[vanishingacts]

After a lot of thinking and contemplating, I've resigned to the fact that I don't want to see my mother again. And that there is a more complex reason for this than I first realized. At first, I thought that I simply liked my dad better. But that wasn't it, because I actively didn't enjoy my mother's company. In the end, I concluded that it wasn't just that I didn't like her, but more importantly, I didn't need her. If I just didn't like her, I'd still see her if only because although I have everything I need in a parent in my dad, I'd still need someone to take me shopping for my prom dress and those sorts of things. But I don't just dislike her. She has always said to me that she knows we have our problems, but that she wants nothing more than to fix them. And that she loves me. I'd love that to be enough, but deep down I know that, yes, we could improve our relationship, but that the outcome will never be what I need from her. She wants to give me a relationship like they have in the movies; perfect. Where there's nothing that a heart to heart talk can't fix, but in reality, what I need from her is different. And I've decided that why should I put myself through all the pain and heartache that she has given me in the past, for an outcome that will never happen anyway? Pretty easy answer. I shouldn't.

Now I'm happy, sad, angry and nervous all at once, and I'm still trying to figure how that is possible

[northbelle]

I can relate a lot to this post..
Me being the mother that does not live up to the expectations of my kids. They can't accept me for who I am.. I am not what they need..so they have chosen to cut off contact. Short of a personality transplant I can't please them. My depression has taken its toll on my family..and I have many regrets..however it was a relief when I was able to let go of trying to win their acceptance. I don't like who I am either....at least we come together on that common ground..I stopped trying to twist myself into knots too gain their approval. too painful .

[vanishingacts]

Originally Posted by northbelle

I can relate a lot to this post..
Me being the mother that does not live up to the expectations of my kids. They can't accept me for who I am.. I am not what they need..so they have chosen to cut off contact. Short of a personality transplant I can't please them. My depression has taken its toll on my family..and I have many regrets..however it was a relief when I was able to let go of trying to win their acceptance. I don't like who I am either....at least we come together on that common ground..I stopped trying to twist myself into knots too gain their approval. too painful .

That is one thing I am truly sorry about in my case. I cannot imagine how much pain this has brought my mother, and it still hurts me to have to in a way give up on my relationship with her. Sometimes I watch my friends with their parents and those feel good movies and I wonder what if. What if it could be worked out. But then I remember something a friend once told me; no matter how much you love someone, sometimes, its much more painful to hang on to them than it is to simply let go

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by vanishingacts

all the pain and heartache that she has given me in the past...

Only if you wish to do so, would you tell us a bit about your mother and her personality?

[Fuzzybear]

Dear Vanishingacts, Of course it's your decision, only you can look into your heart and properly assess the situation. And it certainly sounds like you need to get away from your mother for a while. But you also spoke of shopping for a prom dress so you must be young. It is a very natural thing when you are young to want to separate from your parents and forge your own identity. I think it's wonderful that your don't need her either. However, I recommend that you don't totally "burn that bridge," (and if you have, she WILL forgive you) because you may find yourself wanting to understand more about her later in your life. Personally, I feel much differently about my parents now (I am in my fifties) than I did in my teens and twenties.
I'm sorry about the pain and heartache; of course it is correct to maintain enough space to have a healthy and happy life; only encouraging you to keep an open mind about the situation. Sincerely, Myst

[Clara22]

Hi,
I feel for you. But, it does not need to be forever. I apologize in advance if I tell you something that is not appropriate but you could tell yourself you will not see her again for now, as this relationship is not doing something good for you or it is harming you. But maybe in the future things change with you, or her, or both. We never know. I think it is important for us not to tell ourselves :"this is forever" because it can put a lot of pressure on us, or it can take a lot of energy from us in order to sustain that. It is just a suggestion, but I can be wrong. I am sending you a hug

[vanishingacts]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Only if you wish to do so, would you tell us a bit about your mother and her personality?

Well since my parents divorced 7 years ago, she's turned out to be very much a victim. By this I mean that no matter what role she played in their divorce (especially because she cheated on him), she absolutely would not accept responsibility for it, except when she said that she wasn't entirely sure about marrying him in the first place. I'm also a lot more like my dad, and she always seems to recoil away everytime it really shows. She favours my brother because of it, because he is much more like her. She's told me multiple times that she wished I was more like him, and not in a nice way. She can be quite manipulative too, we'll fight and then she'll say she gives up and tells me she can't win with me and will stand there looking me in the eye while she cries, after I caught her hacking my emails and reading the dairy I kept a few years ago. As for her motherly instincts, the last time we had a heart to heart she had her friend ask me questions, then get the answers from my mother, then tell them to me

Interesting. Explains why you don't enjoy her company. Sometimes people who blame others are unable to be honest to themselves (can't face the truth). I don't know. She could change someday but of course you can't count on it. It's good that you feel like your father is supportive.

Also, when you say, "we'll fight and then she'll say she gives up and tells me she can't win with me and will stand there looking me in the eye while she cries " that can be her desperation about knowing your feelings toward her. I'm sure there are some people who are permanently hurt by their divorces. Again, maybe someday, when you are older, the dynamics between you and your mother might change. In the meantime, you are at a time in your life where you will be learning to live independently from your parents. I hope it will be a happy time for you.

[JustJace2u]