I miss my friend and I pushed him away

I have spirled into a particulary hard depression because I pushed away a friend and it kills me almost as if he has died which is quite intense and hard to understand how my feelings could be so intense. They were just laying underneath not really going anywhere and was hard to know what my true feelings were because how I felt about me arguing with him over the most stupidist issue ever. Now realizing just how much it would kill me to lose him over this. I had hated him but now I felt sad and just want him close. I did this to myself I always do this to myself I always find out one tiny excuse to push myself away from people by saying they don't really care about me. That I didn't even realize I neglected his signals, his signs showing he cared. I had put that he was just an arrogant asshole who just wanted to get in my way but he honestly didn't have to try and guide me. He didn't need to find me after highschool. He didn't need to try time and time again to get through to me. I was stubborn and so coldhearted in how I neglected how he must feel being shut down, yelled at by me. I said he was cold because he wanted to give me advice a little to arrogantly and here I am because of my pride. I said he was arrogant but how about how arrogant I was being acting like **** you your helping me I will do my own thing just because I don't want to take your advice because you don't know everything. Now look at me venting on a psychological forum. Look at how lonely I am how I spend my days alone blaming everyone but myself when wasn't this what I wanted? To spent my days alone because I was to proud to take someones loving advice and shat all over him. He did one thing but what about the contunial things I do to him he is not a ****ing robot he is a human and if I was being treated like that I would distance myself because I wasn't being appreciated.

Is there any way of letting him know some of this and how sorry you are and that you want to try and repair the friendship?

I just pushed him away because I was distressed and afraid he was just going to leave me... So I pushed him away before he did. Now, I am feeling so overwhelmed. Yes, there is I could get a friend to pass him a message.

if he good friend...
little note...
please tell him... these things hapenn..
we dont mean everyting we do...
go to him before it too late...
dont need to rely on him for like emotional support...
just you know.. be friends like friends are supposed to be...
some times we get mad but we can weork it out...