[with or without you]

...and I woke up before my alarm clock was set to go off. And I just started crying. It was sadness, disappointment, depression, anger, anxiety, and grief all rolled into one. Anger about even having been born in the first place because of a complicated personal story of being an adoptee that involved a lot of deceit at my expense. I wish I hadn't been born at all. Grief that my dad and both of my birth parents are gone. Sadness and inadequacy from being 35 and living a totally sadsack life. Dread at the fact that my mom is almost 77 and despite how frustrating her own anxious behavior is to me, I am always living in absolute fear of her dying and then I will really be alone. Anger at my social anxiety, not helped by the fact that I don't drink anymore. Anger at not being able to do simple tasks like putting dishes in the dishwasher or taking out the trash because all I want to do when I come home is sleep or play games on my iPhone. Anger at forgetting everything. Mortification from the way I've recently been behaving towards other people. 3 different over-the-top outbursts in the last month, two of them friends. I have a disinterest in almost anyone and anything I used to like. I've really withdrawn from almost everyone and I feel like I have a personality disorder or something. If someone says the slightest thing that bothers me, I hate them and then I berate myself for being so thin-skinned. When people tell me they love me, I can't feel it and I can't return it. I have very few friends, not that I ever considered myself to have a lot of friends anyway. I can't even watch TV shows because I get bored too easily. Right now people are assuming I'm having a great birthday. I am not. I'm here on my couch alone. I used to like birthdays. I used to like a lot of different things. I feel like an even bigger piece of s*** because I don't do anything to improve my health. I either forget to take supplemental medication that could be helpful (like vitamin D because I have a deficiency) or I remember - but don't do it because it's. too. much. work. I consume sugar because it makes me feel great, it's like eating comfort food that's bad for you. Surprisingly I never turned to alcohol or drugs like so many people do, but that is only because my mom was an alcoholic when I was very young and my knee-jerk reaction was that I was scared of people who drank. Knowing what I know now about my biological information, I am genetically predisposed to it anyway. I drank socially (but rarely at that) until 2 years ago, when I found it was just interacting with my meds too much. So I said bye-bye.

I hadn't been able to cry in a long time. I felt a little better after doing it. I went to work because what's the point of taking off, it's not like I would do anything on my birth day anyway.

I have a pdoc whom I see monthly and I see him in 2 weeks. He and his colleagues at the APA have been fighting with my insurance company over getting approval for TMS since March. I got a glimmer of hope from him last week when he asked me to fill out a Becks Depression Inventory because Aetna is finally starting to cave - but only in severe cases. I didn't hold back in the survey answers. I am seriously considering ECT more and more if Aetna denies me for good because there are no other options. I have always been frightened of it from reading hundreds of accounts of memory loss, but quite frankly many of my memories within at least the past 10 years have not been great, so no big loss there. ECT would be a massive disruption to my life and the life of my family, but I have given work a heads-up on a possible medical leave within the next few months. Medication does not work and I am treatment-resistant. I take something, and if I respond to it, I feel really great for about 3 months and then it's like I build up an impenetrable tolerance to a drug and back down into the hole I go. Right now I am on the EMSAM patch but it might as well be a nicotine patch. Maybe all the EMSAM is doing now is saving me from thinking about self-harm but I don't want to get into that in this post because it's against the rules.

I have been on hiatus from therapy but I return there in 2 weeks as well. I left 6 weeks ago because I was fed up with talking about painful stuff all of the time and tired from being this "chronic patient." who just can't seem to go through life without needing therapy like most people. I had been in therapy since I was a kid and I had enough. I do not regret this break.

People really think I am a great person. Personally, I think I am mean, over reactive, lazy, and selfish. They have no idea I have this dark side.


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[mugwort2]

Unsure how to respond. It does seem from your post if I interpret it right glad crying made you feel better. I'd be careful with ECT Studies show it can cause brain damage. Unfamiiliar with the EMSAM patch. Sometimes its helpful to take a therapy break.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by mugwort2

Unsure how to respond. It does seem from your post if I interpret it right glad crying made you feel better. I'd be careful with ECT Studies show it can cause brain damage. Unfamiiliar with the EMSAM patch. Sometimes its helpful to take a therapy break.

I feel brain damaged anyway, what's the difference? Can you cite some sources regarding your claim?

[Hopeofreedom]

The break maybe just what you need. Why not have a change of scenery while your on break,? I also think your so hard on yourself. You deserve to be happy and healthy💜💛!

I'm really hard on myself too, but I remember that I'm not the only one , fighting and struggling against this illness. You can do it !!!!!💪

[Hopeofreedom]

Oh ..... HAPPY BIRTHDAY🎂!!!!

[Deeplyhurt77]

I too feel the same self esteem issues. And a coincidence that my psychiatrist wanted me to try emsam and Thursday sent a request for me to have ECT. 1st thing see if it's approved then worry about the cost later. Really hope your birthday improves.

[Unrigged64072835]

So sorry to hear you didn't have a good birthday. There is a lot to be upset over.

birthdays are difficult regardless

(((((hugs)))))

[Luce]

Although this birthday isn't
a happy one for you,
you were born and
here you are.
I hope today you
can find one thing
- one pleasant thing -
that helps you know
your aliveness.
Maybe a bird
will gift you with its song or
a child's laughter
will touch something
deep within you.
Perhaps another human being will see
you.

You were born and
here you are.

[Stephaniesoda2017]

Originally Posted by Luce

Although this birthday isn't
a happy one for you,
you were born and
here you are.
I hope today you
can find one thing
- one pleasant thing -
that helps you know
your aliveness.
Maybe a bird
will gift you with its song or
a child's laughter
will touch something
deep within you.
Perhaps another human being will see
you.

You were born and
here you are.

Happy Birthday

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