SSDI hearing

i filed for help i think late 2012- beginning of 2013... they kept denying me and i finally got a court hearing in feb.. for april...

only a couple more weeks before then...

i have had these issues my whole life so when i was denied the first time i was shocked... then the 2nd.. 3rd...
the mental health clinic i was seeing was encouraging me to get this help...

i have been diagnosed a few times and have been trying to do treatment the whole time i've been trying to get benefits... but my problem obviously is more comlpicated than just some simple faking to get government money...
only towards end of last year i quit the clinic to get away from misdiagnosis and all the drugs that i didnt need to hopefully find a doctor that would accurately diagnose and treat me...

i mean at the clinic they kept telling me "the diagnosis isn't important"
and when i said how is it not important? how do you treat something if you dont know what it is you are treating? they would say things like "its the symptoms that we treat, we manage the symptoms" and thats fine, i understand but you are treating a symptom - which can be part of several dissorders and treatment for different disorders should be handled differently... but im not a doctor and maybe im just full of @^$# and dont know what im talking about... just didnt like being called bipolar and told that im manic when i knew that i was not having any mania or bipolar... how can you trust a team when they claim you are manic...? wasn't manic... was severely depressed and severely anxious... cant even tell the difference between mania and severe anxiety...? aff.... but i guess they like to treat mania and anxiety the same way - 20mg zyprexa 600 mg seroquel - add some depakote and perphenazine and hey, why not lithium?
bloody idiots.... maybe some people wanna take a mixture of drugs that would make a normal person stare at the wall all day, but i dont wanna take all those pills even though they didnt make me completely zonked out... but is because im used to taking a lot of drugs anyway... but i still had the anxiety and depression and all of the addded side effects and i just hate it... seems like my efforts are futile...

having adhd ontop of all that problably doesnt help...

i am young and i dont want to live off of this stuff... dont want to use disability my whole life...
but i can not function... every day i am just fighting to keep myself alive...
im struggling so hard...
i can't support myself at all... i can barely feed myself or take care of myself at all... if it wasn't for my parents i would be dead, i am certain...

i just need a little help to pay for things.... i need the help so i can get treatment i need... i can't get better like this and feel like this illness is going to kill me...
i am so scared that i am going to be denied again.... and i dont know what i am going to do if that happens... if i cant get treatment...
i dont want to die i just want help... i want a life... a real life....
i dont want any of this... but i dunno what to do... i have no choice but to try to fight it because i cant just make it go away... but i need help... i cant do this on my own... i have learned that over my life trying to do it all on my own... i scare myself sometimes because i get so depressed... i hate it so much...

i just cant get any treatment because i have no money... i have no insurance... i have no transportation... i just have nothing... i am hopeless... this is like the last ... this is my last hope... i know im not going to survive without treatment... just cant get any help...

for example my cousin received ssdi on the first attempt within like 3 months of filing... i dunno why, why did he get it so easy?
his problems are no where near as complicated as mine obviously... he doesn't have the MDD like me... he doesnt have ADHD or PTSD... he has OCD... and anxiety... social phobia... but he never did treatment, he has never done therapy or really attempted to fix the issues, he just uses it as excuses ...

but someone like me that is on the verge of death is denied... because i make myself stand up, bleeding, wobbling, barely able to walk and weak from malnutrtion.. and they wont help me...

i have been diagnosed with adhd... severe mdd recurrent... ptsd... somatization disorder... panic disorder... gad... social phobia... avpd... blablablabla... some other things i cant think of at the moment even...

whats the point...

what if they deny me again... i would have to start the whole process over all again and go through another lengthy waiting session... i dont think i can do it... i cant do it anymore... im so tired...

i just want help... god thats all i want... i know i will have these problems my whole life but i just want help to live with it... maybe even help to make a life, fulfilling, for myself one day...

it just seems so backwards...
i feel like i am the person this system they devised is supposed to help...
but i feel like they are only helping people that take advantage and abuse the system...
i need help... please... just save my life...
give this to me so i can get treatment... i dont even want the money... i just want help... i have lived like this for too long... im falling apart and everyone around me is starting to realize how sick i am because i cant hold it together anymore... need to crawl into hole in the wall...

i refuse to go back to that community clinic where the pdoc was aggressively treating me for bipolar and not listening to anything i say.... i cant go back to him... i cant do it.......

i dunno what to do... im just scared and alone and its terrifying because all i want is peace... but im afraid the only way i'll have any peace is when the lights go out for ever...

sorry, im just scared about this... feel like my judgement day...
will i get help? will they kick me to the curb? will they just give me a coffin and tell me to off myself?

i just dont understand this world... im at the end of my roads... all of the roads...

