I'm a Creep. I'm a weirdo.

This is my journal entry for today (September 16, 2016). Feedback appreciated.

So yesterday I found out that my friend got engaged. I should have been excited but all I can think about now is that she is going to want me to be a bridesmaid. This makes me extremely anxious I don't want to dress up and stand in front of everyone to be stared at. I keep thinking how I can let her down that I can't be a bridesmaid. The anxiety of the whole situation is daunting

I feel like I am never going to lose this weight. I am 19 pounds down and I feel more stuck than ever. My health is SO important to me but I can't think straight. Sorry I trailed My self-esteem is still earth-shattering low. It shows on my mood tracker. And I still have my glorious fat flap and probably will for approximately 30 more pounds of weight loss.

I also HATE that I have to take medicine. They permanently alter my body (triglycerides is an example). I have no control over what goes in my body medicine wise

I am getting a tattoo on the 28th of this month which is 1 week and 5 days away. It will be a phoenix which has a profound meaning behind it. But have I really risen from the ashes? Doubt it I'm still swimming in the ashes. I'm drowning and I feel like I am the only one that can see that

There is something not right about my mood. I can't put a nail on it. I'm not depressed. I'm not happy. I'm not even sure I can say I am okay. I feel lost. Confused.

I am a burden to my family. That's apparent with dad's job loss and how difficult insurance is for myself. I hate that I won't be able to live my life without an immense expense of doctors, therapists, and medicine. I’m a burden. End of story.

I struggle to keep the act up that everything is fine… my head isn’t splintering into a thousand pieces leaving my being with nothing else. My depression scores may be at an all time low because of Remeron but my give a **** meter about myself is pretty low I want to be able to open up and tell everyone how I am feeling, especially my boyfriend but I can’t formulate thoughts into words that are spoken. I’m stuck.

I get lost in music's’ lyrics. That is where I live. I wish people would listen to the songs and words I listen to and just get it.

“But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here. I wanna have control. I wanna have a perfect body. I wanna have a perfect soul. I want you to notice [my mind]. I wish I was special. But I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.”

I want to get over my past. I’m so logged down with stupid **** that happened in middle school (I am 26 now). Not becoming a lieutenant on drill team. I still look at the girls in my grade that beat me out and hate them for it. It meant so much to me and they got it. That might be the only thing actually. But it’s major to me.

And, I can’t believe I am saying this but when I masturbate I look at people that are prettier and I compare myself to them I’m sick. Something is seriously wrong with me

Depression and anxiety play havoc with "normal" emotions.
Me too. Multiple times daily something out of my past, even from my early years, jumps up in my brain and I react in some way. Sometimes that reaction is a spontaneous, loud scream. It can be embarrassing and unsettling for those around me - if I'm around others (which isn't often any more).

Please keep journaling.

Anxiety I see in myself right now but I don't see myself as depressed. Maybe I am?

I'll try. I am working on it.

Hi
What happens if you refuse to be the bridesmaid?

Heck I don't know. But I feel like she would hate me or maybe I would regret it. I have been in weddings before and I hated it. Every second of it.

I think you are entitled to refuse the invitation to be the bridesmaid, and you are entitled to keep the reason to yourself. Even if we are at our lowest regarding depression, we can empower ourselves. We are many things we don't like but we should always remember we are the owners of ourselves. Sorry my Grammar is awful but I think you understand me.
I am not an American and I don't live in your country now. I spent a lot of time (years) in your country and could appreciate lots of good things from your culture. But I think society puts a lot of pressure on people and I don't like that. It makes people too unhappy. But on the other hand, in your country I learned about the value of self-affirmation and self-determination. Humbly, i think these two things are important for us, people with depression. So many things of our depression (ideas, feelings) are related to other people's expectations, or about "what society expects from us" given our gender, age, social class, etc.
Also, I think we don't have such a freedom the culture says we have. We are tied to too many conditions and conditioning. We don't have a lot of space to mannouver. We are not really making all the choices we think we are making. But we can make some, starting by asking ourselves what we really want. I am not telling we should just impose our preferences always or disregard other people's needs, or forget about reciprocity, or not to love our neighbors.
But I think that there are many social functions and activities that we are entitled to refuse if we think they are an extra burden given our depression. In my experience, we need to be careful and not to isolate ourselves at the end of the day. But, again, sometimes forcing ourselves to do social stuff does not pay off, either to ourselves or to the other people we feel we need to please.
I am sorry if I am saying something inadequate
I wish you all the best with this

You don't sound like a weirdo at all. That's because American (and Korea, Japan, Brazil, etc.) society judges a woman's worth by her looks. It is not this way with close friend's and family but if you go to a party, wedding or job interview, many are sure to make a judgement based on how you look. It puts terrible pressure on women and lately I think that even men are starting to feel pressure in this regard.
I know it's easier said than done but it is important to get to a place where you are exercising and losing weight for your health and well being, not to conform to unrealistic and unhealthy standards.
None of us have a perfect soul! But good people try to overcome their weaknesses in regards to patience and kindness. You really sound like a very kind and sensitive person. The fact that you don't want to burden your family and don't want to disappoint your friend shows that you care about others feelings/needs. That is a very good thing about you that does not need to be fixed!
I hope you feel a little better today than you did two days ago. Please keep posting.