[connect.the.stars]

I don't know which came first...being depressed or wanting to be depressed? Maybe I willfully wanted to be depressed? Or maybe it's something I've become so familiar with now -- that feeling where I don't want to be expected to do amazing things if I'm suddenly not depressed anymore.

I'm confused.

[cryingontheinside]

I don't think you wanted to be depressed. Maybe you've just lost hope. I am depressed and I certainly don't want it! I can barely look after myself yet I am a parent . I can look after my children with support of my family but I lack in caring for myself. I barely get by. I truely think you did not want this. Nobody wants this ! What kind of existence is this ??

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[newday2020]

Look up WHYWESUFFER.com if you want to understand more about unconscious stuff. His website has alot of free info. I think he is on to something.
I bought the book Inner Passivity and it makes sense to me.
Awareness is good.
Take care.

[Frankbtl]

Hi connect.the.stars

Just for now let's go with you not wanting to be depressed, hey??
Maybe this: " -- that feeling where I don't want to be expected to do amazing things if I'm suddenly not depressed anymore" is part of the depression e.g. apathy, lack of interest in things, lack of motivation.............
Maybe feeling pressured into too higher expectations is actually adding to the depression.........afterall particularly if you're depressed "being expected to do amazing things" can seem impossible...........and having people not value you for who you are, without those expectations...........
And thinking that you want to be.........well depression can lead to unjustified self blame, believing it's your "fault"............
So my suggestion would be..........sure if you can gradually find things to help with the depression, absolutely go for it (!!) e.g. seeking support..........but also fight those expectations, whether they're coming from others or yourself. I'm not saying doing amazing things can't come, but perhaps in your own time, at your own pace.
And not only that, "amazing things" can be sometimes be completely subjective anyway e.g. an amazing thing you might be able to do is offer someone who really needs it on here empathy and understanding.........
Just some thoughts.................



Alison

[qwerty68]

I think after being depressed for a period of time it starts to became part of a person. It certainly is that way for me and I think I would struggle for a while if my depression went away.

Last summer I ran out of remeron for two days and at first it gave me hypomania. It felt so foreign to me to have energy, my motivation skyrocketed and was able to accomplish so much so quickly. Surprisingly, I really didn't like it. It felt like I became a totally different person and I had a hole inside that I could feel. That missing thing that made me feel odd was the absence of depression. I don't want to be depressed it has just been my normal state for 21 or so years.

I doubt you could become depressed simply because you want to. You could make yourself feel sad or any other emotion but that is not depression.

[connect.the.stars]

@qwerty68
Yes, you captured what I was trying to say very well. I feel like my depression has been a part of me for so long that I feel uncomfortable breaking free from it. I'm just not used to anything besides thinking and being depressed. I don't feel like I'm being true to myself when I'm not my usual antisocial introverted self.

Also, thanks to everyone for clearing some of my confusion your responses have offered me great insight and I appreciate the time you spent to draft me a reply <3

[elevatedsoul]

whether you wanted to be depressed or not, you are now
but i believe it takes a little more to have depression than just thinking sick puppies over and over if that makes sense..

i have read somewhere that we are afraid of not being depressed because the fear of the unknown, not knowing how we will feel without the depression, so its easier to stay with something familiar that we know how it feels rather than take a chance?

brains are silly...