[PerpetualPain]

I am depressed, alone and completely isolated from the world. My mental health issues are not taken seriously by my parents. They use it to insult me and tell me that I am going to end up like my mentally ill uncle. Who is often the victim of my families unsympathetic focus. I would rather die than be thought of in that way.

I have gotten to the point where i never leave the house other than for college. I cant leave because I have an anxiety disorder that stops me from leaving. It also stops me seeking help from a GP. I am totally alone and isolated, which i understand a lot of people with depression usually feel. However unlike being surrounded by people and feeling alone. I spend a majority of my time alone and speak to nobody for weeks at a time. Only time i do speak to someone is my parents but even then it's arguments so it does not count.

I feel angry with my parents for not helping me with my issues when I really needed them. I feel insulted that they mock my mental health despite the fact they could of helped prevent it if only they'd have been there for me. It has gotten to the point now where i get into arguments and conversations turn nasty whenever I speak to them. They insult me for my teeth or the fact I havent got a job. If i tell them they've insulted me, they call me rude. I call them rude and the whole conversation goes to ****.

My parents want me out of the house, and i am hurting beyond belief. I just want someone to save me from this nightmare, but nobody is going to come.

Every day I lay in my bed wishing I was dead so that my terrible existence would end. I dont care if I was to become nothing, at least everything else would become nothing too. I used to not consider suicide because of what it would do to my family, but now honestly I'm far from caring anymore. If they dont care about my feelings when im alive why should i care what they feel when im dead?

I cant cry anymore. I cant self harm. Nothing brings me relief. I anticipate my death which will probably be suicide. I see no way out and no options. Seeking a doctor is not an option my anxiety disorder is so severe I'd rather die than speak to someone. My depression is constantly fueled by my anxiety disorder.

I am a total mess. I want someone to love me and fix me and build me up so i can thrive in this world. But the closer it gets the less likely that dream is going to happen. I feel as though in about a years time I will end my life.

I dont know why I've came here. I post online often looking for help, but often people tell me I have to save myself and not wait for someone to save me. I do not feel able to save myself anymore i feel like I've sank too deep.

Dear PerpetualPain, I noticed your title is "I have to get through 3 months". Please keep checking in here. There are a lot of people at this forum experiencing the same thoughts. Some of us even improve. You can make it for 3 months. I'm sorry your home is so isolating. I see where you have written that your anxiety prevents you from leaving the house so I know this is a lot to ask but please consider forcing yourself to walk in the sunshine/fresh air.
Sincerely, Myst

[Fizzyo]

Have you thought of exposing yourself to activities and social situations a little at a time? For me it was starting grocery shopping in the middle of the night and going later and later each week.

I would suggest making yourself plans to get out and/or doing something over gradually increasing occurances. My therapist had me always make two plans to choose from. It's easier to say I'm not going to do one but harder to say I won't do both. This really did help me.

What supports do you have in your area? Even though school is out there should still be some mental health supports at your college/university. All the better if you could talk a parent into going with you. Call up your GP. The office may be able to help you out with an out of usual hours appointment if this would be helpful. If getting to and from appointments and supports is an issue your local mobile crisis or mental health association should be able to help you with that.

Stay in touch.

I know how incredibly debilitating Depression is at this time of year. It is usually my hardest. But, over the last 6 months I've worked dilegently on my anxieties - which I believe are related. As unbelievably hard as it is the answer for me was to get out. It took babysteps to be sure but it has paid off.