[jman197]

I think life is truly over for me, over in the sence that I will never have an actual life, just this burning pain that I deal with. So I am ready for my pain to take over, for my transformation to be complete and to be the evil thing that my mind and my hell wants me to be. The truly good me is dead, the pain and the darkness killed him. So why do I try to get better. I never saw myself here all those years ago when I made the choice that led me here. I always saw myself being the thing that I would have liked to be. A person of integrity. I figured I could do it once. But I didn't take into account everything about me. I guess that's my fault but I digress. The truth is I am ready to give up on fixing things. I am just a foolish mistake for thinking I could, because I am a monster. I am ready to give up period.

[Yoda]

I am not familiar with your story but I did see that your family does not understand you and they do not support you. That isn't your fault, it is theirs. My family is similar, some of them tell me to pull myself together and go back to work whereas others say I am too f***ed up to ever be able to work again.

I don't have any close friends but sometimes I find support here at PC. Sometimes not even here so I too am frustrated and lonely.

I hold onto the belief that it can get better but I have trouble taking the steps to get there.

I don't have answers but I am here to listen.

[DayAtATime1]

Yes, this forum is excellent! Jman and Yoda take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Wish I had some easy answers for all of us !

[Clara22]

Hi Jman
Hope you do not give up this time. Hope this place can comfort you a bit.
I am sending you a big hug

[Fuzzybear]

Jman, I hear this from you over and over. But if you truly felt this way you would not say this, you would just go into the darkness. You are crying for help loudly. You have depression that no amount of words in here are going to fix. You need help of the medical nature. You need a therapist who is going to treat you aggressively. You need to find that help and advocate for yourself, and most importantly, follow through on the prescribed plan. Until then all we can do is offer words of support and tell you we offer empathy. It is up to you to do something, otherwise you are just wallowing. I know that sounds harsh, but if that is what you want, then put your pain in poetry or something like that where your words go into something beyond the cry for help. Do know I care about you and support you. I think you are awesome, and whatever you did (as you refer to over and over) you have to forgive yourself and move on.

This post had the advice you need. Did you follow it? http://forums.psychcentral.com/5005247-post2.html

[DayAtATime1]

April - sometimes it is helpful to just wallow. That's why this forum is for, no? Heck knows, I do my share of wallowing too. Something therapeutic in wallowing. Doesn't even matter if others respond, just the fact of writing it out is helpful to me...

I worry if he wallows too deep he won't come out

[Clapper]

Not familliar with your story, and I am not in the position of offering you advice.. But i am familliar with the feeling of darkness closing in about you, feeling hopless and the pain dropping like poison from your heart.All you can do is endure and suffer, surviving from one day to another. There is no knowing if you will be able to see the sun shining again, and it drains your very sipirit. There are little to no things that comfort you, you feel like a worse person and you never wish for joy again because you do not think you deserve it. I know those feelings. I have them too, sometimes.

And yet, there are days when i see the bright light outside, and it gives me strength for a few days. And then i remember.. I remember every mistake, everything.. And then the cycle continues.

You probably wish for everything to end, and i don t blame you. But remember you will always find help. Here or anywhere else. You need only ask.

[dexter]

JMan that better part of you is not dead. You are in an epic battle between the light and the dark and the dark tries to tell you you are evil and that you deserve to die and that you can't be good again. I believe that truly evil people do not recognize the difference and therefore are incapable of thinking that they are evil. The fact that you are questioning this leads me to the conclusion that you still have a good part intact and fighting to find itself. It is worth fighting for.

I do not have a non-supportive non-understanding family. Instead I have no one around at all. I am finding my struggle with depression and with my dark side trying to pull me down toward suicide nearly impossible to navigate with absolutely no physical support system in place other than strangers on hot lines and support groups.

I am hanging in trying to find that light and I hope that you can do so too. Right now it may take a leap of faith to believe that that light side is there and is not dead but I hope you can listen to me and say it is at least worth continuing to search.

{{{{{jman197}}}}}

[Blues47]

I gave up trying to fix things twenty years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't feel anxious, broken, and alone. Many posters on this board offer hope and encouragement...all I have is empathy.

[DayAtATime1]

Dexter - I know the awful feeling of isolation too. I don't have anybody other than my wife, and she's tired of my depression. Hey, I see you are in NJ too -small world.

[DayAtATime1]

Hang in there Blues47 - I know easier said than done.

[adam_k]

" I never saw myself here all those years ago when I made the choice that led me here."

What choice led you here?