[DechanDawa]

I have been depressed for 18 months and have not been living normally.

I have tried to get help and all anyone has ever told me is to go to the hospital if I feel suicidal.

I have to act normal but I feel strange and weird. How do I do this? Can I look at myself from outside of myself? Does that make sense? I am not hysterical, no crying, no banging my head or doing anything abnormal. When I go out and talk to people they seem to react to me like I am normal.

The only outward sign of stress I used to have was that I chain-smoked. I never smoked inside but I would sit on my porch and chain-smoke. Wherever I happened to be (except for work) I would smoke a lot. I quit smoking over a year ago. I am a very quiet and private person and just quietly come and go. Now that I don't smoke I never go out on my porch.

A few years ago I was going through a depression and mentioned to someone I felt suicidal. The next thing I knew three cops were standing on my doorstep asking to come in. They said someone placed a call that I was suicidal. They came in and talked to me for about an hour. They next day another cop stopped by. She said I seemed okay, but if I started to feel bad to go to the emergency room. That was it.

Since that time I am careful not to bring up that word. I don't even mention to anyone casually about my situation, but I feel that my situation is extreme.

I don't know if I am acting normally and coping, or if I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Can someone please comment?

Please leave a comment. Thanks so much. Hugs.

I'm not sure what a nervous breakdown is although I have heard the term. When I was at my worst, many times I was sure I was on the verge of cracking up and just falling apart. Once I was looking in the mirror and I actually seemed to see myself disintegrating. But... it never happened. There were some long periods where it wasn't just day to day... it was moment to moment... second to second. I still have some bad times but they don't last as long. If it ever got bad again for an extended time I think I could manage. I hope it never happens because I'm just not sure I'd have the motivation at this stage of my life.
Everyone must have known I was suicidal. I suppose they didn't realize how serious I was. I'm very hard to read physically. There were times I was jumping out of my skin on the inside but people remarked on how outwardly calm I seemed. Crazy hmmm?
Anyway, no cops ever came to my door and I was never hospitalized. It sounds like the cops are on the ball where you live. I'm glad they handled it so well.
You can get through this. Do you have any help at all?

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by George H.

I'm not sure what a nervous breakdown is although I have heard the term. When I was at my worst, many times I was sure I was on the verge of cracking up and just falling apart. Once I was looking in the mirror and I actually seemed to see myself disintegrating. But... it never happened. There were some long periods where it wasn't just day to day... it was moment to moment... second to second. I still have some bad times but they don't last as long. If it ever got bad again for an extended time I think I could manage. I hope it never happens because I'm just not sure I'd have the motivation at this stage of my life.
Everyone must have known I was suicidal. I suppose they didn't realize how serious I was. I'm very hard to read physically. There were times I was jumping out of my skin on the inside but people remarked on how outwardly calm I seemed. Crazy hmmm?
Anyway, no cops ever came to my door and I was never hospitalized. It sounds like the cops are on the ball where you live. I'm glad they handled it so well.
You can get through this. Do you have any help at all?

You described my situation exactly. Yes, like I am afraid of disintegrating. This is problematic because I studied and practiced Buddhism for 20 years. So when I feel this looseness of personality my mind just says, but of course, that is reality, we are all pretty loosely woven, and we just pretend we are solid. Even if I think I am an expert in Buddhist metaphysics I am still freaked out. In the real world we have to present as real. We can't walk around like ghosts, and when you don't have a job or money and your apartment is being ripped out from under you...it makes one feel ghosty. It helps that you understand.

Oh yes, the cops in my town are lovelies.

The person who called them was a bit of a sarcastic cynic. When I asked him why he called the cops he said, "That will teach you a lesson. You should never go around saying you are suicidal to get attention."

But yes, I have the maybe I will crack up fear. Like I will lose hold of reality and do something weird. But I have never done anything like that in my life. I don't think! But that is the fear. Like you I present as very calm, especially since I stopped smoking. Which makes it strange.

My only child, a son, is extremely calm. One time when he was a teenager I commented about it. He tapped his skull and said, "Yeah, but inside here I am a fiery volcano."

That's kind of how I feel.

PS George H. ROcks!!!

[DechanDawa]

I don't have any help and that is the main problem. I think I am just going to have to grit my teeth and wait it out.