[kray_bray_may]

I feel like the grit of depression is wearing me down like sand wears down a car's engine as it flies through the radiator. That was an attempt at sounding poetic, but I'm finding it harder to function over the last few months. I don't know where to start because it feels like I have a lot on my mind and I can't unravel it all. It took me weeks to work up the motivation to post here and every second I write this is an effort and makes me want to quit.

I feel really isolated, but I don't want to see any of my friends or go anywhere or do anything. My days, especially this summer, have been really monotonous: I wake up and go to class and that's all I do. During the evenings, I take long walks and think and ruminate until I feel half mad.

I ruminate during other times of the day as well, dwelling on negative thoughts. I think about current news and, the meaning (and lack of) of life, my insecurities about my looks and my anxiety about looking for work after graduation.

Since last September and throughout this school year, I've felt increasingly distant from people. I find myself uninterested in people and their stories, I have no desire to connect with anyone. I feel like there is so much to know about each person and each person being so different there is no way I can even scratch the surface of a person. I also project my own complications onto other people, imagining them to be complex and intricate, again playing into the thought that connection between people is always incomplete and something held back.

I feel that I can't relax and that I'm always on and very irritable the past few months. I feel isolated from people and unable to connect, but paradoxically, with no desire to connect. I'm becoming highly insular and turning down invites from my friends to hang out, even as I get angry and irritated when they don't reach out to talk with me.

I often can't stay present and my mind wanders when I'm out. I end up thinking a lot and getting upset. And after all that I feel severe apathy and numbness, but an uncomfortable numbness with raw emotion all over the place.

I also fear that this will go on indefinitely which saps all my hope.

Dear kray_bray_may,
I'm sorry your life is so monotonous. Are you in treatment? (therapy, psychiatrist) I remember that senior year in college was stressful for some because of the stress of looking for a job. Are you a senior? Or in some kind of graduate school? Just curious. I hope you are able to get some help and some relief.
Sincerely, Myst

[kray_bray_may]

Originally Posted by Mysterious153

Dear kray_bray_may,
I'm sorry your life is so monotonous. Are you in treatment? (therapy, psychiatrist) I remember that senior year in college was stressful for some because of the stress of looking for a job. Are you a senior? Or in some kind of graduate school? Just curious. I hope you are able to get some help and some relief.
Sincerely, Myst

Yes, senior after this summer. I tried counseling through my school, it wasn't helpful. Job anxiety isn't the only thing bothering me.

Dear kray_bray_may,
I started therapy for the first time last summer. I just did not connect with the first one I tried. Realized it after the 2nd session. The 2nd therapist I tried has really helped me. Of course, it's expensive without insurance. My understanding is that for your therapy to work, you have to sort of "click" with the person you are seeing. I also take medication which quickly helped stabilize (but it didn't fix it) my depression. I feel like my depression (I've had it since middle school) is like a life long chronic condition. I swing in and out of it. I've learned some of the things I need to do for it to be "less bad" through lifelong trial and error. Along with therapy and medication, I've found things like family, exercise, yoga (wish I could still do this), sunshine, sleep and excellent nutrition are helpful. I see that you are walking but from what you describe, you may want to see a health professional about your situation if you can.
Sincerely, Myst

[kray_bray_may]

Thanks for the reply, Myst. I tried therapy for the first time two years ago and attended on and off for a little over a year. It didn't really help me and I didn't feel I could relate to the two counsellors I saw. In fact, I feel I can't connect in general and since you brought up family, them as well. I think I get enough exercise - my walks are long and very fast paced and I've been taking walks for many years, ever since I was a kid. I think it's more being unable to get my mind off things that bothers me. Regarding it being a life long condition - that's also my fear. I think you're referring to managing depression and that thought greatly discourages me because I fret that this will never end.

They say that people with depression tend to focus on worst case scenarios. Given that you're looking for work after graduation, I'm sure the worst case scenario is less than pleasant. A part of our depression is "reality-based." You are in a tough transition right now. I had lots of depression in high school and college. I'm in my 50s, but the best period in my life was after beginning a significant job which started 5 months after I graduated. Things were so good, I don't recall having much depression for about 8 years (though I was a bit manic at times due to my responsibilities). It could happen to you! And you might want to curtail your news consumption. I listen to a lot of music instead.
Myst

[kray_bray_may]

I listen to music heavily as well. Reading news is unavoidable because I'm going into the news media business. In any case, I feel like we're getting side tracked by the job search. I am also bothered by the lack/difficulty/desirability of connecting with people and personal insecurities.

You probably need to see a psychiatrist. He/she might be able to alleviate some of your symptoms through medication. I've made a lot of suggestions. You are going through a period in your life where you're figuring a lot out. You can probably see from this forum that people approach their mental health issues in a countless variety of ways. I truly hope you find some additional answers.
Sincerely, Myst

[kray_bray_may]

My first psychologist wanted to refer me to a psychiatrist to prescribe me medication, but I am against taking medication. I do not want to run the risk of feeling worse.

[kray_bray_may]

Bump! Still need help with this folks!