[Depressed Teenager]

I am a fifteen year old male and I believe that I either have Major Depressive Disorder or Bipolar II Disorder but I am afraid to ask for help. I think that knowing the specific mental illness that I have will make it easier to "come out" because I will not likely have my parents consistently denying what I have and I will not have to ask for help twice. I know that this is taboo, but I think that this needs to be specified to get an accurate diagnosis (though this diagnosis should be "taken with a grain of salt" because I have not seen you in person). I also believe that I have a few other mental illnesses such as Schizoid Personality Disorder, some sort of anger disorder, and possibly Borderline Personality Disorder, and Delayed Sleep Cycle Disorder, but I do not want a diagnosis for those now. I would appreciate a diagnosis, but that is not why I am here. Anyways, I find that the only three outlets to my depression are masturbating once, twice, sometimes three times daily to things that I would not consider filthy but I am too embarrassed to talk about nonetheless, researching mental disorders and personality types (I ironically do this often), and gaming, sometimes for hours at a time. I am an extreme opportunistic night owl, going to bed sometimes at 4:00-5:00 a.m. when I can, although I do adjust somewhat and sleep at around 12:00 a.m. on school nights and around 2:00 a.m. on most weekends. I love the night because it is quiet and it is the only time that I can be secluded without my parents questioning why. I am in Advanced Placement classes in school and make mostly As with an occasional B but rarely find my classes interesting. I am not sure whether or not I want to go to college but I am afraid to tell my parents that. College seems too intimidating for me because of the difficulty of the classes, the fact that I seem to be hating so many things that I cannot find a career that I will enjoy despite an extreme amount of time contemplating the options, and the fact that with the few things that I enjoy the most, I will likely have to go to college for ten years to get a degree for. I have been contemplating suicide for a while now (about three months) but I doubt that I will actually follow through with this because I am afraid of death. I believe that I have been depressed for about a year now. If I had to trace it back to something, which I doubt is accurate, I would trace it back to when I adnitted to my parents that I was an atheist. I sometimes spend hours crying and refusing to do activities, but my parents only know the latter. I believe that my mother thinks that I am a lazy, boring, confusing individial, and I doubt that my father cares what I am as long as I "succeed". When I want to be secluded, I will cut my parents and my "friends" short of their conversations. I used quotation marks over 'friends' because I have thought intensely on how to get away from them permanently but I am too shy to do this. I will become bitter around them, and when this happens, I have to hold in my anger to stop myself from exploding on them violently. This will sound sociopathic or psychopathic, but I assure you that I am not either: I have fantisized about hurting the people around me to simply get one of my only wishes: isolation. I am somewhat confused about my sexuality as I desire sex with the opposite gender (with both parties as adults, do not worry) but I am afraid to engage in a meaningful relationship or even show my sexual side with anybody. If you have any answers or advice for me, I am open to it, no matter how harsh it is, as long as it is not biased. Thank you for taking the time to read this story. It was partly venting, but as I just said, I need mental help.

[Fizzyo]

Hi and welcome to PC.

You certainly have a lot on your mind! Sorry to hear you're struggling.

I am a great believer that self diagnosis is usually unhelpful as we can often misinterpret symptoms as we are too close to our own problems.

My suggestion is that you see a doctor or school counsellor if that is available and they may be able to guide you to the support you need.

The diagnosis is not necessarily the most important aspect of someone's issues as we are more complex than labels imply, but I do agree that having a diagnosis can help other people take your issues more seriously or give easier access to therapy.

I wish you the best of luck as you try to find a way forward.

[dexter]

I agree with Fizzyo. See if you can find a trusted counsellor or doctor that can lead you to some help. Help is available. I agree the specific diagnosis isn't that important but a diagnosis from a doctor may give you some peace and help chart out a plan of action toward a better life, and an "official" diagnosis from a doctor may carry more weight with your parents.

No matter how your parents react know that there are understanding people, many who are or were in similar situation, here and I hope you find the community here helpful.