Coming out the other end of grave chronic illness...depressed about relationships

First post, aloha. I'll try to keep this short.

I'm 38 years old. I'll try to give a brief history of my past for context. Months before my 21st birthday I was hit with a softball sized tumor in my left chest growing into my lung and heart cavities, with my nerves and subclavian artery to my arm passing through it. After diagnosis, I was placed on a weekly chemotherapy regimen that ended up lasting years, interspersed with break periods to rebound. I underwent radiation after shrinking it which stopped the growth for two years, then it resumed as did treatment. As no more radiation could be done, this has left me with a lifelong sentence of weekly chemo, which makes me miserable from Mon until Thurs. So long story short, from the age of 21 to two years ago (36) I was doing this. Two years ago, watching my life pass before my eyes, my body and mind hammered from so much chemo, and becoming suicidal, I said, "enough is enough". I've stopped it for good and have decided to let my tumor do as it will as I can't live like that. If my life ends prematurely, then that's the hand I've been dealt and I've made peace with it. I've put up a tremendous fight.

But my life's not over yet, and I fully intend to make good on what time I do have. Problem is, I'm coming out of this dark tunnel with nothing to show for it, not even my health. I've no education, no career, no skills, I've never been in love or even had any relationship of real consequence, I have no family of my own, I live with the parents on $1k/month disability (half of which goes to room/board) so have no independence, very little financial flexibility, and my social skills, confidence, and self-esteem are in the gutter as I have nothing that society deems valuable. I have immense anger problems and suffer from Bipolar II as well as social anxiety. I'm currently in community college pursuing an English degree as well as I'm able, to what end I'm unsure.

The reason I'm posting is I'm very depressed about my relationship prospects. I desperately crave intimacy, so much so that I literally tear up when I see couples. I've not been with anyone since right before diagnosis--17 years ago--still remain a virgin (yea, laugh), and it's torture to endure....both from the social stigma and physically. This isn't to say I'm completely inexperienced but I wanted to wait for someone in a relationship I cared for, but was yanked out of any life conducive to it, not to mention was an utter wreck both mentally and physically for a very long time afterwards. I didn't know how to make any friends or otherwise, because there was no basis for commonality, combined with a miserable existence. Most people run from illness, especially the young. Now, nothing's changed. All my peers have educations, have built careers, they have homes, kids, they travel, have social lives. I know nothing of these, only of cancer (of which most my age know very little of), Bipolar II, mental hospitals, narcotic detoxes, self mutilation, botched surgeries, disabilities, etc. Who wants to deal with this?? As for women in the dating scene at my age? Many have teenage kids, and they want an independent man who can afford what's to be expected of someone their age who's experienced a "normal" life.

So my question is: how do I approach connecting with people, woman in particular? I feel like I'm from Mars. It's not that I have trouble talking to people, but there's no grounds to relate past superficialities. I'm frustrated, but am in no way interested in a hooker as paying removes all excitement to me. I desire a mental connection just as much as a physical one, but I don't have the experiences even close to what others have had to build any foundation for it, or a current situation that can help. Given how drastically divergent my life has been for so long, where do I even begin?

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Hello Kale77: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you have had so much difficulty in your life. I don't know as I have any great suggestions for you. What I typically suggest is that people consider becoming involved in some kind of volunteer activities of some sort in some area of interest.

From my perspective people have to have something in common (hopefully something positive... although even this isn't always the case) before they can expect to develop some kind of relationship. It seems to me that, among the "universe" of people who would share common interests with you is where you might be most likely to meet someone with whom you might be able to develop a relationship. And, even if this never happens, at least you have the satisfaction of being of benefit to others in your community. Helping others is itself pretty-much considered to be a good depression reliever.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Welcome to PC

Dear Kale77,
I'm sorry life has thrown you so many curve balls. You can be proud about the fight you have waged and still are waging. I'm in my 50s, so dating may have changed but before I met my spouse, I was quite open about dating a variety of people. I found it attractive when a man shared my interests. I liked to be "taken out" but was not at all impressed by how much was spent. In fact, I once thought that someone was a bit foolish when they spent over $100.00 on a dinner for two (expensive restaurant). My favorite dates: a truly awesome hike, it wound through caves where water dripped (it was in the southwest were the moisture was refreshing and uncommon); the boy just brought some water and very light snacks in a small backpack. With my husband, camping on top of a mountain, under the stars. He brought a tent, hotdogs/buns, and beer. I also appreciated $1.00 movies (do they exist anymore?) and eating pizza by the slice while sharing a pitcher of beer.
From my perspective, don't be afraid to ask someone out. The worst they can do is say no. If you don't hit it off, then you'll only have to endure one date; but I think attraction can be very hard to predict. I liked men who had admirable qualities but for me that would include intelligence, humor, enthusiasm (about something that strikes me as interesting), and bravery. Hope these suggestions might be helpful.
Sincerely, Myst

PS A female college friend of mine had been in a motorcycle accident before we met. I found that her story about the accident and recovery to be very interesting. I admired her for continuing to pursue her college degree despite still having to go through further operations and physical therapy. We shared many adventures and I still think fondly of her indomitable spirit. So some people might find themselves drawn in by your story.

Welcome to pc!