[Aardwolf]

I've been away from PC for a while. Some will know me as someone who is either incredibly helpful, or a ghost. There is no in-between it seems with me. I need help, I need to reach out.

I've grown in mind and body since my last "crash" of emotions last year, i've grown in becoming aware of myself. I've recognised the need for change, and I embrace it when it comes if I can't influence it. I have embraced a new way of life, and have been all the happier for it.

A short time line of stupidity so far...

- End of August: My partner of 6 years comes home and admits she was cheating on me with another man
- We talk - Lots. I am open to her, and we speak about reasons, including but not just communication

- She goes back to her parents for space and time a few days later - I get that. It makes sense ! We both need time and space to discover ourselves, and decide what direction to move in.

-The first week I turned to trusted friends and colleagues at work who have been INCREDIBLE in their support for me. I even managed to keep off the unofficial "suicide list". They were offering advice and support at any time of day or night, and making sure I wasn't feeling alone.

-Second week I genuinely felt better, and started eating. Started drinking as well. Overall I felt fine though.

-This week I've hit the wall. I have no idea how much space and time she needs. I FORGIVE HER. She knows this - I am aware I am opening myself up to a world of hurt, however without going into too much detail, we know the causes, we know what made this happen. It's like we were previously building a computer without instructions, but now we have them.
She has serious anxiety, from my understanding she is terrified of hurting me again. I understand that, and I am not making an issue out of it.

I'm in Limbo at the moment. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me with this. I feel empty. I feel hollow. I feel like my hope is running out. My meditation still comes with ease, but I'm finding more, and more troubled thoughts taking longer and longer to go away.

When I meditate, I am free. I am free from this. I cannot meditate all day every day. I have work, I have commuting, I have relaxing time. I have a life to lead.

I feel like I'm loosing my grasp on reality again. That in itself terrifies me. My others are all disagreeing with me and each other again. It feels like an overwhelming darkness has started to cloud my vision with every waking minute. Life has been stripped of its colour. I am unable to stay grounded. My urge to Self harm has returned with a vengeance, and has made itself quite clear with its want to tear my throat clean out such is the veracity of its intentions.

I have no desire to speak to my friends or colleagues, I have no desire to eat again, I even have no desire to drink alcohol - which is a first.

I have prided myself on being able to remain stable and calm through horrific emotional trauma, but i genuinely feel like the rudder has snapped this time and I'm approaching a soul crushing abyss.

I feel like my direction is gone. No map, no compass, no lights, no stars. Nothing at all.

Be safe

I'm somewhat new here but I looked at some of your old posts. You've overcome a lot. Relapses happen but it will get better with time though today is tough to endure. In the meantime, I hope you can hang in there! Sincerely, Myst

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry to hear that you're having a rough time. I think while you're apart from your SO that you need to focus on your own well being without her. Whether she comes back or not, at least you can become a stronger person. Maybe finding a therapist would help?

[Aardwolf]

Thank you for your replies !

I'm not doing much better, but i'm looking at things more clearly within myself. I have to get better, and I need to accept that setbacks happen. I can't just get angry and upset with myself, as that will not help at all.

I will get better, or I will get better at coping. Nothing less.