[Onward2wards]

In my experience, depression is:

NOT just having a head full of negative thoughts, but equally an absence of positive thoughts.
NOT just "depressive realism", but firmly believing you can't change anything for the better (lack of a sense of agency).
NOT just experiencing negative events, but acting passively resigned to them.

I've noticed that lack of faith in myself (low agency) and acting passively resigned are major reasons why I get depressed in the first place, that these are in fact chronic problems, and that meds do little to nothing to alter this. I've just realized that NO med has ever caused significant improvements in proactive behavior for me (maybe small and only temporary improvements at best). All that meds do is either "chill me out and cheer me up" to a degree, or else make me feel zombified, and then they just poop out very quickly. That's not what I need.

The ONE thing that busts a depressed mood for me is when there is an objective change - a negative stressor is removed, and/or something positive happens. I believe I have frequent reactive depression. I've never ever just woken up in a rotten mood that persists, with no clear cause for it.The problem is, I don't seem to very often get off my rear and make positive changes happen. Eventually the consequences of this start to get to me ... then boom!, situational depressive episode sooner or later. (I can agree, when it gets entrenched it gets "clinical" in intensity - takes a bit more than usual to perk my interest and get me motivated, and I get easily overwhelmed by things that normally bug me but not THAT much).

I used to be so much more optimistic and self starting, years ago. I want the old me back, but even that person had issues with performance anxiety and hesitation that held me back. Still, it'd be an improvement over the empty headed, numbed out, inert lump I am fast becoming.

I know full well that having a very dull, night shift job that leaves very few days off to yourself is causing me to get a lot worse. I NEED to get out of there, asap. The problem is, I am also a discouraged job seeker so I've been feeling stuck between the unacceptable and the impossible, and getting nothing done. This will not end well unless I can shake myself out of it.

[Rohag]

You have an excellent sense of your experience of depression.

Originally Posted by Onward2wards

night shift job

Significant. Living out of phase with light and most of the rest of the world creates opportunities for depression to strike deep roots.

Is there any person or organization where you live who could give you practical help in getting to a better place?

[Onward2wards]

I will start working hard on making changes beginning this weekend. It is silly of me to just let stress get so absurdly bad, so I need to become proactive.

I do want to add the people where I work are great. I'd invite any of them to a barbecue anytime. It's just the job itself - not for me at all.