everytime i write it sounds so bad...

soul---do you have a lawyer...do not give up....never give up...keep fighting..

yeah i have a lawyer now.. i should have had a lawyer in the beginning but i figured the medical record would speak for themselves but apparently not...
i tell myself the lawyer wouldnt be working the case if she didnt think we could win...
they've been handling the case for about a year ½ trying to get a court hearing.. so i guess they think we will win... i need it... just been trying to be patient for so long...
the ilnness has just been getting worse... the depression has been the worse it has ever been ... i think its been 5-7 months so far for this "episode"...
my time perception is just off a bit... think i have been dissociating since i was a kid... i just cant tell if i am or when i am or whatever... i think its like a constant state for me most of the time... i've lived with it for so long its the only thing i know...
they never diagnosed me with any kind of disociation though that i know of... but i have never been able to get far into describing whats going on with me either because havnt really had a doctor that wanted to explore or try to help me figure out whats really going on... just had couple GPs rx antidepressants and 1 pdoc prescribe a bunch of antipsychotics and moodstabilizers and stuff...

i know the first time i felt it, i know it had to be dissociation though...(or derealization...?) it was before i was taken away to foster care... it was nothing bad going on, i was even playing hide and seek with my brothers and cousin... and i had just finished counting and was like ready or notttt heeere i come!! and i turned around and started walking to go around the house to look for them and i just felt suo weird... i felt like all at once everything was different... i had strange thoughts pop into my head thinking about if what i saw was real, if everybody else could see what i could see, or if everyone else was just in my mind and they couldn't see anything because they werent real.. it lasted what felt like minutes... but i dunno what happened after that its just blank... thats the first time and only time i felt like i could feel it... ever since then its just been a ... part of me i think... i dunno... sometimes its hard to love yourself, isnt it... how can you love something that is so miserable and sick.... i hate this stuff... just want a glimmer of light, slither of hope, something to say that maybe just maybe i can have a life... i want a life, i dont want this.... god i hate ideations....

soul you better get it...also go to your representative...don't give up to the system...the system is sicker than you and me

i talked to my lawyer yesterday afternoon... (almost 1am now..)
she was so kind and understanding, sweet and patient, i think i fell in love

she is just worried about my alcohol and drug past... and the judge dismissing it because thinking it causing or making worse my problems...

i've only self medicated though... with alcohol and marijuana...
my last pdoc probably wrote all kinds of shite about it though... god i so dont like him...

during my treatment at that clinic though i cut back so much on the alcohol, i cut back on the marijuana too but he wanted me to just stop completely and wouldnt listen to any of my concerns , misdiagnosing me bipolar, putting me on all these drugs, and they not helping in good ways... and he pushing me and pushing me to stop doing the one thing that helps...

now i barely smoke marijuana... i haven't been smoking very much since like around middle of last year... i had to move and dont have access so how can i...? i might smoke once a month...
i know that the self medicating wasn't making anything worse... it was just my way of trying to cope with severe distress...
but they always try to make it look bad...

im so scared im going to black out or start crying in the middle of the hearing...
what if that happens...? what are they going to do to me...?
if i just start sobbing... im crying now just thinking about it...
i have lots of trauma so im ... you know... really fragile... and they are looking at me at my most vulnerable angles... i dont let anybody look at me like that, no one knows about these things, but these few people are going to see me at my worse

what do i do if i start crying...? what do i do if i cant speak...? im so scared...
can i ask the lawyer to help me...? i know i have to talk to the judge.. but what if i cant... its so hard to think when im like this... i dont want to fudge up and say the wrong thing... dissociate and say something random and irrellavant or annoy the judge or cause any kind of hiccups... i just wanna go in and say please help me

in my last assessment in january the psychologist wrote in the report that my symptoms are severe, debilitating severe, so severe i cant function daily activites....

i have just a week or so to try to prepare mentally... i just know im gonna fudge up...
its so scary!!!

i am not on anything but wellbutrin and thats not doing much at all and nothing for my anxiety... maybe if i pass out they will just let me have it and take me to the hospital...

what am i supposed to do..?

If you start to cry, you use a tissue. Take a few with you just in case - you may not even need them.

In the day or two leading up the hearing, do whatever you can to treat yourself well and put yourself in the best mindset as possible . . . sit in the sunlight, try to get some decent sleep, watch some ridiculously funny YouTube videos.

You very likely will NOT fudge things up . . . you have an attorney who knows the ins and outs of SSDI hearings and claims. It's a process with its own idiosyncrasies, so let her take the lead.

If you become distraught, take a moment to compose youreself. Breathe. If it's appropriate, apologize for your lack of composure but explain how desparate you are to get better and how much you need the Court's assistance and how appreciative you are for the Court's time.

