[Orion XXV]

I'll begin my story with a question: Can depression becoming progressively more impactful through time?

I ask this because I've struggled with depression since at least 14 or 15. I don't exactly remember what caused me to be depressed as a teen, but I think my social anxiety caused me a lot of stress during that time period. It didn't necessarily help that I grew up in a Baptist school and am gay, but for a fact, I felt very isolated in life and didn't feel anyone understood me or cared to understand me.

I had a good circle of friends growing up at this school, and some of which I had known since I was 5 years old. Imagine knowing some of the same people from when you're 5 till 18, and then moving on from each other (The school was K-12 in case anyone wondered). Now, there are two friends named Kyle and Matt that I basically did everything with. Kyle and I were very tight though and we did share a lot of good memories and some rather forgettable ones. Unfortunately, our friendship didn't end on a stellar note, in particularly because of who I am. Also, I did have a slight jealousy problem because we were moving in separate directions.

Well, it's almost 10 years since we stopped talking to each other. Now I have a job, a partner, and things are okay. I know I've had depression for a long time, but I feel kicking through much harder than ever. This depression goes through cycles of which I'm fine and then I'm longing for my childhood and/or wanting to tell off some people that have hurt me. Yes, I did have some verbal abuse at school, and I did have "friends" who tried to talk me out of my sexuality. I remember this like it happened yesterday.

Now, I've been having these dreams about those days for a long time as well. I'll fall asleep and there is Kyle and we're having a good day just like it was as a kid. Sometimes I'll dream of picking up the phone and talking to Matt about whatever stupid thing a 14 year old could talk about. These dreams are vivid recollections of which I could not recall in the present memory. There are also the bad dreams in which every negative thing comes to light and I wake up wanting to cry, same way as I felt during the latter years of that school. It's almost 1am as of this post and I'm depressed... Wish I could hug Kyle and just catch up.

I hope I'm not coming off as being silly, but the more that time progresses, I find myself feeling this way. After I stopped being around him and went to college, I didn't have this overwhelming need to have him around me. But why should I now? Why should I think about someone who I love dearly, but then became a completely and utter jerk? And this all happened mostly between 13-17, so its not like I was dealing with an adult friendship.

[TishaBuv]

Hi Orion,

You're not alone in feeling deeply about your school years. It's also interesting that you at your ten year reunion mark.

I still replay so much about my high school relationships and how I felt about myself. Those few years are so formative.

Dear Orion, There are things about high school that I will never forget and I'm in my fifties. I grew up during a time when gay people were even more isolated. Did not have gay friends/acquaintances in my extremely small high school or in college. Did not think about the concept. I was always sort of isolated an naive growing up. As a military officer, one of the jobs I had was separating people from the service. If you were gay, you automatically got a "general" discharge. At the time, I thought, I can understand separation, it was known that you couldn't be gay in the military but why a general verses honorable discharge? Just what the heck did they do? And if someone had aids, we had to ensure they were discharged within 24 hours. Top priority. So, if I wanted to keep a job that I loved; I had to be a part of something that I knew in my gut was just plain wrong. I'm glad that this is not happening in the military today.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I think being gay among people who don't accept you must be more traumatic than you realize. Even people who are accepting of you in there hearts may have found themselves in a situation where they didn't reach out. Very isolating. It is healthy for you to continue to talk about it and you may not realize just how much it has hurt you. I am currently in therapy and have learned that by burying trauma and disappointment inside it sort of secretly stays in our subconscious and makes us sick (depression, anxiety and/or other things)
So please keep talking what you have gone through. It might help release some of the stuff deep inside you that is probably troubling you more than you realize.
Sincerely, Myst

[Fizzyo]

Hi Orion,

I have gone through times of dreaming about past eras in my life, some of which left me feeling I was an awful person. Sometimes these things come up when you feel more settled and maybe your mind thinks it's time to process some thing.

It's not silly in any way, it is something that is preoccupying part of your mind. If it's haunting you, is there someone you can talk to and if not, is it worth investing in a short course of counselling (maybe 6to 12 sessions) to address this particular issue? I like to work with someone who will help me structure the sessions and won't get carried away keeping going for ever. I also find it best as an adult (in my 40s) who has gone over a lot of my life to focus on the issue troubling me and maybe some CBT skills as well to help me challenge those underlying unhelpful thoughts following the dream.

It is not guaranteed that depression gets worse throughout life, in my case I have had better years and worse years.
Research has shown that on average people in middle age are happier than people in their 20s and 30s (I can't remember reference). I know an individual isn't "average, but it does show that mental health doesn't always get worse over time.

These are thoughts, not answers, all I can do is send hugs and wish you luck as you look for a way forward.