AvPD - Broken heart - Broken Psyche

I was just wondering if anyone with avpd has fell in love - develop safe haven around that person - then have it ripped out of your life;

if you have; how did it make you feel, how did you cope - how did you deal with it - did you ever heal or see any possibility of having the same type of relationship with another person the rest of your life?

it seems it will be completely impossible for me to develop a bond like that again.. simply because i stop myself from doing so many things; and not on purpose... i just have a natural tendency to avoid pretty much everything that can bring pain to me - whatever kind of pain that may be...

for me i have suffered alot of issues all my life - but when i had her in my life i was much stronger; my ability to cope and look past things were so much higher - she just gave me a great deal of strength - in everything - in people
i had never really felt happy before i met her so i will never forget this and feel like the added pain from this broken heart will never go away... its been years of me trying to cope - to realize that things can't go back the way they were - but my psychological state tends to manipulate me well... end up only remembering the good times i had with her because its the only time i felt good in my life - i know im supposed to make new good things to think about; but i am just finding it extremely difficult to try anymore.. always having to fake emotions and act out different moods just to try to avoid being spotted as different, and of course im good at it... but im just so tired of it, and i dont know how to get better because i have tried everything...
tired of faking...

i am so stupid - dont know why i can't just shake it off and say get over it, you knew people couldnt care about you anyway so why are you surprised things fell apart with her? but i know its because i bonded with her and i've never bonded with anyone before - and i just cant seem to get over it... i dont know if it will make sense - i know it doesnt make sense to me, because i know im just really messed up mentally... but its killing me; she is still nice to me - but i just can't stop feeling the need for her... and it seems impossible to simply replace her :/ and this was not just simple infatuation because i desired the companionship.. i went through alot with her :/ known her for 10 years.. had a 4 year relationship in the beginning.. but life is cruel and we can only be friends now - so im trying to be friends...
just feel like a huge fool... because no matter how much i curse at myself and say all the bad things in the world - to try to make me feel different.. just doesnt change anything :/ and ive not been able to be so great to her lately because of this... she is important to me on a very deep level; and i want her as a friend; i just dont know what to do about it because i still feel the same about her; but whatever- i dont know how to explain things, and im not going to write anymore because i have already written to much;

all i want to know is there any one with avpd and a broken heart out there with some kind of advice

im just trying to numb the pain with various methods - till i figure something else out.. i just thought i would ask if there is any advice for such a thing...
i know the most of you will say "time will heal all" but i've told myself that for years - and honestly it seems to just get worse because it hasnt gotten better which erodes my hopes...

i also have other issues but i think maybe these avpd traits are causing alot of problems with this particular thing...

sorry if this sounds particularly daunting - im just dealing with this depression as well.. besides the broken heart :/ my life sucks - and i dont really like myself much anymore because of how difficult everything has to be...

over-

this is how i feel everyday

❤️

i know my only option here is to try to meet someone else that i can get along with...
but when i close my eyes i see her :/
i know that its stupid... i just dont know how to get involved with someone new...
i just end up ignoring them or not noticing because my thoughts are somewhere off in wonderland...

i know i shouldn't put so much of my happiness in other people, but... i need someone close - not to babysit me or whatever... but someone i can reflect with... just dont see how its going to happen :/ for someone like me to have someone compatible seems like an impossibility...
im not getting any younger either - and its starting to scare me... what if i end up never meeting anyone or ever having the chance to develop any kind of relationship... because of my stupid feelings...

are there any other guys out there like that? even without Avpd symptoms-

im just complicated :/ an intellectual that cant seem to match up with people...
cant seem to get over this stupid brokenheart stuff...

i am complex... have a lot of issues.. but am able to contain them well usually ...
most people would only say good things about me...
i am good looking... and intelligent..
but i have a problem letting anyone close... close enough to see me - for who i am....

It's not stupid, it's how you feel.

Sadly, far too many people feel the way you describe.

Your loneliness is palpable, I'm sorry we can't do much to alleviate it.

yeah... knw im not the only one.... just through teverything i dont know why....
the one thing that seem to mean the most - or to make the most difference...
well.... nothing lasts for ever... many things aren't real.... just have to try to accept that things are fake... and it doesnt matter weather its happy or sad... because its just another part of it... and things wont change... even if you try to keep telling yourself things will... just wish i knew how to stop.... i dont want any of this any at all any more.... but its what i have to hold deep inside of me.... because no one can know.... people cant undersdand.... because its just so bloody complicated.... it doesnt make any sense.... how can any one be so stupid.... whatever.... i give up..... i hate ths....

dont know why this one person does this to me - never happened before...
i just push it aside usualy...
doesnt matter...
but its killing me... i give up really... just make it stop....