[mulan]

Changing who we are is so hard. Behind all the negative thoughts about myself, I am a somewhat hopefull person, I can't stop thinking that the future will be better. I imagine who I want to be, what I want to achieve... Truely speaking I imagine I will have a boyfriend, I will have a family of my own, I will be more caring and concerned about the people around me that support me, I will feel love in my heart, I will have friends and a social life and that I will be good at my profession and I wont be tired doing it but rather like it. It all seems so simple and at the same time so dificult to achieve. Am I dreaming to high? Should I mentalize myself that this things are hard for me to get?
Sometimes I think I know the truth deep down, but it is much more easier to imagine some of it will happen.

I have been always a dreamer, as a children and an adolescent I was even more dreamer...but then I realize the two worlds were incompatible, that life doesn't work out as it does in fantasy.

I look at me and I know I am still a teenager (inside), still realising what is the world, what is important to other people, not to fear the unknown (that is known to everyone else) and accept it as the normal thing it is in other people life...Every forms of intimacy, I mean.

Just simple things, I find it so hard to speak about somethings, few years ago I would be totally embarased if the conversation turned to girly things... I would "fear" girls wearing make up because I associated it with bad things or I would feel just too inferior and then frightened because I didn't know much about the subject. It was a struggle to do some things because I was to afraid about what people would think of me if I told them I liked those shoes or that sweather... I couldn't weare earings because I was afraid of what other people might think, even if I wanted to do it, I knew people would repair I was doing something different of what I use to do and comment about it.

There's so many examples about what I couldn't share. If at night, on our beds, my sister would tell me her social difficulties and how she blamed them on our parents I would identify, cry, but not say a word about my issues. If she noticed I was crying I would deny it and pretend everything was alright with me...

I am talking about these things in the past, as they were not a problem to me anymore... I have come a long way, even if people treat me almost the same way, even if I find me impossible to change, even if these are realy small things. As my roomate always recalls, when me, my sister and him went to eat some pizza out to a restaurant and I couldn't tell the waitress what I wanted to drink, just in a low tone and looking into my sister's eyes to be reassured that she approved it.

I know this things take its time and most of what I have "achieved" was in recent years, after I entered university. How could I choose my study area if I was so afraid of what others would think of my choices?... It was not probably what I would chose if I was by myself, but I find very valuable the things I learned here and I don't mind (untill now) my future profession. In part because I know it exposes me to other people and that I need to be exposed in order to be ok with it.

I started this post not knowing what I was going to say, as usualy, but I think its too long by now, and at least I writed some things I don't normaly tell. Maybe I had more to say about this... I already "asked" my doctor for some therapy. I just had one session, I don't know how it will turn out.

By the way, sorry for my limited english, thank you for reading this... And if this sound to much heroic, it isn't... I hope you don't think or tell me that. Really!

[TheOriginalMe]

I hope that therapy helps you find some strategies to help you make the changes you want to make. I know that I have spent far too much of my life inside my fantasy world and that I missed out on so much because I was too afraid of the real world. Thank you for sharing some of your thoughts and maybe it will help you say them to the people who need to hear you.

[elevatedsoul]

i can relate.. i guess the important part is that we keep fighting and trying, even if we dont think we are getting anywhere or that things cant get better

we are our own worse enemy.. we cant give up, and we can get better.. we just have to fight really hard

stay strong

[Fuzzybear]