[RJ42]

Why is it that people trying their best to be kind suffer the most, are alone the most, and looked at and treated as though we are strange or fake? I have asked myself this question for years. Is it because we ARE abnormal being in a world of hate, selfishness, and pain?

Is it because we make the cruel and selfish people uncomfortable? Do we scare those cruel and selfish? I have always tried to be kind and selfless. I am not jaded into thinking I am perfect. Nothing in this world is perfect. I do not understand what I've done wrong to be alone and cold in the dark.

So many people have told me not to be so negative, to try and be positive. How can a person be positive when so little good has happened, everything they worked for is gone, never feeling warmth from the only thing that person values more than anything....to be l--ed and accepted?

I feel very saddened to know there are maybe others that have grown numb and confused, because they, like me, will never know that warmth. L--e is slowly dying. I don't think I am exaggerating. Look how little it takes for people to hate each other, and it's sadly getting worse. I am so tired, tired from the very center of me, outward. I never quit, but, I can feel myself losing more of my will to exist. Being in constant physical pain, with no relief, doesn't help. Every part of me hurts, but my empty heart hurts most of all. I long for my pain to be naturally done, but I question every day....how much longer do I have to endure?

You are kind and caring; it shows in your posts and in your messages. There are other people out there like you--many are just as isolated as you are. I am sorry about your physical disability, pain, and numbness--these are the things that I worry most about concerning all your challenges. I experienced it for a while last year and it was draining. Even excruciating at the end of the day when tired. I always found that sleep was the only true escape and the pain was not as bad when I was rested. I hope you get some good sleep tonight. Sleep always worked better than the pain meds for me.
As far as you empty heart goes--I consider you a friend and am thinking of you tonight. I think your heart can heal but it may take a long time.

[RJ42]

Thank you Myst. I've been trying to heal inside for a long time. I wish I could sleep. My PTSD doesn't make sleep easy. Sometimes it makes sleep impossible. My pain is so bad sometimes, it wakes me when I move just a little. I'm a fighter, but I am weary from fighting. I do my best to cope.

[MickeyCheeky]

You're an amazing person and you're very strong. I admire you for that

[RJ42]

Thanks Mickey. You sound like a good person as well. I'm just a very tired old man that has stretched himself too thin.

[MickeyCheeky]

"Old" people are very wise.. I'm sure you are, too And 42 is not that old to me, if that can help..

[RJ42]

I appreciate it Mickey. I'm 42 in age, but, after combat and all I've endured, I feel much older.

[MtnTime2896]

"Those who self-sacrifice always will." It's something my uncle Richard told me. He was a retired SEAL (but we all know that 'retired' is just a title). He said that to me when we were talking about different things. He said that it was just certain people's nature, him included. He lived alone, never saw or heard from his kids or any other family and he wasn't my uncle by blood, but he was my uncle. He still is. He said I was a lot like him in that way, and I see the same in you.

My thoughts are with you. If you ever need to get some stuff off your chest, you can always PM me. Take care, RJ42.

[RJ42]

Thanks So Leighas. It's good that you see him as your uncle. It is nice when you have someone like that.