[qwerty68]

Well, I finally got my official award letter from the VA. I knew what was in it because I checked online and read the official 100% MH criteria. It just ripped me up. The official letter is more or less the same:

persistent hallucinations, depressed mood, suicidal ideation, near-continuous depression affecting the ability to function independently, appropriately and effectively; flattened affect, intermittent inability to perform maintenance of minimal personal hygiene, anxiety, difficulty in establishing effective work and social relationships, persistent delusions, intermittent inability to perform activities of daily living, chronic sleep impairment, near-continuous panic affecting ability to function independently, appropriately and effectively.

Ugh! It isn't word for word the definition,it is tailored to match my specific case.

What makes it worse is that I always try to show things as good as possible since I have a fear of getting tossed back into the hospital. Even at my compensation exam. That quote is the result of a series of days where I try to appear normal. At my last pdoc appointment I made an extra effort to pass myself off as normal, plus I felt pretty good for me. He wrote stuff like: Insight: limited, mood: anxious and depressed, affect: blunted, blah blah blah. I really need to stop reading his notes.

As some people on here, who are far wiser than I, told me when I was freaking out about it last week: you are not your diagnosis.

I think on some level that is true. At the time it was written to me I believed it. But is it really? The vast majority of my thoughts are directly related to or about my MH issues. My ability to leave my house is tied to my mental state. If it has defined my life, has it not defined me?

Since my issues started in 1995, nothing good or at least usefully good has directly happened to me. The result of the above quote is something really good. Nothing good ever happens to me, not ever. I have enough obsessions as it is, now I take note of nearly every breath and think if this my last one because surely this is too good of a thing for me. Plus I feel compelled to read my award letter and have done it dozens of times, why can't I let it go and try to relax?

I know this sounds pathetic, cursing my good fortune. It is not really good fortune, it is just good to not have to donate plasma to survive, which I have been doing nearly nonstop since 2011. Good fortune would involve me being able to use my BS & MS to get and hold a freaking job.

[Clara22]

In some way, of course this letter is bad news. Because you have a serious mental health condition, otherwise you would not be given a 100 percent disability. But these symptoms described above do not happen all the time. You exist beyond them. But I would be concerned, sometimes upset, sometimes desperate about them like you. It is not a lot of fun. It is not fun at all.
On the other hand, the good news is that you are getting economical support and medical attention and also given this certificate you are entitled to services. That is very good. Without the disability certification you would have the symptoms above anyway, but without the money.
So, yes, you are right, this paper has two sides, but it is good you got it and I am happy for you because without services or money, it is much harder.
I send you a big hug

[Fuzzybear]

[Fizzyo]

I agree it's so hard to see your difficulties in black and white, these documents have to list all the negatives to prove your case, but they can't list the positives, like, maybe, the compassion you have for other people who are struggling and the courage that keeps you going somehow, anyhow, day by day.

I have had similar feelings when my Pdoc wrote how bad things are with me, but I was awarded early retirement with my occupational pension.

I feel for you a lot and I admire the way you try to stay positive and keep going.
Hugs and caring wishes.

[qwerty68]

Thanks for the kind words.

I always thought that not having to struggle just to eat would somehow make my MH problems better. They have not. It was a silly fantasy I was hanging onto during the claim process that hurt when reality hit.

My newest thing is anxiety about having a heart attack. I have been having a heart attack for three days now. Of course it isn't a real one. I don't know what it it is. Some kind people in the anxiety forum suggested it was OCD + anxiety. Maybe that is it but I have never gotten an OCD diagnosis, but occasionally have issues that could be labeled compulsive or obsessive. I don't have another appointment for 3 months, but I will try to remember to bring this stuff up.

It was triggered by reading that an ex-drummer of Megadeth died Saturday of a heart attack. I liked him, thought he was their best drummer, but didn't know him. Since then, nothing but anxiety attacks, of course they always come with chest pain but that just feeds my belief that I am having a heart attack.

I don't know how I keep going. Sometimes I feel like a punch drunk boxer who refuses to stay down but doesn't know why. I have quite a few medical and MH issues and not a single one of them have a reason why. That is maddening. Why am I epileptic? Why do I get headaches every day? Why do I have neuromas in my feet? Why do I have all these MH issues? No one can say. I was told by a neurologist that it is actually a good thing that there is no known cause for my epilepsy or headaches, but not knowing doesn't help things.

This forum really helps. Reading stuff from people much wiser, stronger and smarter than I helps put things in perspective. I am definitely not on an upswing, but you guys make the crash so much better. So I just wanted to thank everyone on this forum.

Sorry for rambling.

[Clara22]

I wanted to tell you although I am entitled to a big discount on my monthly medication I am not getting the discount because there is a requirement to go to a case manager medical doctor and I do not want to go! She, this doctor, says what terrible my physical condition is (disability plus osteomyelitis ) every visit I do! I do not want to hear her. Her attitude affects me. I tried to change the manager doctor in the past and I could not do it ( without making a big fuzz, I did not want to) and I failed.
So, I understand, I do not want to hear all this stuff about me

[qwerty68]

I am very sorry to hear that. Having a bad doctor just makes things worse. My assigned neurologist is like that, she just dumps on me and is itching to pull my drivers license. Every appointment she threatened to do that. Fortunately, she is so busy she refuses to see me unless things get worse. I haven't seen her since 2003 or so and it still bothers me.

Sometimes making a fuss is the best thing you can do for yourself. It is hard, I know. I had a horrible therapist a long time ago and couldn't get myself to raise enough of a fuss to get a different one. I ditched her when I moved away and it took me several years to get clear of the damage she did.

It is sad, the times when we need to stand up for ourselves is often the time when we simply can't.

[qwerty68]

Can't sleep so reading through posts.

I thought of an issue that does have a cause. Bursitis in my shoulder, caused by severe damage to it when I had a grand mal.

Edit: I actually thought that typing it out would make me feel better. Oh well, post 115 documenting my stupidity.

[Fizzyo]

Originally Posted by qwerty68

Thanks for the kind words.

My newest thing is anxiety about having a heart attack. I have been having a heart attack for three days now. Of course it isn't a real one. I don't know what it it is. Some kind people in the anxiety forum suggested it was OCD + anxiety. Maybe that is it but I have never gotten an OCD diagnosis, but occasionally have issues that could be labeled compulsive or obsessive. I don't have another appointment for 3 months, but I will try to remember to bring this stuff up.

It was triggered by reading that an ex-drummer of Megadeth died Saturday of a heart attack. I liked him, thought he was their best drummer, but didn't know him. Since then, nothing but anxiety attacks, of course they always come with chest pain but that just feeds my belief that I am having a heart attack.

I get chest pain with anxiety too. It's hard to believe in your guts it's not something worse, even if you know it isn't.

I'm glad the forum helps you, it really helps me too.

I really hope the down swing levels off soon for you.