[AHeartOfRuby]

My high school has been affecting me so negatively and to be honest it's not their fault. What happens at home leaks into my school day which affects my emotional strength. Today in school I was a debby downer lost in thoughts of nothing because my step dad once again toyed with my weak emotional strings over and over and over. Tomorrow I have an appointment that may lead to surgery and I'm only a sophomore! I haven't had a surgery in four years and I feel so alone.. Because I'm missing school I have so much homework and after tomorrow I may not have the motivation to do it. I tried to set up a meeting with my counselor in school but it hasn't been working out my schedule is so busy. I can't eat I can't sleep I can't think and my moms not letting me drink coffee anymore. I fell today in Chem class and was just so embarrassed I'm tired of having to be embarrassed because I'm stuck like this! Crying until I fall asleep because I am ashamed. I heard this girl whom I knew who is mentally challenged say she was killing herself I sat there almost crying as her aid tried to coax her out I heard her screams of protest and I told her "I care about you". This world is so cruel and judgemental and pressuring, I have bruises so I'm a freak but it's not my fault it was all gravity. The stares the jokes the labels it's all just a game. Because unlike half the world I care I don't want her to die I don't want to be surrounded by so much negativity when I come home or have friends but we hardly talk about anything anymore that isn't negative. I will always be the third wheel the one who wasn't invited the one who walks in front or behind never beside. I will never feel good enough. And I want to stop caring.

So how was your day?

That really does sound bad!
I hope your doctor appointment doesn't turn out as bad as you fear--please let us know how it goes.
Some of the kids in high school really can be mean! And it seems like kids are under more academic pressure today than in the days I attended. It really shouldn't have to be so dreadful!
It was truly sweet of you to comfort the other girl.
No wonder you need to keep drinking coffee, it all sounds so exhausting! I hope you have some easier days this week.

[Fizzyo]

[AHeartOfRuby]

I'm having surgery guys ��

That sounds terrible!
The only positive thing I can say about it is "Will it take you out of that dreadful school for a while?"
My children graduated high school a few years ago but during their middle school years, I actually ended up homeschooling one for a while because the school was so unacceptable. Eventually, he applied and was accepted in another school in the district. Some schools have environments that foster hate!

[AHeartOfRuby]

I'm in an advanced class I'm going to fall behind D: rehab will be miserable.. I don't get the choice of homeschool or changing districts it's not just school that creates emotional depression in me it's everything else..

A poem stanza that really helped me to think better about my own surgery was this one:

But who shall so forecast the years
And find in loss a gain to match?
Or reach a hand thro' time to catch
The far-off interest of tears

Thinking about you.