[JWRT]

Normally this time of year I don't get depressed. Normally I have a bad one in the fall and maybe through christmas and by now am doing good. Skip to last paragraph if you don't want to read all this.

But before Christmas this year we found out my Dad has lung cancer. I learned from many years as a mental health patient that we have to either really advocate for ourselves or have someone who can. I am a strong believer in a patient having an advocate. Medical records don't get transferred, docs don't communicate with each other, on and on. I have been there every step of the way.

We were at one of the best hospitals in the state for possible surgery on the lung. It ended up 4 days later with an oncologist telling us that he had weeks to live and to get hospice involved right away. He predicted that my dad would be at a 4 on the ECOG scale which means in bed 24/7.

The guy was wrong. In the last three weeks since he has been home he is actually at a 1 on the ECOG scale. Meaning he can do most everything on his own.

So his oncologist here wants to treat and thinks he can get him one or two good years. We were floored when we heard that. That means we discharged from hospice. The guy said that without even looking at the records from the other hospital. WTF. I had to hand him the CD of the CT Scan from the other hospital. We were going on him only having weeks so there has been a parade of family and friends over everyday for the last three weeks and my Dad has been feeling good enough for all of that. He has fed off of the outpouring of love.

This is all very good news (I think) but now that the stream of people is gone and it is just me, my mom, and my dad, I have hit a wall. I always knew it would be me that would end up being my parents caretakers at the end of their lives and I am totally ok with that.......

BUT the last three days since things have died down it has all caught up to me. I hit a wall of depression. I was very hypo manic for quite awhile there. I can't be a very good caretaker if I am in a severe depression. I know I have to take care of myself too but for 30 years depressions just hit me for no reason at all, or in this case for a reason, but there seems to be very little I can do to prevent it. They hit me and run their course is always how it has been. That is fine except when people are counting on me. I hope it doesn't last long.

[Fuzzybear]

[Ocean Swimmer]

Maybe what's best is for you to see your Pdoc and get some medicine.
Congratulations on your father's renewed health.
Make sure you are getting enough sleep.

[Fizzyo]

I'm so very sorry to hear of your and your Dad's predicament, that really is a reason to be depressed.

I agree, seeing your Pdoc and caring for yourself while your Dad is still fairly independent is essential, you may surprise yourself what you can do when it is most needed, but some support for yourself will be essential.

[dexter]

Good luck JWRT. Being aware of your symptoms doesn't make them any easier to deal with but it may help you plan. Maybe it is OK for you to feel low now while your Dad has some energy so that you can regroup when your Dad needs it. Good luck with your own health and with your Dad.

[JWRT]

Thank you for the comments.

It seems to be lifting. I had a pretty good day yesterday and was able to take my Dad out for his appointment and to lunch. I felt much better after. Forcing it often doesn't work for me but this time it did or, more likely, I am just coming out of it. That seems to be my pattern the last two years. After a period of a lot of activity, no matter what kind, I crash hard for about 5 days and even get suicidal. I can deal with that. It sure beats weeks and months of severe depression which i have had plenty of times before.

[JWRT]

I think this whole situation has driven me back down the rabbit hole of depression. Situataional doesn't usually affect me too much but I have never faced losing a parent to cancer before.

It's mainly because this local doctor (oncologist) told us two weeks ago that he could treat and buy my Dad a year or two more of good life without even looking at the medical evidence from one of the best hospitals around that we had just discharged from two weeks prior to that.

I had the all the damn records and the CT scan from that hospital in my brief case and laptop I brought to the appointment. All he had to so was look for five minutes. I bought into the hope hook, line, and sinker. He orders his own CT scan and then two weeks later he is looking at it and telling us the same thing the hospital told us. We can't treat it and you have 3 or 4 months left on God's green earth.

Getting that hope shattered even though I knew better has hit me hard and on the same day I had snapped out of was doing great.

Roller coaster.

[Fizzyo]

Nothing to say. I really feel for you

[Fuzzybear]

[EnglishDave]

I am saddened to read your story. Having lost my Dad to Cancer and being a double Cancer survivor - Gallbladder and Colorectal - myself, I have seen the battle from both sides. It is a difficult Journey, both sides are strewn with setbacks and days of renewed brightness. All I can suggest is take hold of the latter when they come, and cherish them!

Time may be short, so try to stay positive for your Dad - at least on the surface. Be left with no regrets, take as much as you can from these remaining months.

Dave.

[JWRT]

Thanks Dave.

We as a family or at least my parents and myself have come to a pretty good place of acceptance. He is 75, has had a good life, and the prognosis is what it is. He is very at peace with it and he is doing remarkably well and is able to go out visiting and so on.

My concern is that my depression will make it more difficult to play my role as caretaker and to just spend quality time with him while I can. Thank god we don't have any unresolved issues between us. Luckily my family has done a lot of work over the years on our dysfunction.

I just want to be a good son and be there for them as they have been there for me. Depression makes it harder. I guess there is no reason for me to expect it is going to be easy.

[EnglishDave]

It is good to hear you have worked on your Family's dysfunction, that will bring peace to your Dad. I was the opposite every time when we had to face Mortality in our Family and dysfunction and unresolved issues made things much worse.

As for managing your Depression, those of us who suffer with this condition are much more affected by negative Life Events. We plunge deeper and take longer to recover. So, you have to take more care of yourself even if that means more support. Utilise everything from self-help Mindfulness/Meditation, through Therapy (including Posting here for instant support/advice), to adjusting your ADs. You are in a sad situation where you must adjust your outward demeanour for the sake of others. This is normally unhealthy, but is understandable in your case.

Your concern for your Dad and your Family, over your own health, shows you are a wonderful Son.

Dave.

[Fizzyo]

Originally Posted by EnglishDave

Your concern for your Dad and your Family, over your own health, shows you are a wonderful Son.

Dave.

I agree

Your Dad knows you well, I expect he will have some idea how hard it is for you to keep it together and will appreciate your efforts even more because of that (even if he doesn't say)

[Altered Moment]

This is confusing because I created a new profile and then I changed username on my old profile but this is JWRT under my old account.

Yes taking extra care of myself I agree is important. I was seeing a therapist but a change in insurance stopped that but I just found out I qualify to still see her so I am going to do that.

Mindfulness/Meditation has always been a big part of my program so i will pay more attention to that.

I am also a recovering alcoholic addict with a lot of time in recovery but I have noticed I feel much more vulnerable to relapse lately. Never had that issue before. Cravings. I need to go back to a lot more AA meetings for my sobriety and it is great support.

Uncharted territory for me so talking to people with this experience helps big time.
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