Progress and Setbacks

Hi everyone I've been more on chat than in the forums lately, sometimes with acute depression and sometimes just to pass some time.

I've been feeling better. My partial hospital was reduced to intensive outpatient program a few weeks ago. The program is DBT based and I think I am responding well to that practice and I'm putting a lot of work into it.

I also think my new antidepressant is starting to kick in and is helping.

I stopped going in to work a few weeks ago. I haven't been to work at all and have had limited communication with them. Thinking about work had been giving me tons of anxiety leading to thoughts of suicide... Thinking about my lonliness was giving me tons of anxiety leading to thoughts of suicide... and thinking about work has made me think about my lonliness leading to... Well, you get the picture.

I've been thinking about suicide much less. Really, I had been having almost constant suicidal ideation but if you were following my posts I was also trying desperately hard to get help for myself. By the time I got into the partial hospital I was completely hopeless but willing to work had at it to give myself a chance. I really threw myself into the program. It was very hard.

But I am hoping it is starting to pay off. I am actually thinking of a specific plan to go back to work. I am going to contact my workplace tomorrow and ask if I can come in and discuss it.

My health has been faltering. I am completely recovered from the two bouts of pneumonia but they seems to have left some cardiac damage in their place. I can't walk more than a few minutes without feeling like I am having heart attack symptoms. This has made it impossible to excersize (which we know would be a good thing to help battle depression) but I've been able to take some short walks to get some sun and air and then sit and read to recover.

The heart problems have also made it difficult to reconnect to one of my favorite hobbies--rollercoaster riding. I've been OK riding but walking around the park and even walking in from the parking lot has been draining. I have to stop and rest a lot and then sit for a half hour before I feel ready to begin.

That just brings back the depression... While depressed the anhedonia makes me not enjoy this hobby and now that the anhedonia is receding the heart problems are making it hard to enjoy.

My cardiologist gave me a more advanced scan to see what is going on and confirmed that my heart is pumping at 35%. He spoke with me earlier this week to tell me about this and that is borderline for suggesting a implantable defibrillator be surgically place.

He wants to wait a while and see how things progress so I'm not stressed out about this. However I will have to make a decision. I am not at all afraid of surgery but after my stent was put in a few years ago I did decide that I can not go through a recovery process again. The recovery from the stent was very short and minor but they expect you to have some support and I have none. I physically recovered but the quality of my life was not that great before or after and the recovery just triggered a lot of lonliness. Lots of exit questions and interviews about who was going to help me take care of myself during recovery. In some cases I had to lie that a friend would help then I had to go home and do it myself.

I cannot do that again especially with major surgery which will be so much harder to recover from. I decided after the stent that I would not do that again, if it was my time I would accept it. This was before the depression relapse. With the depression that decision is as solid as ever, but I know it isn't "negative thinking" because I made this decision while I was not depressed and well after I was stressed from the recovery of the stent. IOW in the period in between when I was clear thinking.

So now I'm just doing a lot of research on a defibrillator... I do want something to help me feel better, but I don't want something that is simply going to keep me alive. I would do a minor procedure for that but not anything that requires a period of recovery. Something that would improve my cardiac health with invasive surgery I would have to decide it it was worth it to spend the difficult period of recovery in hopes of returning to a relatively healthy life that I'm not all that pleased with anyway.

I should add that while I am struggling with support for physical health as well as depression... The friend I have spoken about--the one that triggered my initial severe depression 13 years ago--the one I haven't spoken to for ten years--the one I reconciled with this year--the one who I treated horribly and unfairly out of intense anger born 100% from my own head from my then out-of-control depression------- This guy has not blinked about the pain I must have put him through, understood it was from my depression, stayed out of my way and how he is back and happy we are friends again--and has been my single greatest source of love and support. He is married now and his wife is just as knowing and loving and I trust her as much as I trust him, giving me two people I've been able to call and talk to so that I'm (hopefully) not overburdening either one of them.

They are not nearby so I don't get to see them often, but I have seen them occasionally and get not only the love but the support and hugs that I really need.

I wish that they were closer and had more free time but they've been able to make me feel like a priority without disrupting their lives and I am so joyfully grateful for that and for them.

I think talking about them in group therapy is part of what led them to suggest I might have borderline personality disorder (I've mentioned that here on the forums) which after some more thought and discussion does not seem to be the case for me, although I do exhibit a few of the traits so that suggested diagnosis has been helpful helping me deal with those traits. Really I talk about these friends as if they are superheroes but I am going based on their actions within really healthy boundaries that both they and I have in place. At least I think so... and as time has passed I am confident that this is so.

This whole thing started out because I fell in love with him 13 years ago and now I feel completely comfortable in our relationship and it seems so does he... he still touches me and hugs me when we are together and I am able to love him completely without being in love with him or heading in that direction.. No jealousy or competition from his wife--she knows the whole story--and as I said I trust her as much as I trust him.

As I am recovering I am looking forward to having a normal fun friendship with them--an opportunity that I locked myself out of for ten years but now have the unique opportunity to resume--just to go out and have fun with them without them being a support for my depression.

Hearing about your reconciling with your friend put a smile on my face. He and his wife sound like great people and I'm glad you have them in your life. It's too bad they don't live closer to you because I'll bet they would be willing to help you out if it turned out you had to get the implant. (fingers crossed you won't though)

You know, a whole lot of psychologists and pdocs don't even believe in the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, even though it's still in the DSM. I think it's been years since I encountered one who does. Good you have backed away from that.

--Ceara1010

Even with them being a bit away, I think they would come give me support in the hospital (it was difficult to even get visitors when I had my stent, the only person who really visited was my boss and one friend who has since moved away) but they wouldn't really be able to help me out at home because they're pretty busy, he is a doctor and she is a social worker. I appreciate the time they are able to give to me for phone conversations when I need it but having them help me around the house would be too much I think. Trips to the store or pharmacy however I think they would be up for if they were nearby.

I'm glad it made you smile, talking to them makes me smile and even just thinking about them/knowing I have them in my life makes me smile.

(((Dexter)))

I'm sorry you are experiencing so many health issues. It's no wonder that you are experiencing some intense depression as well. I think it's actually somewhat natural that you would feel depressed with these health issues.

I hope that things will take a turn for the better. I have seen you in chat and it's been great chatting with you. Hope you'll keep coming back.

Seesaw

Today I received a letter that I am approved for a nuclear bone scan... Of which I know absolutely nothing about. I know which doctor's office it came from so I have to call and find out what and why.

I hate having to spend so much of the day on my health... Specifically red tape concerning my health.

Dexter, If I can help in anyway with medical questions, please let me know. I am a nurse and a former librarian; doing research is one of my favorite past times. I know, kind of pathetic. but old librarians never die, they just pushed back on the shelf!