Why does it have to be so hard to keep going? To keep fighting? I have been suicidal more often than not in the last 11 years, it's just so ingrained now. How am I meant to change that? I don't see how it's possible.

And I'm trying really hard to not give in to those urges. This last week has been impossibly hard to get through and I don't know how I can keep fighting it.

And I'm so split. I know I should get help and be honest. And I have been. My care coordinator is pushing me to give her my stash of old meds tomorrow.. And I know that I should, but I don't want to. I'm just not ready to give them up.. And even if I did there is nothing stopping me from buying more or finding some alternative way so...I don't even know what I'm trying to say. There is just no way to guarantee my safety. And I know that I will be asked tomorrow if I can keep myself safe. I just don't know if I can answer that honestly.

[Fuzzybear]

"they" don't even know about my "stash of old meds" - I guess that's one of the reasons I don't want a "care coordinator" - I don't want someone who barely knows me and may not even care attempting to "control" me.

But I do want you to be "safe" - I certainly don't have answers but there must be a reason why both of us are still here

I do know that the right thing to do is to cooperate.... Here's hoping that you will then be offered effective help

[Skeezyks]

Hey, HalloweenSkye... ya know... I also have a little stash of pills. (Although it's not as generous as it used to be.) But, of course, I could certainly supplement it if I wanted to. That, however, would take some fore-thought. I'd have to plan ahead. My previous attempts have been spur-of-the-moment actions... no pre-planning required...

One of the benefits of getting rid of that stash of yours is that it would prevent you from mounting one of those spur-of-the-moment attempts. No... there is no way to guarantee your, or my, safety. We each have to make the decision each day to keep living. I hope you continue to choose life. Please surrender your stash. And, when you are asked, answer honestly with regard to whether or not you feel you can keep yourself safe...

[MtnTime2896]

A lot of us have a stash of meds and I personally lied to my doctor back at the hospital daily so I could go home. I'm suicidal routinely but I can also tell when its getting too bad and getting ready to go too far. Most people do. That's when you make a choice. Get help or take the final step. Its a difficult decision to make and I will never deny that. You could be honest and attempt going to more therapy or maybe even as extreme as a short hospital stay. That will be up to you, and you alone. Your care coordinator has zero say in how you approach this situation. You're in charge, no one else.
Now, personally, I hope you keep fighting but I can't choose for you. I hope you'll be okay. Hope all was alright today.

It went ok... I didn't give up the stash but I was honest about not being able to guarantee my safety. I have no concrete plan right now but it changes at the drop of the hat which I told her. So for now I will be seeing her weekly, with the promise to call if things get bad. I had to agree to that or she would have got the crisis team involved...

[Fuzzybear]

Wow... She sounds like a "decent" "mental health care" worker who seems to care, in the UK this is rare in my experience. Or maybe it's ....

She is decent, or seems to be so far! And it is rare definitely. I haven't really had much luck until now.

[MtnTime2896]

I'm just glad you're okay. Granted, yes, things could be better right now. But you're still fighting and for that, I'm proud of you.