Did you have an opportunity to discuss your concerns with your attorney?

They alway deny deny deny. The only shot you have is with an administrative law judge at an appeal hearing with a lawyer and with ALL the medical records. I won last May and the judge was very fair and I had a chance to tell my story and for my lawyer to ask me questions. The judge also asked me questions. Make sure you and the lawyer are well prepared. I had twenty years of medical records but the most recent 6 years were the most important. I also had my p-doc on my side.

You have to fit in one of the governments little boxes and that is where the lawyer comes in. They only get paid if you win.

Do you have any kind of employment at all (off the books)?

Do your parents give you money?

yes i am going to see an ALJ... on april 4th..
i filed back in 2012 or 2013... so its been a long wait...

i was looking up what the ALJ uses to qualify as mental disability...
to me it appears that i qualify for the Depression... qualify for the PTSD... qualify for the anxiety... social phobia... just feel like having all of these things in such severe case makes me feel like i dont see how or why she would deny me... but im just afraid and nervous... partly because i have to go to the city... i have to see people i dont know and try to talk about something extremely difficult... the psychologist said that i have avpd traits but didnt diagnose me with avpd... he has it in his notes that i am severely handicapped right now and cant function - all of that... i only have medical records starting in 2011(2012)-present day... because i didnt seek treatment until then and self medicated since i was 13 years old... i now dont self medicate and im afraid they will try to say that the drugs or alcohol are cause of it but i rarely drink or smoke marijuana anymore... maybe a few beers a month and i might smoke once a month if it comes to me but i dont really have access to that anymore...
i dont want to self medicate, i just want to get professional help so i can move forward and get well...
scared they will say that i was not self medicating and that i was just abusing ...
i get so nervous that i slip up and stutter and lose my train of thought and ...

but of course im no lawyer or ALJ so who knows... its really severe and i can't function at all on a day to day basis... i struggle to take care of myself (feeding and bathing) i cant leave the house or go to public... shopping... i have severe social interaction difficulties...

i talked to my lawyer on the phone for about 50 minutes, she went over some questions with me that the judge might (probably) ask ... like why i think i cant work... about my drug use... asked about my disabilities... explain a little about the anxiety and depression... she told me that i have to be direct and i can't be generalized and beat around the bush or anything like that because the judge i have is a justice or something and she's stern and strict but nice and kind as long as i dont annoy her...
that makes me really nervous because when i get anxious it gets increasingly harder for me to be so direct ... but im going to try to keep it short answers as direct as possible and avoid using "maybe, sometimes, i think " ect kinda of statements... but i generalize alot when i talk so its going to be hard...

i honestly cant really remember everything we talked about... i tried so hard to focus and pay attention so i can record it into my hard memory but i just disconnect so much... i hate my brain...

what i did was wrote "limitations" on a piece of paper and spent all night last night writing down a brief summary of what is going on - like how i can't drive because of fear of collisions/accident, have trouble riding in cars... about the depression and how it effects me... causing long episodes of depression lasting for years... and that my current severe depression came back after i stopped medicine last year... although the depression never completely got better.. unable to make myself bathe and eat and stuff... i didnt eat for atleast 5 days in a row in feburary... lost 5 lbs.. no motivation for anything even recreational activities... very low energy and unable to get out of bed sometimes.. suicidal ideation and self harm... very poor mood hopeless desperate scared...
the generalized anxiety, social phobia, panic attacks, avpd stuff how it interrupts my social interactions and makes it near impossible to go out... how i dont have any friends and rarely talk to anyone - only a few close family... never leave the house unless its to dr appointment or close family..

the PTSD ... dissociation, memory blocks, my whole life is blank... 26 years of nothing... besides the few stupid bloody trauma things in my mind that keep reminding me how messed up i am...
triggered by loud noises, being controlled, disputes, specific sounds, flashbacks of some traumas (i cant remember everything..) recurring nightmares, disturbing memories..(my memories mostly consist of pictures.. 1 picture most of the time... cant really see in my mind anything happening.. just a picture...)
im jumpy and startle easy... fear of water, heights, intamacy and have insomnia...
i know there is more to the ptsd but i really have never had any treatment help with it so i dont know you know...

i even put the adhd on the paper.. distracted easily, forgetful, absentminded, daydreams, when reading i randomly trail off on a completely irrelevant thought having to keep re-reading what i just read to try to get it in my head... the weird thing about this is when im off in wonderland thinking about whatever popped in my head i keep reading but im not thinking about it im thinking about whats in my mind so i have to go back and find my place where ever i got distracted at...
it happens when im trying to communicate verbally too...

