with that attitude.