[Max Payne]

I keep going up and down the last few days. It started when I went back to work on Friday and got chewed out for screwing up again. On Saturday and Monday at work I thought I was going to go out of my skull because I didn't want to be there, I felt like I couldn't handle the pressure of the job. Then last night as I was leaving I bumped into my supervisor and she told me I was doing much better based on her review, and suddenly everything was good. Today I had a good day at work, and I was feeling like things weren't as bad as they seemed. Then tonight on the way home I started thinking about a job I was offered when I was in college, and suddenly I'm back down in the dregs, thinking I screwed up my whole life 18 years ago and thinking how different things could have been. It's very possible that taking that job would have had disastrous results. I would've had to move clear across the country and I would've been completely on my own except for the woman who offered me the job (that was actually part of the reason I never really looked into it; she offered to let me stay with her and her husband for two weeks while I shadowed her and saw what the job was like, and I'm sure you can see why that would freak out someone with social anxiety.) Another thing is my advisor told me that the job was a lot tougher than I thought and would involve a lot more work than I was used to. But hey, it could have been good, or it could have led to something better. At least I would've got out of this godforsaken state I've spent my whole life in.*

I keep thinking about all this stuff and now I just feel worthless and useless. I keep thinking if I'd at least have had the guts to try it and it didn't work at least I'd have tried. I look back at the last two decades and feel like it was all just a waste. I'm just a waste.*

[basicgoodness]

You are not a waste. That is the depression talking. I'm glad your supervisor told you that you are doing better. That should make you feel good. I doubt that you screwed up your life by not taking one job 18 years ago. It could have been a disaster. I screwed up my life by taking a job 8 years ago. So it can go either way. You need to let go of the past and focus on the present. I understand your bitterness. I share it. But what choice do we have but to forge on?

[Fizzyo]

Sorry you're so sad about that job.

Basicgoodness is right it could have gone either way. I try to think of past choices that I didn't make as part of another world which could have been even harder than the one I'm in now.

I know that's easier said than done!

If I'd done something different I would have had different experiences and would be a different person (not necessarily a better one).
Someone once asked if I truly would want to be someone else, and my conclusion was, probably not. I know who I am now, and that other person would not necessarily be any more successful or happier.

Those are just my thoughts. I feel your overpowering sense of regret. That's sooo hard to live with.
So I wish you well and I hope things improve in your current job and your current world.

[Fuzzybear]