Am I just a fraud?

I'm diagnosed with severe depression and on medication for it. It helps very well, but I still get episodes at least once or twice a month, lasting anywhere from a few days to a good week or so. But see my brain doesn't have a lot of emotional permanence. It's actually REALLY HARD for me to recall when my last episode even WAS, and the sentence preceding this was more of an estimate than a hard fact. And so when I'm feeling better, like I am now, I think back and I wonder....

Was it even that bad?? What am I even on medication for?

I've expressed this to my T, who advised me to write down how I'm feeling during an episode so I can have concrete evidence that my feelings are real, but all that does is leave a paper trail of me being whiny. When I look back on this during lighter days I just end up feeling silly. I think, "Man I really couldn't handle life during that day." and the creeping suspicion has come upon me that I'm just in some way over sensitive to life???? And I'm not really depressed I'm just unable to handle things and lazy and don't want to face reality and like attention from people, and so sometimes I act out and then go back to being "presentable".

I don't know.

I don't think you are a fraud. Someone put you on meds for depression and they are professionals so they wouldn't give it to you if you didn't need it. Stop feeling silly for what you write you really felt that way when you wrote it. As far as being whiny I don't believe that either. I think a lot of us feel that way when we read our readings. Have you showed it to your T yet? It's good to write it shows you a lot. Don't be so hard on yourself. OK!

Hey sunbeem, thanks for the response. Maybe I should try to print out and show my T what I write on my bad days... Although I'll probably be too embarrassed. I have so many inner doubts about myself wow ha....

Thank you for the supportive words though, they mean a lot. <3

I feel the same way sometimes. The problem with depression is that the doctors can't measure it objectively like blood pressure or a bone break. Maybe when I feel depressed, I actually feel better than somebody else who claims to feel fine. I started writing down how I feel at different times this past week. When I reviewed it with my therapist, I was surprised at how moody I seem to be. I forget these things when I don't write them down. You might try keeping a diary or log.

My sense of self isn't that collected that I accept myself in a different type of mood than I am in currently. My current self always ridicules my past selves and their stupid thoughts and emotions. Also I even have a hard time remembering how something felt. So with a poor emotional memory, I never see past emotions as valid.

I can't see much wrong with this though. Why would I want to dwell on something that was in the past?

I used to wonder the same thing. Why am I on medication for depression/anxiety when things aren't so bad. So I stopped taking the medication and have found out the hard way that I really do need the medication.

I've never stopped taking my meds, but I have had this overwhelming guilt about having Bipolar and GAD. I feel like why do I feel like I can't get out of bed sometimes when people on the other side of the globe don't have clean water. What do I have to feel bad about. I talked to my therapist and she explained that what I have is a verified medical condition no different than say a broken bone. The difference is you can see a broken bone in an x-ray, but neurological disorders aren't seen so easily. It helps to think about that. I still get racked with guilt and feel like a fraud sometimes, but I just tell myself this is a condition and as long as I'm doing everything within my power to treat it I have nothing to feel guilty about.

I have a similar feeling, I'm so good on my meds I'm not really sure if I would be depressed again if I stopped taking them, but I concede I maybe would.

I'm not sure what is 'me' and what is the meds. Really hope I can still feel like this when the time comes to taper off.

I feel that way today, I stayed home from work feeling depressed this morning, now the guilt is starting I hate this

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I honestly wonder if that isn't part of the illness. I mean the self doubt. I am off meds right now thanks to my insurance co. Some days are better than others. But the point I'm trying to make is that I think many of us feel guilty for needing meds when others don't, being depressed when so many others have it much worse ( in our warped view of self), and many other ways we compare ourselves to others and come up short every time. I hope my answer makes some sense. Like I said some days are better than others.

i just wanted to touch back into this thread and let everyone know I read their responses. I don't have the energy to respond to each individually, but they're so appreciated. It really helps to know that other people feel the same way sometimes..

I have these episodes, too. I've gone off my meds before and tried life without them but it was very difficult and emotional so this is how I know I need to be on meds. When I'm in my funk, I always feel like it's the worst one and I'll never escape it. I find myself wanting to do hasty, impulsive things like running away and leaving my family. Fortunately, the lack of energy makes me too exhausted to follow through with it. Once I come out of it, I begin to ridicule myself for being so hyperbolic. But I think this is the nature of the disease. It's not a good representation of reality.