Is my husband depressed or just lazy? I'm depressed, so this is making it worse.

My therapist thinks I am depressed. I think she may be right. I'm trying to fight against it but I feel very lethargic these days. The part of me that wants to do better, that wants to be active, tries to get me up and moving but I'm slamming against a wall that I wasn't expecting to run into.

My husband.

He is very inactive and seemingly lethargic himself. But I'm not sure if he's depressed, so much as just lazy. I want to learn to cook more - I'm already quite good at it but I want to cook even more exciting things. He isn't interested in joining me. He doesn't even care if I cook in general. He'd be fine not eating at work, or ordering a sub, then coming home to tv dinners and canned foods. He enjoys what I cook but he never asks me to or for particular meals or particular types of meals. Okay, he just won't be hard to cook for, he's neutral...

I want to learn to make soap or candles or knit or just something! He isn't interested in any of those things, even with me; okay, those are "girly" things. But he doesn't have any other "guy" hobbies that I could join in on either, and I totally would because I don't give a flying eff, I love to do and learn so much I'll try anything. I even bought him a beer making kit that cost close to $150 because he wanted it so badly. A year later, he's made one batch.

What about physical activities? None. I'm the only one trying to make myself walk or jog with hopes to do more later. He'll offer to come along but then I'm annoyed that he's along as a passive tagalong just like he always is. He comes home from work and sits in front of his computer and that's it. The only hobby he wants to get involved in is going to play Magic the Gathering. I don't think this would annoy me so much if it wasn't the only thing he wanted to do. I play myself but I don't want to spend hours doing this and nothing else, nothing productive (as in making things, seeing things, going outdoors, etc.). I'm willing to join my life to his but there's so little to join to and it's making me want to just curl into a ball and cry. The sorts of things he likes to do are the precise "activities" I turn to when I'm depressed.

I start to itch inside. I want to break down in tears. I know I can do things on my own but because he's such a huge part of my life, his total lack of movement from 5:30pm to midnight, his lack of goals, etc. just drives me insane. Yesterday, I was out for lunch with a friend and her daughter and between lunch and other stops, it took 5 hours. He kept asking when I would come home. It occurs to me now that there was no point in rushing home because what would we do on a Sunday together anyways? Watch Netflix? He wanted to "spend time with me" but he is so stationary, what would that even look like? If I want to do something else, he's open to it, but I have to make all plans. Always the passive tagalong.

I asked what his interests are. He has almost none. The few he does have we can't do right now. I share some of these but I just move on to others until I can do the more expensive things, like rock climbing. But if he can't go rock climbing at the local gym, he won't do anything at all. He makes no alternate plans, it's all or nothing, it's do precisely the two or three things he wants, or sit and ignore everything. He complains about not wanting to go out into the city because he can't go do things, so we don't even go outside. Again, if I go, he tags along, and at that point, I'd rather be alone, which upsets him. It feels like I'm dragging around a weight. And I guess that's what all this babbling has come down to. I feel like I'm dragging around a heavy weight and I'm struggling to carry my own so it's not working out and I don't know what needs to happen here because if I distance myself to care for myself - go for walks alone, whatever - he gets upset.

It's like his total "meh" personality following me around, not totally engaging, never taking an active role, never fully excited or happy, is a reminder of what I am about to become if I don't fix this.

Even if no one can give me some advice or insight, I think I just hit a few key points to take to therapy with me tomorrow. lol

It surely sounds like you need to find others to share your interests, and there is nothing wrong with that. Check out meetups in your area to find others with like-interests, share the few things you can with your husband, let him develop his own 'interests';
(have you asked him how he feels?)
and if there isn't enough 'shared' time as you need....reconsider the marriage.
The only behavior, sadly, you can change is your own. I still hope for others at times....or think I can be the changer---but I know better. Sometimes this can free the other person up enough for them to explore the world....it can work out in time.
Or not.
Cook for your pleasure, invite someone over who loves a good meal, make soap, candles, anything you want for yourself, and as gifts.
Enjoy the process. Your enjoyment will be attractive......and you will meet others that you can share experiences and knowledge with---can't get it all from
one person.

Hello Sonne: Yes, it certainly sounds like your hubby may be struggling with some depression. But it is also possible that this is simply who he is. One thing you didn't mention is whether or not this is a change. That may be the telling factor. If he used to be more dynamic & now this is the way he's become, then it's likely he's fallen into a state of depression. On the other hand, if this is just pretty-much the way he's been in general, he could still be struggling with a more long term depression, or perhaps this is just who he is. Either way, if your husband is satisfied living the life he's living, & he's functioning day-to-day, then what we imagine might be going on with him doesn't really matter.

Actually, to a large extent, your hubby sounds quite a bit like me. I do have a couple of hobbies & things I do around the home. But a lot of my time is spent on the computer. I think my wife sometimes gets as frustrated with me as you are with your husband. The difference is we're older & neither of us is particularly interested in being out in public or in spending any more money than we have to. So the range of our differences is smaller. However, from my perspective, I live the life I live at this point. And I want her to live the life she wants to live. The difference between your hubby & me, I guess, is I have no expectations with regard to what my wife does.

You can only be responsible for yourself. Simply decide what it is you want to do on a day-to-day basis & do it. Make it clear that you're going to live the life you want to live. Would it be nice if your husband would join you in your activities? Sure... but that's just not the way it's going to be apparently. If your husband continues to be a ball-&-chain, so to speak, you may need to consider whether or not this is a relationship you can sustain. No good will result from you too being dragged down further into depression, or whatever it is that's happening with your husband. Good luck...

Now that you mention it, I'm actually an introvert; he's more extroverted. When we would order food, he'd always want to eat out, I'd prefer to get our order to go. Now that I'm depressed, I'm trying to prevent myself from sinking in because I spiral pretty fast. He's not asking to go out as much, I am. I'm trying to avoid the apartment, because I could very easily sink into the bed and not move. He's not asking to go to the movies or out to eat as much as he used to. I've been trying to encourage him but maybe he really is depressed. I really hadn't thought of his slow turn towards introversion until Skeezy mentioned not wanting to go out much. =/

My therapist wasn't sure. She mentioned that due to his history - he was raised in a strict, Christian household - he may not have had a chance to develop his identity fully. So he sort of latched onto mine. And now that I'm depressed, that dynamic is out of whack and he's no more sure what to do than I am. Because the thing is, the reason this is partly an issue is because we DO enjoy spending time together, interacting, but right now, nothing is overlapping. I can't just sit indoors and watch tv, that is exactly what I do when I've given up.

I would go ahead and follow some of your interests like the cooking or crafting. They will keep you busy AND provide you a sense of accomplishment and worth that we so often need when depressed. The potential to enjoy yourself is a bonus.

It's hard for me to tell if your spouse is similarly depressed or just being who he is. How long has he been this way and did it happen all of a sudden?

I suppose one way to tell might be to find out if his mood ever gets dark in addition to the lethargy.

Sonne, I can relate. It is terrible to feel depressed and have no support from your spouse, who maybe experiencing the same. My hubby has to constantly keep a check on his depression, when it creeps in, it rubs off . . . . . . the best thing you can do is surround yourself with people who bring you out of that “funk” (as well as hobbies that give you creative joy) . . . . . take care of yourself!! I noticed that my mood effects my husband and vice versa . . . . . . maybe have a heart to heart with your husband. As my hubby always says “he is not a mind reader” . . . . . so maybe on one of your walks together, not only enjoy the walk, but maybe take the time to talk and re-connect as a couple.