[guiltier65]

My emotions are so close to the surface today. I keep starting to cry when I think about... anything. Mother's day, my oldest grandson's birthday today, the school year almost being over.... it's just all too much today.
I found out last night that my youngest son won't be around for Mother's day because he has to go spend the day with his wife's family. I get that, but I'm still hurt. I feel like he grows more distant every day. I miss him so much that it hurts.
I feel like i'm being punished for past sins even though i am not the angry woman i once was. I feel like my family v iews me as this flawed creature that is not deserving of love/respect, but is merely to be tolerated. That really hurts me. Maybe they would be better off if I were out of their lives.... i just long to disappear and not feel like such a waste of oxygen anymore. sorry, not one of my better days. time to put my mask back on and smile....

[Frankbtl]

Hi guiltier,

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard day today
And I'm guessing you're feeling an emptiness with your son not being around for Mother's Day...........
But you know sometimes distance might mean the exact opposite of not deserving love/respect to others........maybe he feels that he has to "tick the boxes" by going to his wife's family.........whereas with you..........he may feel that you're going to love him regardless, you're not judging him badly (which you aren't) for not going to you.........and he loves you regardless without thinking he needs to prove that love to you by "having" to go to you on that day or get your love back by "having to go"..........maybe it's his wife's family he's actually "tolerating"??
I know that might not help much with the pain you might be feeling ..........but maybe if you can see the reasons for his actions a little differently??
And yes, I can imagine it must feel real "lonely" or like a rejection with the people who matter in your life being as "distant", but maybe if you could let them know a little of what you're feeling?? That may be something they hadn't realised..........but if they knew..........??
Even if that "gap" could be filled a bit in smaller ways.........like sending photo's, like some more texts, like more phone calls........sometimes smaller things can mean a lot, right??
And guiltier.......you know you don't have to wear a mask here , so if you want to talk.........



Alison

[guiltier65]

Alison,
Thanks for helping me "reframe" my view of Mother's Day. I am really being hammered right now with guilt/shame with my performance as a mom. I wanted to be so much more than I was. I was so angry at times and said and did things that i can never undo or take back. My heart hurts when i think of the mom/person i was. i can never take those moments back.

[Frankbtl]

Hi guiltier,

The fact that you're recognising all the things you don't feel you should have done as a mother, tells me that now at least you are a lot more tuned into how you feel you should be acting in a motherly way towards him. And that has to count for a lot between you!!
That has to open some doors towards deepening your relationship with him.........and he obviously wants a relationship with you as the contact is still going on
And the remorse you feel for the past...........well there is a real chance (if you have/have had a heart-to-heart with him) that might be something that helps him with any effects.........the very fact that you're acknowledging the "wrongs", that you care about him/the impact on him. That's a big thing.

But as well, remember that there were real reasons for the way you may have behaved. It's not that you just straight out didn't care, you were battling with your own demons, right??!!
And that had to have a huge impact on how you were actually able to parent at the time.
It's not that you didn't behave a certain way, it was that you couldn't behave a certain way

So now let some of those recognitions act as a tool in moving things forward, to somewhere more positive for both of you. They may have come from a "bad place" but allow them to help you move to a "better place". Give them a real purpose.

You obviously have much more "maternal" instincts now, keep on allowing them to breathe and don't let "what was" take away "what is and what could be".



Alison

[guiltier65]

I took the time last night to text my youngest son. I told him i love him and i'm proud of him. We are going out to lunch on Saturday. What else can i say, it's basically a good day.

[Frankbtl]

That is such good news guiltier!!!!
It can be sentiments like that/telling him how you feel about him, that can mean so very much to people at times, sentiments that we often don't say anywhere enough...........which may be exactly the same with him/in his lack of voicing those things to you at times..........and massive kudos to you for breaking through, for taking that step and expressing that to him
And so very pleased it's worked out so well for you, and wishing you all the very best for tomorrow!!!

Alison