[DayAtATime1]

Been over a year since I joined this site. Not sure why I didn't post some messages - then again, depression kills my motivation to do anything.

I did attempt suicide in 2014, and also last year. Fortunately I am not at that level of depression right now. The easiest way to describe how I feel is "that I don't want to live and don't want to die". I'm like a zombie. I have no social interaction other than with my wife and when I have to do something (e.g. haircut today). I was bullied as a kid and had an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive father. So I have a hard time trusting other men... I guess that's why I feel so anxious in social situations.

I see a therapist once a week, attend group once a week, and have been on 4 meds for years (Remeron, Wellbutrin, Latuda and Prozac). I see my psychiatrist once a month, basically to get my prescriptions refilled. I've been going to him for almost 3 years. I finally decided to drop him and, based on advice of another person in group, decided to switch. I go see the new doc next week. He offers "genetic" testing that supposedly assists in determining what meds my work best. At least it sounds far more scientific that the typical trial and error approach.

I work out of the house (IT), but have very little work to keep me distracted. So I know I am setting myself up for a good case of the isolation blues. Other than family and a few of my wife's friends, I have no true friends (that I could share how I feel with)

I no longer have any interests (used to play raquetball, did woodworking, ride bicycle, garden etc.). It's been 3 years that I've been in this depressed mood, and I know that bad habits have formed that might be hard to break even if the depression lifted (staying in bed, watching TV).

Interestingly, about 3 weeks ago I had a depression-free day. My mind did not churn out the usual depressed thoughts at all that day. It was like I was just about healed. Wish I knew if there was a specific reason for the elevated mood, and if I could reproduce it. BUT, having had that ONE good day does give me a little hope. It confirms that I really do have depression and that I'm not just being lazy...

Sorry for such a long post! Just needed to get some of my thoughts down on e-paper

[hurting2much]

I having been dealing with depression , well diagnosed in 1995. I was ok off and on and off on thougout the past years but my depressions has increased and i can't handle the pain.

[DayAtATime1]

Hurting2Much - I know your pain! Somehow I moved from suicidal ideations/attempts to this place of limbo where I don't want to live, or die. It really sucks. It's hard to have any real hope when I feel like this - but I'm hoping a new pdoc and new meds will help. S***, can't really get much worse...

Do you isolate yourself too, or are you lucky enough to have friend(s) to talk to?

Hang in there!

[DayAtATime1]

I wonder why this forum showed 4 replies when only one exists?

It shows 3 replies on my end, which is accurate. 2 from you and 1 from another poster. (Hurting2much). Sending you hugs. I'm afraid to say the wrong thing here, but just want you to know I hear you. (((Hugs)))

[basicgoodness]

I can relate to your situation. I work from home, too, and often there is little to do. I am losing my mind from the isolation and idleness. I have a few friends that I don't see very often and have become a member of a meditation center, which is my only link to the outside world, other than individual and group therapy. My life is hell at the moment.

BTW: the thread counts your later entries as replies.

[seesaw]

I don't work from home but I often don't care if I live or die. I feel motivated to work, at least, because it makes me feel productive and I like that feeling...but otherwise...yeah...I could be dead and not really care.

Depression is a *****.

Seesaw

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

[Cavegirl]

I feel your pain...I am sorry. I have been in your situation with the "attempts". I am in that same dark and meaningless place as well. Thank you so much for sharing. I've been bouncing around psych central for the last couple of days, completely new to the site, psych forums, and sharing in this way...I am feeling a little less scared right in this instance.
My husband asked what it is that he could do for me two days ago. My symptoms are debilitating...the tears and sorrow unbearable. I looked at him, just answered "I don't know..I just want to die". I wouldn't wish my mental illness on my own worst enemy.
I'm so, so, sorry that you are not feeling well. I like how you mentioned that "one day". I'm hoping for you that there will be another, and another, and another.
What remedies your ailments? have you discovered any coping mechanisms??