The life, activities, and lifestyle I once had. Getting ill meant I was torn away from those things important to me. I will never have that life again. Heck, I couldn't even afford to visit that part of the country. It is all behind me. I have a lot of resentment.

This makes no sense. I have achieved a small measure of happiness with my current life but I am constantly reminded - like today - of the one I used to live.

I've gone from cabin to apartment in the heart of the city.
Mountains and thick forest to flat prairie and scrub bush.
Lakes and ocean to smelly little river.
Jeep to bus
carefree solitude to always being watched in a crowd
art and pottery studio to everything in storage

The people - including my psychiatrists around me - seem to be unable to understand that someone would actually want to live that way and wow there is so much to do in the city! No, don't try and tell me that joining a book club replaces climbing mountains. Don't tell me that volunteering at the museum replaces kayaking on the ocean....

[Skeezyks]

Hello rcat: The life you had sounds like it was wonderful. It makes perfect sense to me that you miss it so much. I grew up in the country. I now live in the city. My life in the country had some major problems. But I still recall tramping through the fields on a sunny early spring day... a small slice of heaven...

[DechanDawa]

This post is somewhat poignant and sad, rcat. Hugs. I too once upon a time had an ideal life in an ideal place. Leaving it behind was one of the most difficult things ever. It would be nice if people didn't try to "talk you into" enjoying your city life as much as your country life. Sometimes it takes a long time to adjust, if at all. It took me over 10 years to adjust to the town and landscape where I have now lived for over 20 years. And as I am being forced to move out of this town in a few months I realize how terribly attached to it I am. I have created memories in every corner, every nook and cranny here, so when I drive or walk around I see a memory map, and it comforts me. I hate starting over in new places. I am too old now to create complex new memory maps in new places. Some people thrive in new places. For the record, rcat, your old life sounded ideal, and certainly you would miss it, and that should be acknowledged from time to time. But life is change, how it differs from the rocks. Dang.

[DesigningWoman]

This is going to come off harsh, but no, your life will not ever be exactly the same. I have been there. I had my whole world uprooted and ended up living in an abusive environment due to depression. My depression worsened. I grieved for my old life. I wasted years of my new one. Looking back, I wish someone had been honest with me. No, you can't go back in time. No can never return to an environment and have it and you be unchanged. Here's the thing though. It happens all the time. I think in some way or another everyone will go through this due to illness, death, accident, or finances sometime. Life and living are not what is done to you. It's what you do response.
Yes, those are precious memories of a precious time. But you can't not live in a memory. I would urge you to think of ways to improve your life right here and now and going forward. You are not the only one.

I have been moving ahead and have what I will call a degree of happiness in my life but does it make sense when I say I'm not content with it all? That, despite the joy I DO have that something is missing; that sense of home and spiritual connection to the outdoors which drove my sense of purpose seems so empty.

I will be enjoying the company of my good relationships or enjoying a day when something comes up reminding me of that old life. A jeep goes by that I swear was the one that used to be mine. A vehicle with kayaks on the roof. These things when I see them feel like kicks in te teeth. And until the moment passes I feel so fake pretending everything is okay.

[DesigningWoman]

I totally understand. I lost everything, my home, my full scholarship for college, my planned future, my friends, and everything. I was humiliated and devastated. Plus suffering from terrible depression.
I am glad you are able to find joy, even if it isn't total.
But that you are in the city now, in no way precludes you being back in nature in the future. That might be a big life goal. Not achievable today, but something to focus on for the future.
In August, I began living totally on my own for really the first time ever. I am 36.
At one point, I called my therapist panicking, telling her I had made a terrible mistake. She reminded me that I had been the one that wanted this life change and that I had previously lived in a toxic abusive environment with family. She asked me what my life goals were. I told her. She said you are learning to walk a tightrope and right now you keep looking down. Your goal is in front of you. Keep your eyes on that. Keep making progress toward that.
Mental illness and a lot of other life circumstances and illnesses do kick us in the teeth. I don't know why it works that way. But it does. No matter how quickly you get up. You will be changed in some way by the fall. But strength is found in the testing, victory only in battle.