[Onward2wards]

I am having a hard time with situational stress and depressed thinking lately, and the realization that I keep making the same mistakes over and over which cause the current kinds of problems in the first place. (So, long term and current issues are getting to me). Me not opening up enough to others - even treatment teams! - isn't helping.

I have been feeling far worse than I've been admitting because I don't want to burden or scare anyone. I'm doing okay with techniques I have learned to keep on an even keel, but cracks are beginning to show that I'm having the worst time ever handling. The pressure just builds every day it seems.

I know what to do - I "just" need a new life and to stop doing the same tired old nonsense - I am having a hard time accomplishing that. I will admit that some days I have felt overwhelmed to the point of losing hope, and that has taken me (briefly) to those thoughts that are "red flag" to say the least. I'm not sure how to deal with this much longer I guess. I feel miserable, empty, angry, fed up, isolated, overwhelmed, spaced out, confused, scared, and lost. The worst is when I start to feel resigned to it. That has been making me feel like I'm not even the same person anymore, it's frightening and hard to describe. I know that enough chronic stress can do some really strange things, so I'm assuming I am not actually "going insane", it's just a very unpleasant perception.

I don't believe anything less than changes to life circumstances is going to do a thing for me, but fear is keeping me stuck. I need several current stressors gone, and to seriously change my lifestyle for the better, end of story. At least I can keep talking and not withdraw.

I feel really, really bad even posting this. That's one of my ongoing problems - not being able to admit I'm struggling because it makes every fear I have feel more tangible, including fears that nothing will change for the better or that people will judge me or that I'm just not good enough, that others deserve better than I can ever be. Those feelings of being powerless and a hopeless social loser are just the worst. they hurt. And they are so old. Damn I'm crying now and I have to go my **** job (which is literally driving me crazy, I need OUT of that place NOW!!!) in 5 minutes. Thank goodness for the tears though, somehow cleansing, like a dam breaking.

Dear Onward2Onwards,
**** jobs are the worst stressers. I've been over the edge and back and my **** job was 90% of the cause (all the former swings into depression were quite minor). So it's not a burden that you are opening up. And it's sweet that you don't want to burden anyone but it's OK to ask for help. It's hard but I can tell you know you need to open up to others instead of showing the brave face. (I assume you are looking for another job).
Please keep on updating us. Sincerely,Myst

[broadwaylove]

Don't let fear win.

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[Fizzyo]

Hi Onwards2Onwards,

You made a good start here. Thanks for finding the courage to share with us. I hope you can find a way to open up when it is really necessary.
Wishing you all the best as you try to find a way forward.