[rkba97]

I posted in the postpartum depression forum too but it doesn't look very active. Just kind of sharing my story here, hopefully with people who can relate.

I was diagnosed with depression and bipolar as a teenager and 15 years later I'm now a mom of a 5 month old boy. I guess I had postpartum depression but who knows since even before I got pregnant I was already coping with some serious depression over here.

Well I feel like I've finally gotten it together for a little while, except now I have to go back to work full time, which means dumping my baby off at day care, and I feel so guilty about that, it's just eating me up inside, I'm back to crying constantly and having this awful heavy, squeezed kind of feeling in my heart that I get when things get really bad. Meanwhile, here's this amazing little dude I was blessed with, and I love him so much and he does make me happy, and I kind of happy/sad cry every time he smiles at me (which is, like, constantly) and that often turns into sobbing. (At that point I'll often put him in his crib and go into another room to get it all out, and then pick up where we left off with the smiles.) My mom has always been depressed (my own diagnosis, she's never sought help because she's in denial), and because of that and how it affected my childhood (and my brothers'... and our adult lives...), my biggest priority these days is to not let my own sadness get in the way of the amazing life that my little boy can potentially have. I have to say I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job of that so far.

That dichotomy, of feeling terribly depressed yet blessed and happy at the same time, is totally possible. I know because I'm living it for months now, and it's something only someone with depression can comprehend, I think. So yeah, while I'm super thrilled and (once I adjusted to this crazy new lifestyle) enjoying all the time I'm spending with my little boy, I feel the same ol' sadness and guilt that most moms must feel when they drop their kid off at day care for the first time, except the sadness and guilt are multiplied a million-fold by the depression. But, I haven't had suicidal thoughts in about a month, so I consider that to be progress.

I'm rambling, it's just that my husband and I moved to a new city recently and I don't really have anybody to talk to, besides my therapist, who I get to talk to for an hour every 2 weeks. In conclusion, depression sucks, and it turns the bumps in the road of life into huge, road-blocking mountains of awfulness, but it is definitely a consolation to know that there are others out there who can relate. That's all, I hope everyone is doing well, or relatively well.

[basicgoodness]

You have a lot of stressors going on right now. A new baby, new city, going back to work, putting your baby in child care. You may need to be on medication if you are not already. I would talk to your doctor about that. Twice a month sessions with a therapist may not be enough. Post-partum depression can be very serious and detrimental to both the mother and the child. There was an article just recently in the NYT about the need for depression screening for pregnant and parenting women.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Take care of yourself.

[rkba97]

Yes I saw that article. I'm on Trileptal and Wellbutrin right now but I think the dosages aren't high enough. Before I was pregnant, I was on 6 meds for depression, anxiety, and bipolar, including those two, at very high doses, because when my doctors saw that my Rx's weren't working, they'd just up the doses, til I was on an insane amount of everything. So, next week I'm going to visit my old doctor, the one who originally diagnosed me, because she just came out of retirement, and she's the only doctor I feel has really helped me at all over the years. And then hopefully I'm on the path to brighter times. Thanks!

[EnglishDave]

I agree with Basicgoodness about your possible need for more treatment/support.

I would also suggest you take time to get to know other people - a Mommy/Daddy and Me type group would put you in a room with people of an age and potentially similar interests. The big one being the trials of socialising while having a child. My daughter made many friends at a similar group when my Grandson was born 3 years ago. Their friendships endure to this day even though the group has gone.

Dave.

[rkba97]

We did a few Mommy and Me classes and I did meet some moms, and I had a great time. We traded info and then never contacted each other. Maybe I should reach out. We have so many friends with babies back home! It's just how life works out sometimes. My husband is MUCH more outgoing and social than I am. But I'm hoping we'll meet some other parents through day care, too. Thanks!

[jbuttz]

Hey rkba nice to meet you. I am a father of 2 girls who are my pride and joy. I have been battling depression for a long time as well. My oldest daughter is at an age now where I can't put her in a room and step away when I get to crying. She wipes my tears and tells me don't cry da da with such a warm caring emotion on her face. She doesn't understand why I sometimes cry but I know when she looks at me and tells me not to worry, I know she's right. Hugs from Canada!

[shezbut]

I joined a MOMS Club when I was pregnant with my second daughter. It was a terrific experience & I found myself wishing that I'd found them earlier! I am such a shy person too. But, we were in groups of same-age children, and we had a lot of fun.

MOMS Club®

Very best wishes to you and your sweet family

[rkba97]

Hi jbuttz, That is so sweet! I had a little breakdown last night without warning, and even though he's only 5 months, my little guy looked at me, I guess a little confused, for a bit, and then got this huge goofy toothless smile on his face - and then I started laughing through my tears, and he started laughing too - those are the moments I realize everything's going to be okay. I'm sitting here all teary again from your story and retelling mine. These kids are just absolutely incredible!

[rkba97]

Thank you Shezbut, I'm going to check out MOMS Club right now!

[abstractvibe]

Originally Posted by rkba97

I posted in the postpartum depression forum too but it doesn't look very active. Just kind of sharing my story here, hopefully with people who can relate.

I was diagnosed with depression and bipolar as a teenager and 15 years later I'm now a mom of a 5 month old boy. I guess I had postpartum depression but who knows since even before I got pregnant I was already coping with some serious depression over here.

Well I feel like I've finally gotten it together for a little while, except now I have to go back to work full time, which means dumping my baby off at day care, and I feel so guilty about that, it's just eating me up inside, I'm back to crying constantly and having this awful heavy, squeezed kind of feeling in my heart that I get when things get really bad. Meanwhile, here's this amazing little dude I was blessed with, and I love him so much and he does make me happy, and I kind of happy/sad cry every time he smiles at me (which is, like, constantly) and that often turns into sobbing. (At that point I'll often put him in his crib and go into another room to get it all out, and then pick up where we left off with the smiles.) My mom has always been depressed (my own diagnosis, she's never sought help because she's in denial), and because of that and how it affected my childhood (and my brothers'... and our adult lives...), my biggest priority these days is to not let my own sadness get in the way of the amazing life that my little boy can potentially have. I have to say I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job of that so far.

That dichotomy, of feeling terribly depressed yet blessed and happy at the same time, is totally possible. I know because I'm living it for months now, and it's something only someone with depression can comprehend, I think. So yeah, while I'm super thrilled and (once I adjusted to this crazy new lifestyle) enjoying all the time I'm spending with my little boy, I feel the same ol' sadness and guilt that most moms must feel when they drop their kid off at day care for the first time, except the sadness and guilt are multiplied a million-fold by the depression. But, I haven't had suicidal thoughts in about a month, so I consider that to be progress.

I'm rambling, it's just that my husband and I moved to a new city recently and I don't really have anybody to talk to, besides my therapist, who I get to talk to for an hour every 2 weeks. In conclusion, depression sucks, and it turns the bumps in the road of life into huge, road-blocking mountains of awfulness, but it is definitely a consolation to know that there are others out there who can relate. That's all, I hope everyone is doing well, or relatively well.

I have just joined and read your post. It was a long time ago so just wondering if you are now okay?

[rkba97]

Originally Posted by abstractvibe

I have just joined and read your post. It was a long time ago so just wondering if you are now okay?

Hi, yes, much better! Although, I only really check out this form when I'm feeling down, which I am now, but nothing as deep and major as when I'd posted this. The PPD is definitely gone, and I feel like I've reached a new level of coping with the BPD, depression, anxiety. Still a daily struggle, but after all these years I'm really starting to notice some real progress. My baby's almost a year old now, and he totally rules. Thanks for asking! I hope all is well!!