i put a side note about the somatization... just that my anxiety and depression being so severe causes manifestations of physical symptoms... like GERD... headache... body tension... pains... maybe nauseas and dizzys... (when riding in a car my head starts to spin so bad... its not like being car sick though...)
i dont know if this was somatization but i put it down too... a few times when i guess my mind couldnt handle reality anymore i have lost my vision... lost the ability to speak and walk/move... i was still conscious though and aware of what people were saying around me... i just couldn't do anything... the last time it happen i was able to say im ok .. i cant see... i cant see... im ok.... because my family was panicking... my brother carried me downstairs outside so i could get air and mom got a klonopin for me and i just had to take 5-10 minutes to get back to myself... (i was suprisingly calm during these episodes though... i just figured i disconnected... or dissociated or something...)

i tried to keep all of that brief and to the point ... its just 1 front page of paper...
i thought maybe the lawyer can read it and help me... maybe the judge will read it too..? that way maybe i dont have to try to explain too much...? but i dont know because i feel like the judge is going to want me to verbalize everything for the court recorder thing...
will these brief notes help anything...?

i am in severe distress and really need treatment bad... i dont want to live like this anymore you know? i cant live like this anymore... i just want to get well and have a life... a future.... a place in the world... but its impossible for me to invision any of that currently... i dont want to die, i just dont wanna live like this...
i just want help

i hope that thing doesnt happen where i lose my vision and ability to stand/move and talk... it hasn't happened in a while... maybe a year...

but i try not to put myself in distressing situations because i dont want to experience any of those things... i just stay in my room and away from triggers and any kind of provoking situations...
just going to the city and being in public and talking about these things and... its so much stimulation...

im thinking about trying to ask my aunt for one of her klonopin... she has given me one before if she had enough...
would this hurt my case...? if they ask about it would it be bad to tell them that my aunt gave me an anxiety medicine to help me...? since its illegal to take someone elses/give them to others...?

sorry about these lengthy posts... i've never been so nervous/afraid before... about something that i WANT and NEEED to do...

will the judge ask me about the traumas in detail...?
will she ask me about self harm or want to see my scars...?
i know im working myself up more than i should but i really cant help it and im really trying hard to be calm and collected... just afraid that something is going to go wrong ... i honestly have no options left... if this falls through... i just cant live with this...

thank you for reading my lengthy nonsense... and offering advice... i appreciate it...

time to see the judge... @ 9:15am
im completely out of it - cant think so well...
feel like its just a dream, i think im completely detached from reality right now...
dont really feel anything... i should be really anxious but i just feel empty...
i hope they understand that i might be totally dissociated with everything right now..
i feel so weird

hey soul...sounds like you are afraid...who wouldn't be...just let yourself be...just be you...you don't have to fake it do you....being afraid is ok...in fact it may work in your favor...if you cant talk just tell the judge that..YOU ARE FEELING AFRAID...that is what you are feeling ...that is called human being..

Good luck

it seemed to go well... i felt like i was going to pass out in the waiting room a few times but i didnt...
the lawyer said my testimony was good..
the vocational guy said i could work as a packager or a clothes sorter but then the lawyer asked a question about missing days every month if i could hold the job down and he said no.. so i guess it concluded that there wasn't a job that i could do..?

the judge was ok...

i dont really remember too much about what happened or what was said... im still in a dream trance... i just hope that i said the right things because my mind tries so hard to appear normal and when i cant remember what i said it makes me scared that i might relay things in a manner that would suggest that im not sick...

i hate being so disconnected from the world... i remember telling the judge about why i stopped seeing the last pdoc (he wrote about marijuana dependence and that i was non-compliant) but the only reason i was non compliant was because the jerk kept telling me i was bipolar and not listening to my concerns... so the lawyer said it looks like i fired the whole clinic and went to a psychologist for second opinion and now just trying to find a pdoc i can get treatment from... but the few that might accept the insurance i have either wont allow me to use the clinic because of residency issue or that its too long of a drive... and i cant afford that... cant afford anything really...

i wish i could remember what happened in the room... i just remember saying a few words and alot of the stuff they were saying sounded like a different language to me...
was not able to pay attention very well... or take in much information to process my words/actions properly... i just kept looking at the table and the floor.. the ceiling and back to the judge and down to the table blablabla...

if they deny me again i dunno what to do
i can't live like this for much longer... i dont even feel alive...
this is just a bad dream... and i have no control over it...
i want to be real... i want to have a life and get better so i can function at my potential... but im stuck in some other world... in hell i guess...

stupid brain...

i'm sorry that you are having such a tough day! I hope that you get the determination that you need and that the hearing goes your way. take care of yourself.