[sleater-kinner]

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here, still new to this community. I'm trying to deal with a lot of emotions right now and really needed to talk them out with someone.

I'm a 24 year-old woman and I've been suffering from depression for about two years. I move around a lot and I think this started when I last moved for university two years ago. Shortly after I broke up with my ex and the fallout was bad. I didn't make any friends in this new city, but I found a wonderful therapist who helped me out a lot.

In about a month, I'll be moving somewhere new as an exchange student, but until then, I'm stuck at my parents' for the summer. I've been unemployed for about four months and no one will hire me for only one month. I've also been rejected from volunteer work. Because I've moved so much, I've kind of lost that closeness I used to have with old friends back home. For a couple months now, I've felt like I truly have not a single person to talk to about my problems. I've never felt so lonely in my life, and this is coming from someone who's used to being alone - only child, introvert.

I've been thinking a lot about suicide lately. It started about a year ago. It comes and goes. These past few days though, it's been very recurrent. I don't think I'd ever actually do anything but it's distressing to spend so much time thinking about it. Living with depression (unmedicated) feels like babysitting oneself, to be honest. I try so hard to take care of myself and make sure to make myself feel good and do things I enjoy so I won't feel like this and yet it keeps happening. I don't feel like seeing anyone (it's exhausting to put on a front), not that that many people are knocking at my door, I don't feel like going to the movies or even reading as my attention span isn't the same, I don't feel like exercising, I just want to wallow in my room and cry about how much I hate myself and my life. How did I get here? Where did I mess things up?

All of this is made worse because until I move, I have nowhere else to go but my mom's house (they're married but dad works abroad). My therapist has suggested she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I've done some research and I believe even if she doesn't suffer from it, her behavior is a pretty close match. She's also been depressed for years and has never sought treatment. It's impossible to know when she'll lash out so we need to walk on eggshells and pay very close attention to what we say and do. She has no friends and when I'm around tries to get me to do things with her, which I don't mind once in a while (I took her to the movies two days ago) but today, for instance, she woke me up to tell me if I didn't have anything going on we'd spend the day together, and because I didn't seem enthusiastic enough, she's now stalling so that in a while when I ask why she's not getting ready, she'll tell me she decided we're not going and it's all my fault. By then it'll be too late for me to do something on my own. This seems silly but she does this a lot and it upsets me. She can't keep to a schedule or respect anyone's needs. She doesn't even like me as a person. I didn't have anything else going on precisely because I wanted to be alone.

I'm sorry for the rant. I just feel like such a worthless waste of space. I can't even communicate how I feel to anyone. Thanks for reading.

[Skeezyks]

Hello sleater-kinner: I'm sorry you are struggling at the moment. Hopefully your anticipated move will bring improvements into your life. Your suicidal thoughts are of concern. I've had some personal experience with this. So, if you continue to struggle with these, I would encourage you to reach out for help in real life.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[BadMojo47]

I think it's important to remember that you have a purpose in this life, even if you don't know what it is at the moment. It seems you have some hope because you are posting your thoughts here, that would indicate you know something isn't quite right and you want to get better. I would suggest starting right there with that positive and build on it one piece at a time. Find something every day to grant you that bit of upward momentum until you find yourself at a better place. You can take that wherever you go on the planet.

[Fizzyo]

Sorry to hear how much despair you feel. This is a great place to share and get support.
People here have helped me through some dark times and I hope you get as much encouragement from this community as I have.